My Ugly Truth
Wednesday, March 05, 2014
First I need to apologize to those out there who I've befriended and who have befriended me on SP. My absence I'm hoping did not affect anyone, I have thought about you all and you seem to be sticking with your programs and doing well. It makes me happy to see after such a long absence people are looking so healthy and really kicking ass!
So I've lost some weight since I have been here last. I'm total down about 45 pounds from the heaviest I remember being. Id like to lose another 45.
Id say the first 25 or so were done the right way, the rest I admit I have not lost in the same manner.
I'm in the process of getting a divorce. I left my husband and two dogs November 1st 2013. I was in an abusive relationship, physically, mentally and emotionally. And while I don't blame that for my weight gain over the years I'm sure it had a little bit of impact on my weight, my inability to lose weight, and my self esteem. To be told you are fat and ugly and that "you will never leave because no one else will want you", by someone can really do a number on you. I was never that confident to begin with and when I got on the scale the numbers proved just how horrible I looked and how much I had let myself go. So I continued to turn to food, as if that made any sense. But in the hell of my life it was the one constant, the one thing that would always be there when I was feeling down, lonely, depressed and like a horrible person. Food never told me I was fat. Food never laid its hands on me. Food never left me home alone on nights to go out binge drinking. So that was my comfort in my less than comfortable life.
In this whole divorce process I thought I could be strong. There are some days where I want to scream "hear me roar" then there are others like yesterday and today where I cannot stop crying. Its a horrible roller coaster of emotions. Luckily I have not turned to food during this time..in fact I've shyed away from it.
I have not been good to my body, or healthy when it comes to food. I am still tap dancing twice a week sometimes more. I burn close to 600 calories per hour session if not more, depending on the class level. I started running back in January and loved it, but the winter here has been horrible so I've put that off till spring. I don't sleep at night, or there are times where I sleep all day long. Ive recently begun having nightmares as he is getting served his papers this week, this causes great anxiety for me. (As far as I've been told I cannot get a PFA because he has not harmed me in the past 72 hours).
I have not been eating though. I'm lucky if I eat two meals a day. Im telling myself "Ill eat when I'm hungry" but I'm never hungry. To eat a cup of greek yogurt for breakfast really takes all of my energy and I have to force it down. I can eat a half of cup and be full. I survive on coffee and I'm not going to lie that at nights Ill drink instead of eat dinner. I know this is not good for me. For lunch everyday I try to eat spinach to get some vitamins and chicken for protein. I hardly ever eat dinner, if I do it's soup. Some days I'm really hungry and I will eat, but most of the time I'm not. And while I know its not ok and not healthy I continue to do this. Part of it is just my body saying I don't want food, but a small part of me is doing it because of people saying how great I'm starting to look. How horrible and sick is that?? :(
So this is my ugly truth. I want no celebrations of my weight loss because it was not done the right way. Its been done the unhealthy way. And while I cheer that my pants fall off and I had to go buy new ones, is it really worth cheering for that at all?
So congrats to my friends and other sparkers who have been doing it the right and healthy way. I congratulate you for being so awesome! Maybe one day I can get to a point in my life where I take care of me the right way.