still healing from my childhood
Thursday, May 01, 2014
I was working with a friend today and this came up since today is my official retirement day. Not sure where to start. I told her that I was feeling down and a bit nervous now that it is really here.
I am planning on writing my book (s) about my childhood and was talking about my goals to get it done when it came up that I was still afraid that people would not believe me. My mama always told me that nobody would believe me, people would think I was crazy and they would lock me up. So we were tapping and working on this issue as well as forgiving myself. I was also remembering my mom's words that if I didn't make her any money (she sold me for sex) that I was useless and worthless.
I was tapping on this as well as feeling stupid and not good enough. She asked me to forgive myself for feeling like I somehow still owed the cult something. As we tapped and worked on this, I started bawling and realized that I felt that I should be grateful that they even let me live. That I owed them because they didn't kill me all the times they had the chance.
This really shocked me, I have done so much work on myself and healing that how in the world could I feel like I owed my life to them still. That I was still connected to them, still ....... OMG.. this is a huge revelation. that Part of me still feels like I owe them. When IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THEM... BUT ONLY TO GOD AND MY ANGELS THAT I SURVIVED. All the times they truly tried to kill me by every means they could possibly come up with. It is God that I should be feeling grateful for not those people who killed me over and over only to bring me back showing me that they had the power over my life. So how the heck should I feel grateful to them?
Still more of the onion peeling off and I am so thankful and blest to have good people in my life to help me see the truth. I am so lucky, so VERY blest.
To realize that I/myself was keeping ME corded/attached to the cult who almost all of them are dead now. That is the last thing I would want.
Gosh, I am so thankful and full of love to finally let this go. No wonder why I was so afraid to write my book, because I didn't want them to be mad at me or me to disobey their rules of talking.
I just wanted to share how beautiful and wonderful this path is, how much we are guided and loved if we just open up to it, let us see/feel it.
Sending you all love out to you as well, thank you for reading this difficult blog, I hope you feel the goodness and love too.