5 years of sparking
Monday, May 19, 2014
i passed my 5 year sparkversary last monday. i meant to do this blog earlier, but things got busy and i was out of town and the whole family is sick. i am here now!
i remember the day i joined sp. i was reading the reviews for yet another diet book on amazon. i just wanted to lose the weight, but i didn't know how. one of the reviews mentioned sp so i checked it out. i loved it! and i couldn't believe it was free!
i don't know how many times i have restarted the program in the past 5 years. probably at least 15. every new year, every spring, every time i hurt myself and had to quit the previous attempt and lost my motivation. every time i lost my motivation.
i spent years searching for my motivation. i knew why i wanted to lose the weight. i had a laundry list of reasons. the typical reasons: confidence, health, family, etc. but it never clicked. i could never use those reasons to get the weight to come off, to stay on plan for more than a week or a month at a time.
i got pregnant and really wanted to lose the weight so i would be a good example for my daughter. after she was born i once again restarted. i was at my highest weight ever and just hated who i had become. i pretty much dropped 20 lbs of pregnancy weight over night. the rest slowly came off due to healthy food choices and breast feeding. once i quit breast feeding some of the weight came back. ugh. i guess i underestimated how many extra calories that really does burn!
i once again started chasing the same 5 pounds around. i was miserable. i wasn't setting the example for my daughter that i wanted to. i was beating myself up because i couldn't lose the weight and i was miserable! i knew everything there was to know about losing weight. i knew the numbers, the good foods, everything, but nothing was happening. i started looking beyond the obvious. my favorite part of the biggest loser is when the contestants break down in the gym and the trainers finally figure out why they are at the ranch. it's so motivating, but nothing like that had ever happened to me. i was never molested, lost a close family member, i wasn't an overweight kid so i wasn't teased, i had a happy family life and childhood. but it got me thinking. i started trying to figure out why i was overweight. it wasn't the junk food and the alcohol. that was too obvious. i needed to figure out why i turned to junk food and alcohol. i needed to know why i put the weight on in the first place.
a few months of self-discovery really changed the game for me. i struggled with a lot of honesty and delved into parts of my life i had left in the past for a reason. only they weren't that far into the past as they were causing me to subconsciously gain weight. i had an issue! and had a reason! i was emotionally eating rather than dealing with the issues and getting to the core of my problems. i hadn't moved on, i had gotten drunk and forgotten the issue. i had made myself feel useless and disgusting, so i ate a whole pizza.
i spent 10 years trying to forget the hurt, the betrayal, the disaster i had caused. i had buried the pain and moved on. only i hadn't. i had used food and alcohol to make myself feel better and to forget. i has subconsciously decided if i was fat than no one could love me and i couldn't hurt anyone or myself again. i was wrong. i did get fat, people have loved me, people have burt me. it wasn't the answer. that's life. stuff happens. people hurt, betray, lie, but they also love and forgive. yet, i made myself miserable. for so long! realizing why i had done this to myself was a huge eye-opener. i still can't believe how obvious it was. i'm slowly trying to change my way of thinking. the way i see myself. it's a slow journey. but i'm worth it. i'm not this awful person that i tried to believe i was. and it's working!
since this discovery and my realization that i needed to find the core problem i have lost 20 lbs. it hasn't been easy. but i'm learning not to fall back on junk food and not get drunk every other night. i involved dh. i told him i wanted to lose the weight, he's always been supportive and let me do what i wanted, but this time i asked him how much weight he wanted to lose as well. now we are both on plan and losing the weight together. it's a lot easier when there isn't bags of chips calling your name all the time.
i know it's been a long, slow journey. there's a wear path in the carpet and a hole in the wall where i have been going in circles and banging my head on the wall trying to figure it all out. but i suppose in the end it will all be worth it. this is a journey of self discovery as well as a journey to health. we have to confront our demons to move on in life. i just hope i have figured it all out and can move forward and learn to be honest with myself. one day i hope i am able to forgive myself. that's something i'll need to tackle in the near future. right now i'm just trying to like myself and feel i'm worthy.
i never thought it would take 5 years to lose this weight. i found sp and thought i had found the answer to all my problems. how silly for anyone to think something like that! i really hope by 6 years i can be a success story and use my knowledge and hard work to motivate others as so many here have motivated me.