an eye-opening week
Friday, May 23, 2014
i weigh in tomorrow morning. i know there will be a gain. but i'm ok with that. well, as ok as a person can be. i'm ok with it because it is a learning experience. i got a little out of control the last couple weeks. it all started with mother's day. my intake was out of control. dh was planning a great day for me and i didn't want to make him feel bad, so i didn't track. i just ate what he made. i didn't over eat or anything, but i certainly wasn't on plan. even worse, the day before we celebrated with my family so there was a bbq and other non-diet friendly options to be had. so that was a rough weekend. oh, and dh made a cake. he's never baked anything before, i certainly couldn't tell him not to. it had strawberries on it though.
then i had to go to california for work. it was a quick trip, but i had very limited options for food. tuesday lunch was in the airport. i was there with a group of men (i work at a car dealership, women are few and far between) and our evening consisted of happy hour and in-n-out burger. the hotel had a complimentary breakfast so that was a bit safer. lunch was catered in from panera eatery so it was sandwiches and salads. then dinner was a very late airport meal.
needless to say, by thursday morning i had already done more damage than i could recover from. oh, i did get a good workout in wednesday morning in the hotel's fitness facility. with all that damage, i gained 2 lbs last week. not a surprise, but still sad to see.
this week hasn't been much better. i had high hopes for it. but it all went downhill from the get go. a birthday dinner at a buffet, whiskey, pizza and then more pizza.
in the midst of all that i had an eye-opening epiphany that just may finally solve all my problems.
10 years ago i made a very bad decision. the repercussions were huge. life eventually went on and things got better and the past was in the past. until i realized tuesday that i never forgave myself for this decision. i have been carrying this black ball of rage, hurt, regret, anger, frustration and remorse around inside me for 10 years! i wasn't entirely aware of it. i just learned to live with it. but this isn't living. i'm unhappy, i don't care about myself, i built this wall around me so i wouldn't mess up and hurt anyone or myself again. i learned to hate myself so deeply that i made myself fat and unhealthy so i wouldn't have the opportunity to let others in. i let this poison fester and destroy me. i have become an emotional eater and i'm on the brink of being an alcoholic just because i never forgave myself.
as soon as this all clicked in my head i started doing research on forgiving yourself. it all made sense and i fit the bill perfectly. so many of my issues are tied to this self-hatred. i knew i had to change immediately. i read through the various articles on steps to forgive yourself and put them into action. i now have a new mantra: i forgive me. i talked to dh and i feel a whole heck of a lot better. obviously i won't be cured overnight, but i feel i've already made some progress just in the past couple days.
now i have to fix my poor eating habits. memorial day weekend won't help, but i'm going to try to be more aware of what i eat. i'm going to track every. single. bite. i'm going to continue my long running goal of abstaining from alcohol. that won't be easy. and i'm going to change up my workout. i know that's a big part of my problem. i need to get a higher intensity workout on a regular basis. with this in mind i joined the sp spring into fitness challenge. i'm hoping it will succeed at it.
may has gone by in a blur. i'm hoping to spark into june on a much better level than i'm at now.