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an eye-opening week

Friday, May 23, 2014

i weigh in tomorrow morning. i know there will be a gain. but i'm ok with that. well, as ok as a person can be. i'm ok with it because it is a learning experience. i got a little out of control the last couple weeks. it all started with mother's day. my intake was out of control. dh was planning a great day for me and i didn't want to make him feel bad, so i didn't track. i just ate what he made. i didn't over eat or anything, but i certainly wasn't on plan. even worse, the day before we celebrated with my family so there was a bbq and other non-diet friendly options to be had. so that was a rough weekend. oh, and dh made a cake. he's never baked anything before, i certainly couldn't tell him not to. it had strawberries on it though.

then i had to go to california for work. it was a quick trip, but i had very limited options for food. tuesday lunch was in the airport. i was there with a group of men (i work at a car dealership, women are few and far between) and our evening consisted of happy hour and in-n-out burger. the hotel had a complimentary breakfast so that was a bit safer. lunch was catered in from panera eatery so it was sandwiches and salads. then dinner was a very late airport meal.

needless to say, by thursday morning i had already done more damage than i could recover from. oh, i did get a good workout in wednesday morning in the hotel's fitness facility. with all that damage, i gained 2 lbs last week. not a surprise, but still sad to see.

this week hasn't been much better. i had high hopes for it. but it all went downhill from the get go. a birthday dinner at a buffet, whiskey, pizza and then more pizza.

in the midst of all that i had an eye-opening epiphany that just may finally solve all my problems.

10 years ago i made a very bad decision. the repercussions were huge. life eventually went on and things got better and the past was in the past. until i realized tuesday that i never forgave myself for this decision. i have been carrying this black ball of rage, hurt, regret, anger, frustration and remorse around inside me for 10 years! i wasn't entirely aware of it. i just learned to live with it. but this isn't living. i'm unhappy, i don't care about myself, i built this wall around me so i wouldn't mess up and hurt anyone or myself again. i learned to hate myself so deeply that i made myself fat and unhealthy so i wouldn't have the opportunity to let others in. i let this poison fester and destroy me. i have become an emotional eater and i'm on the brink of being an alcoholic just because i never forgave myself.

as soon as this all clicked in my head i started doing research on forgiving yourself. it all made sense and i fit the bill perfectly. so many of my issues are tied to this self-hatred. i knew i had to change immediately. i read through the various articles on steps to forgive yourself and put them into action. i now have a new mantra: i forgive me. i talked to dh and i feel a whole heck of a lot better. obviously i won't be cured overnight, but i feel i've already made some progress just in the past couple days.

now i have to fix my poor eating habits. memorial day weekend won't help, but i'm going to try to be more aware of what i eat. i'm going to track every. single. bite. i'm going to continue my long running goal of abstaining from alcohol. that won't be easy. and i'm going to change up my workout. i know that's a big part of my problem. i need to get a higher intensity workout on a regular basis. with this in mind i joined the sp spring into fitness challenge. i'm hoping it will succeed at it.

may has gone by in a blur. i'm hoping to spark into june on a much better level than i'm at now.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • TEXASTITCHER
    One step and one day at a time is the way to succees
    2541 days ago
  • LADYCALICO
    It matters less that we have fallen off the wagon nearly as much as it matters that we have gotten back on.
    " Never give up" Winston Churchill.
    "When it comes to dreams, one may falter, but the only way to fail is to abandon them." Dracula
    emoticon
    2541 days ago
  • NELLJONES
    We have all made bad decisions in the past, and the older you get, the more of them there are. Some are irreparable (I wish I hadn't driven drunk-I'm in jail; or I wish I hadn't jumped off the end of that pier-I'm in a wheelchair for life), some aren't (I shouldn't have married that man: I shouldn't have dropped out of school). Forgiving yourself is how you move forward incorporating your past into who you are now, rather than dragging it around like a ball and chain.
    2541 days ago
  • MNABOY
    We all make mistakes and while we are forgiven, we do live the repercussions. However, being forgiven we just meet the challenge and work for the best. You have reached that point and will be happier and healthier for this resolution. Keep kicking.
    2542 days ago
  • 2BDYNAMIC
    We have all done things in our past ......... that we wish we had done differently .......... But time marches on and we need to let it ALL go and march on ......... YOu can do it ....... Never think food or drink will fix anything .......... Too much only compounds the problems ............ emoticon
    2542 days ago
  • BIGPAWSUP
    You can do this. I know you can.
    2542 days ago
  • ROCKPORT9
    You have a lot on your heart. Make those good decisions for you. You deserve it! Hugs, Laurel emoticon
    2542 days ago
  • LIZSPRINGSTEEN
    YOU CAN DO THIS!!!
    2542 days ago
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