Lost in the Balance Game
Friday, August 08, 2014
Weight loss and health is a balance game. Sadly it’s a game that I have been struggling with. However, if you were to just look at me, you would likely have no clue just how much I have been struggling.
We all have stories behind what was the trigger or cause of our initial weight gain. My trigger was the death of my father three weeks after the death of my grandmother. I wanted to be strong and not be seen as an “emotional child” like my siblings so I internalized everything. Fast forward six weeks after his death and two broken arms, and the downward spiral began.
I never really took initiative to try and get this problem under control until well into adulthood. It wasn’t until I decided to become my own person instead of a people pleaser that I was able to start to change. This journey has been, and still is, hard. As many changes as I have made in my life the one change I haven’t mastered is how not to let things and people hurt me. Most people have no clue how much I internalize because I have mastered keeping a straight face.
Lately, things have been so stressful that finding any sort of balance has become increasingly difficult. I continue with my workouts every day because they are the one thing that helps keep me grounded, but I’ve noticed that the desire to just give up has been creeping back in.
I wish I could say there is just one thing that has caused this change but I can’t. So much turmoil has been plaguing my life lately that I just can’t seem to find anywhere to turn or anyone to turn to and the desire to turn to food is extremely tempting. I know that it is a balance thing to figure out, but I must admit that there are times that I wish I could just turn my heart off and be the heartless person that people believe.
The thing is that I’m still making progress, but there is a fear growing in me of where this is leading. Will the progress stop? Am I at risk for developing some sort of disorder with how I’m handling the stress? I’m sure that people will and do judge me for things, but I have to find a way to not let that judgment get to me. I have to find a way to keep moving forward and find some sort of balance.
I had that balance for a while and now is the time to find it again. I’m putting this out there and hopefully, if nothing else, others who may be fighting the same issues I am will realize that they aren’t alone because that is exactly how I’m feeling right now, completely and utterly alone and like I’m drowning.
Even feeling this way I know that I can’t give up. It’s all about baby steps. I will continue with my workouts and take the rest day by day. I may be lost in the balance game right now, but I'm not giving up. I will meet my goals and hopefully find myself in the process as I work through finding a balance.