Wednesday, November 12, 2014
I have not written a blog in ages...almost 5 months, to be exact. I've sat down in front of my computer so many times, and just couldn't bring myself to write anything. I think there are a few reasons why but the one that sticks out the most is my weight gain.
When you lose a significant amount of weight, it is always done with the intention you'll never go back to your old habits or your old weight. I was so sure of my lifestyle and new habits, I donated all my clothes that were over a size 12. But what do you do when a medical condition is mostly to blame for your weight gain? Does it hurt any less? Are you more forgiving of yourself? Short answer...not always.
My closet is full of jeans I can't breathe in when I put them on. Or ones I can't get on at all. I was left feeling really down. My thyroid got the best of me. My TSH numbers have been all over the place this past year. Here I am, training for my first half marathon, and I couldn't run 2 miles. And I keep thinking, "if I could just lose the 20 pounds I've gained, I could run so much faster". It has taken me months to accept the fact that these pounds, no matter what I do, will not come off. And I cannot run as fast as I used to. I used to run a 10.5 minute mile. That was my peak and I will not see that again any time soon. I am no longer a size 10/12. I am now a 14. That was one of the hardest things I've had to do, was buy bigger jeans. Just as hard was weighing in on Monday and actually updating my ticker. No more lying to myself, and everyone else out there. I am 5 pounds away from leaving Onderland, and I will fight like hell to never return.
What I've learned from accepting the negatives, is that the positives become so much more sweeter. I can't run a mile in 10 1/2minutes. It takes me 12. But every week, I'm running further. So what if I can't finish my first half marathon in 2 hours? I'M GOING TO FINISH A HALF MARATHON, PEOPLE!! That's 13.1 miles! And I could never have imagined that when I was 275 pounds!
My doctor asked me if my pulse was always this slow. My resting heart rate is like, 53 beats per minute! That is amazing. When I was morbidly obese, my resting heart rate was over 90. That's scary.
And I'm not a size 10. But I'm not a size 24 either!
So I'm going to thank God for the body He gave me, and accept the fact it's not perfect on the outside, but it's close to perfect on the inside. And it's allowing me to do things I never thought was possible.