The Evil of the holiday season......
Saturday, November 29, 2014
Thanksgiving Day....I was thankful that my family is happy and healthy. Blessed that my daughter made it home safely for a few days, that I have a job and a roof over my head. Those are just a few of the things that come to mind if I had to answer the question on a spur of the moment.
The things that make me say "Bah Humbug" and "Shut up or I will stuff you inside that 13# turkey"? The stress of having my SOB watch each and every morsel that I eat or that my daughter eats. One minute he is saying that he just wants people to take care of themselves and be healthy, the next minute it's commenting on the food on my plate. Childishly making fat faces at me when no one is looking. Excuses me.. you are 57 years old....GROW UP!!! Yes, I am obese. I do not like the way I look at all. I think I am ugly and feel I will always be alone in my life. There are days my depression really gets to me and I have bad thoughts go through my mind. I plan on seeking counseling for this very soon.
I am now getting close to the point of no return if I have not gotten there already. So far my blood pressure and cholesterol are still good. I am concerned about diabetes since I am out of control. I am afraid if I lose the weight, I will have excess skin to deal with and that will be another issue to deal with. I guess it would be somewhat of a good issue, it would mean I have lost a significant amount to weight. I had been doing very well exercising very regularly, but now the holidays are giving me excuses not to. My fitness center membership runs out tomorrow. Decision whether to renew or not, I will decide Monday.
Separation or divorce is still looming in the shadows. I am unhappy, miserable is a better word, with him. There is absolutely no affection between us, not even a hug....ever. I cannot go on for the rest of my life like this. I truly believe it is why I have a depression problem. I have no one to show me love. It started because I was unfaithful to him, over 15 years ago. The affair is long over, but he cannot get past it. I was thin when I was cheating on him. I acted differently when I was cheating on him. Maybe it is because I was in a happier place then. I was with a guy and there was no baggage. I always told Mr. Rightnow that I would never regret the affair, but I do. I did for the price it cost me with my daughter and maybe even with the SOB. SOB only 'fought' for me when I was thinner. Now he doesn't care if I am around except to be his sounding board for his bad day. Another affair is out of the question. I can't and won't go through that again. I don't want to be a room-mate in a spare bedroom in my own house!
My daughter is older now, and she has seen what this has done to all of us. I want to talk to her about the possibility of a divorce. I know that is the last thing a child wants or that a parent wants to have happen. I would rather have her be happy with parents that are living apart than ones that are miserable and bickering when they are together. There is a lot of research to be done before I get the ball rolling. I can't just jump into it blindly.
Part of me is terrified to be alone. I have never been 'alone,' there has always been a boyfriend or husband for the last 33 years. Friends tell me I will be fine and I will adjust. I am glad they have confidence in me, I don't have a lot. "Don't rush into anything." No problem. That is when a lot of my mistakes have been made. Too bad it took me so long to figure that out.
Food is another evil. It seems to be on my mind constantly. I wish I had something or someone that would help me to stay on the straight and narrow. SOB only wants to give me negative motivators. I don't understand how someone that has known and claimed to love you for 30 years can be so hateful towards another person. I have been working on my portion control, some days are better than others, of course. Some days I will eat only one meal because I am tired and sleep late in the mornings. "Is that good for you??" I don't know, that is the way it is today. There are days that there is not enough food in the world and my mind swims at the thought of what I am going to eat, sadly, how many places I am going to stop at to satisfy my cravings. I need to figure out how to turn my mind off when it kicks into overdrive. Maybe I need a 'phone-a-friend' that I can call when the food urges kick in.
I am not in the mood for anything happy or jolly and haven't been for 15+ years. Until I make a decision, I don't see that changing. There has to be love and happiness to have a blessed holiday season. For now, Thanksgiving, Christmas, & New Years Eve will be just another day on the calendar.