Have you ever had one of those dreams where you are falling, and falling....
Saturday, December 20, 2014
only to never reach the bottom? Everyday of my life is like that. I just keep falling and falling, never making it to the bottom, just twisting and screaming because I just want it to stop.
My weight continues to go up, up, up and my self-esteem level keeps spiraling downward. I have some good friends on FB that I hesitantly opened myself up to because I was having questionable thoughts, thoughts that I could see myself driving my car off the roadway into a deep ditch or into a big truck. When I was little I remember having dreams that I had razor blades in my hands and kept squeezing my hand closed around them, seeing the blood run out. The advice to me was to contact EAP through work and seek counseling. I told him I would, but needless to say I haven't done it. the thoughts have stopped being at the forefront of my mind, maybe after the first of the year.
I am once again seriously addicted to food. I can eat as though these will be the last morsels I am given for days!! I have told myself I need to practice portion control, and eat better. SOB was good for a while and stopped nagging me about food and exercise. Well, he is back at it again. How much have you eaten today? Did you exercise? Did you break a sweat? Yada, yada, yada....he's just trying to motivate me, his words, not mine. On one of those motivational speech nights, I asked him "What is going to need fixed on me after I lose weight?" Needless to say it pissed him off and he retorted there was nothing that needed fixed, he was only thinking about my health. Whatever. I wasn't born yesterday.
I am not sure if he thinks that once I meet his weight specs that the intimacy will just automatically start back up. Not gonna happen, Toots!! He hasn't wanted it this long, he's not gonna get it then either.
The whole lack of human contact is emotionally draining. He does not hug or even give me a kiss on the cheek. We haven't shared a bed in years, too many weight-related comments that it was an easy decision to let him have the queen size bed and I moved to a twin. I would love to have someone to hold my hand and give me a hug because he loves me. I am lonely. I am alone. Lately I wonder if I can even count on myself for anything.
With all of this spiraling downward, I am getting pretty good at backflips and somersaults!! My luck I will land in the ocean...and I can't swim!!!