2015 Winds of Change
Saturday, January 03, 2015
I’ve decided to call 2015 the Year of Change. I have not been particularly happy lately, and there are lots of reasons for that, which I intend to take this year to explore. I know that in order to find the happiness I’m craving, I’m going to need to make some serious changes. However, for a person like me, change is overwhelming. I’m a creature of habit, and I’m also lazy and don’t like to put a lot of thought or effort into things that I consider unpleasant, even if they are necessary.
Last spring, I decided two of the bedrooms in my house needed a serious cleaning out. One is the “guest” bedroom that tends to accumulate junk that doesn’t seem to have a home, but requires too much thought to actually throw out. The other is my boyfriend’s son’s bedroom. Let’s just call the kid a hoarder for now and leave it at that.
I’m not sure how to get across how monumentally frightening a task like that is for me. Just walking into one of those rooms and merely *thinking* about the work involved makes my skin crawl. I get nauseated and overwhelmed and I have to push it out of my mind and leave the room. I’ve only recently recognized this as anxiety.
My sister, on the other hand, loves that kind of clean-up and organizing work (how is that possible?), so I asked her to help me. She came over a total of three times, two full days and another half day. At the end of each of those sessions, I was exhausted and in tears, and I needed a week to recover, even though she did most of the work. All I did was follow orders. Later, I cleaned out one kitchen drawer by myself, and even though it only took me an hour, I was still exhausted and teary-eyed and needed a day of recovery time. That is the type of anxiety I feel when I face making changes of that type.
So imagine how I feel when I think about making personal intimate changes of the sort I need to make now. Anxious. Overwhelmed. Frightened. I can’t do it alone.
I’ve decided to engage with a counselor I know to help me explore this forest of emotions and frustrations and anxiety. Rather than call it therapy though, I’m calling it “life coaching.” I like that term better because it implies the seeking of long-term change to lead to a better, happier future. To me, therapy is more about dealing with an immediate critical need, but that’s not really where I’m at.
I know one of the first things she’s going to ask me is whether I keep a journal. And the answer is no. However, I used to blog here regularly. In 2014, I only posted four blogs, and I would like to get back into the blogging habit. I think it will help me to explore whatever comes out in these “life coaching” sessions. Whether I’ll post it all remains to be seen. But this is the first blog, and a good start I think.
I know I have a lot of work to do this year, but this is what I intend to start with.
FITNESS AND NUTRITION
I’m 20 pounds heavier than I should be. I feel fat and most of my clothes are too tight. I know how to eat right, and I know how to work out. I just need to get off my a$$ and do it. Put very simply, when I eat right and get in regular workouts, I feel better. End of story.
So… back to eating as clean as possible, swimming at least three days a week, and tracking it all to keep myself honest. This is the simplest, least overwhelming change I can make. I need to explore why I seem so unwilling to do it.
A lot has changed here already, and my own attitude needs to change to match. My kids are grown and gone, and I need to finally face that. My boyfriend has also suffered some health issues in the last two years that have caused our relationship to change. And his son… let’s just say the hoarding issue mentioned above is just the tip of the iceberg. I have a great deal of trouble with him. Plus, there are other relationships that I need to decide if they are toxic enough to end, or if they are worth salvaging.
I started my own law practice a year ago. It went pretty well, actually. I had a steep learning curve, but I handled it and I feel pretty successful. I actually became a litigator of sorts, despite all my protests to the contrary. There were a lot of scary moments, but mostly I did a good job and I had fun. Of course, I didn’t make a lot of money (very few people in their first year of business make much money), but I know if I keep doing what I’ve been doing, the only way to go is up.
THE STATE OF MY HOUSE
The two rooms my sister helped me clean out are just the beginning. Isn’t there a saying that goes something like “Clean House Happy Home?” Well, I think there’s something to that, but in this house, it just isn’t getting done. It’s a real paradox, because I want a clean house, but I hate housework, I hate yardwork, and no one else I live with seems to care. So I need to explore ways to get it done, in baby steps – and get people to help me – even though I’m not motivated to do it and it’s completely overwhelming.
That’s enough for now. Let’s not overstep and get overwhelmed before we even start!