time for a change
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
i turn 35 in a few days so that's where this is coming from. i've been reflecting a lot over the last few days and it hasn't been good. i'm in a pretty dark place today so i thought i'd get this out. hopefully it will put me back in a better place.
i've been abusing alcohol since i was 15.
i've been in debt since i was 19. most of the time it has been uncontrollable.
i've hated my body since i was about 12.
i've been overweight since i was 24. that too has gotten worse as the years go by
all these are related in one way or another.
i'm hating life today and i hate that! i'm in a much better place than so many other people. i have friends and family who love me. i have a roof over my head. i have my health, though i'm taking it for granted in the worst possible ways. i finished reading "unbroken" over the weekend and i wondered if i could endure what this guy went through. i think i'd kill myself, but am i really that weak? i hope i am never put in a position where i have to find out how strong i really am. i mean, this guy went through complete hell and i can't get my butt out of bed to workout at 4 am? why are my priorities so messed up? where is my mindset?
why can't i think of my health first? i want to be fit, healthy, energetic, confident, happy with my life. why do i put drinking ahead of that? why do i forget about my goals as soon as i get an itch to drink? once i start drinking i spend money carelessly. why? why can't i just stop at one? am i bored? i don't like being drunk, i like being buzzed, but i keep drinking to keep that feeling and it leads to drunk. not too mention hundreds of calories.
i drink out of habit. i drink out of boredom. i drink emotionally, though not so much anymore, thankfully.
i need to get a hobby.
i need to get my priorities straight.
i need to focus, completely, on my goals.
why have i lived in this cycle for so many years without fixing it? why have i let it get so bad?