time for a change

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

i turn 35 in a few days so that's where this is coming from. i've been reflecting a lot over the last few days and it hasn't been good. i'm in a pretty dark place today so i thought i'd get this out. hopefully it will put me back in a better place.

i've been abusing alcohol since i was 15.

i've been in debt since i was 19. most of the time it has been uncontrollable.

i've hated my body since i was about 12.

i've been overweight since i was 24. that too has gotten worse as the years go by

all these are related in one way or another.

i'm hating life today and i hate that! i'm in a much better place than so many other people. i have friends and family who love me. i have a roof over my head. i have my health, though i'm taking it for granted in the worst possible ways. i finished reading "unbroken" over the weekend and i wondered if i could endure what this guy went through. i think i'd kill myself, but am i really that weak? i hope i am never put in a position where i have to find out how strong i really am. i mean, this guy went through complete hell and i can't get my butt out of bed to workout at 4 am? why are my priorities so messed up? where is my mindset?

why can't i think of my health first? i want to be fit, healthy, energetic, confident, happy with my life. why do i put drinking ahead of that? why do i forget about my goals as soon as i get an itch to drink? once i start drinking i spend money carelessly. why? why can't i just stop at one? am i bored? i don't like being drunk, i like being buzzed, but i keep drinking to keep that feeling and it leads to drunk. not too mention hundreds of calories.

i drink out of habit. i drink out of boredom. i drink emotionally, though not so much anymore, thankfully.

i need to get a hobby.

i need to get my priorities straight.

i need to focus, completely, on my goals.


why have i lived in this cycle for so many years without fixing it? why have i let it get so bad?

Share This Post With Others
Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Good for you for getting this out there. I think you are on the right track.. to look for other things, activities, etc to divert yourself in a positive way. yep, stepping back from alcohol or any other over indulgence is a tough first step, but sounds like you are ready to do it. Good luck in finding what works for you. Just keep trying, different activities, strategies, etc.. maybe you will find a couple of new fun ways to divert yourself and create other new healthy habits!
    Good luck! you can do it!
    2304 days ago
    emoticon What a great blog -- you are really putting it out there. Have you tried taking a month off from drinking? It has helped some of my friends who have been questioning their dependence on alcohol. See how it works for you and if you find it's not possible (I had a friend who couldn't even make it 2 days), you might want to try a new approach/program. Right now you are using it as an escape. We all do this from time to time, but you are right that it can get in the way of your goals. On your birthday, why not try to focus on just enjoying the day, enjoying your life and all the good you have. If you have a drink or two, savor them. Enjoy the feeling and know that when it goes away, that does not mean your happiness has to end. I know because I used to approach drinking the same way -- always chasing a buzz that would sometimes lead to blackouts or just being way too drunk. It stops being fun. emoticon emoticon
    2304 days ago
    Only you can dig your way out of the dark hole.... I abuse alcohol too. For the very same reason as you.... I want to keep that buzz and it often turns to drunk. I've bee njust abstaining. I have a problem with moderation. Is 4 AM the only time you can work out? Try some of SP's tips and work out 10 minutes at a time.... When you want to reach for a drink, go to You Tube or SP and find a workout videoe and do it instead. Drink a glass of water in between every drink. It does help! I hope you find your way!! Happy early birthday!! PS Who of us could go thru that kind of torture? Not many of us. Life is tough enough h just as it is!
    2305 days ago
    Getting out of bed at 4am to workout is not healthy - our bodies are supposed to sleep at night, and 4am is night. Unless you are in bed every night at 7pm so that you can sleep for about 8 hrs (which is unlikely) you are going to get seriously exhausted. That will mean that turning to alcohol, food, whatever else - will be almost impossible to resist.

    I am so happy that you are here on Spark People - please look after yourself - use the support of the teams on here where you can tackle the issues that are causing you to suffer.

    Good luck dear Sparker!

    2305 days ago
    2306 days ago
    It's great to realize what you are fighting. The older you get the more you will like yourself.. well I have anyway..and I am approaching 60. Get that hobby! If you drink maybe go to Ultra or one of the other low cal/carb/alcohol content beers. I might just have to take a look at Awakening Joy like Honeybee suggested.
    2306 days ago
    emoticon And Well Wishes! I'll be 35 in March, it sometimes feels so weird to be in my 30's. LOL I hope you find the answers to the questions you are searching for. You might enjoy reading the book Awakening Joy. I'm currently reading it and find it to be really great and helpful, another sparkfriend had recommended it to me awhile back and I've been slowly going through it.
    2306 days ago
  • Add Your Comment to the Blog Post

    Log in to post a comment

    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.