giving it my all, or i'm quitting
Friday, February 20, 2015
i've been struggling, i've been self-sabotaging myself, i've been lying to myself, i've been full of one excuse after another. when did this start? it's been going on so long i can't even tell. but it needs to change! i've been gaining and losing the same 5-10 lbs for months! i can't do this anymore. i can't invest all this time and money into myself and just keep throwing it all away. i plan my meals and snacks, then just eat whatever the heck i want to. i'm on a food budget and i work very hard to stick to it. then i go and waste some of that money on soda and junk food. what the heck is wrong with me?!
i make a goal and then not even a day into it i'm doing whatever i can to screw it up. this week (saturday - friday) i was going to workout every day and avoid alcohol. i didn't even make it through saturday without drinking. i worked out saturday and sunday, but that's it.
i was going to do a dietbet transformer. it's a 6 month challenge where you put $25 in a pot for 6 months and at the end whoever had lost 10% of their weight wins money. i seriously considered it, then was honest with myself that i'd be throwing the money away. so i decided to do my own challenge. i would weigh myself monthly for 6 months and if i made the target weight that month i'd add $25 to the pot. if i made my goal at the end of 6 months i'd win whatever was in the pot, if i didn't make it i'd win nothing. i started this on wednesday. since then i've eaten more junkfood than anyone ever should and i haven't worked out once. what is wrong with me?! i can't even try?!
i've been meaning to do the beck diet for over 2 months. i did the first week before christmas and it got too hectic to devote the time i needed. what's stopping me now?
why do i constantly set out to sabotage myself? why is it the closer i get to onederland the more i try to make myself fail? why am i so afraid of my own success? why is it that i'll cringe at spending $30 on healthy food, but i'll go to a restaurant and eat and drink without even thinking about it?
where are my priorities? where is my passion?
i want this healthy lifestyle! i want to be fit and healthy! i want to be a good example to my friends and family! i want to motivate someone! why do i keep myself from achieving my goals?
i can't keep doing this to myself. my weeks start on saturday. that's my weigh in day, it's my day to set up goals and reflect on the past week. i'm giving myself 4 weeks from tomorrow to make some progress. i don't want to put a number like 8 lbs lost, i'm sure that will just make me sabotage my efforts before i even get this posted. i know what i need to do. i know what i need to eat, and not eat. i know i need to workout. if i don't make a genuine improvement on eating and working out in the next 4 weeks, i'm done. i have to stay on plan, i have to work towards my goals. i can't keep wasting my time, and yours.