that one time when i gained 10 pounds in two months
Friday, May 15, 2015
seriously, since march 14 I have gained 10 lbs! I gained 4.4 of them in one week!
I can't get passed this all-or-nothing attitude. if I mess up one day I can't get back on track. I say next meal and it turns into next week. and then I just keep going with junk food, booze, etc saying i'll make up for it next week. then I just do worse the next week!
dh even called me out on it yesterday saying I've lost my focus.
am I bored? do I feel like a failure since I can't stay on track and just keep gaining?
I know it started with my knee. I lost 7 lbs in the 2-3 weeks leading up to my knee injury. then I was told to stay off it for a few weeks so I quit my workouts. I could still walk! but I was so frustrated and depressed I didn't even do that. now I still have to stay off my knee, but I haven't found any alternative exercises. this is a life long issues, I can't just not workout because the injury will reoccur. I can walk, run and basically do anything as long as I don't kneel down. so I have to do pushups the proper way! get over it! ugh.
you know that thing fb does where you get your memories of the past few years every morning? last week I got one of a pic of my 20 lb weight loss from last year. I was so proud of myself in that post, where did that focus and determination go? I realized I had only lost 6 lbs a year later. I mean, I had lost more, but I had gained a lot of it back and was sitting at 6 lbs overall.
why do I have such a fear of success? am I afraid I won't be able to maintain once I lose the weight? I had reached my goal weight in 2005, or so, and then gained it all back, and more over the next 4-5 years. I have been maintaining roughly the same weight since 2010. I have had a child since then so I gained and lost about 30 lbs with that. other than that, I'm hovering at the same weight for 5-6 years. but I'm smarter now! I barely had to work to lose the 40 lbs last time. when I hit 150 I was like, oh yeah! I did it! and then went back to my regular lifestyle, plus brought on the lovely aspects of life such as stress, financial issues, house buying, stress eating, excessive drinking, binge eating/drinking, lack of happiness with the current state of life. I just didn't deal with anything and ate and drank to avoid dealing with the actual issues. now I'm in a different phase of my life and trying to break old habits, forgive myself and others, get out of debt, learn to take care of myself properly and undo the damage I caused.
I seriously have no excuses. I have time to workout, I just choose to push the snooze button and keep sleeping. I have access to decently healthy food. yet I choose to make poor choices on a daily basis. I know how awesome I feel when I don't drink, yet I drink most days. I don't even like the soda I drink almost daily, yet I let the habit of drinking it control my actions.
yesterday I hit a 250 day spark streak of spinning the wheel. that's huge! I know I have dedication and I know I can keep myself accountable, so why aren't I? I keep trying to focus on tracking food so I can get back on track. I'm good for a day or two, then I mess up and just keep doing down hill until next week. only to repeat the same mistakes!
I know I try to be perfect at everything and I know that's not possible. I just need to focus on being decent at something, like tracking, until I become good at it. but I just want to be good at it from day one. I don't want to mess up, I want to have a sparkling tracker at the end of the week. and I could do that, but it wouldn't be honest! I can lie to my tracker, but I can't lie to myself. if I don't track the bag of chips I ate I feel like I can ignore it. then I a couple days later when I'm being tempted with a donut I'm like, why not? I already messed up with that bag of chips.
I need to figure out how to get my focus back. I can't keep letting excuses and bad habits control me. I must get back on track! I've been gaining about a pound a week over the past few weeks. sure, there have been weeks of maintenance, but there's been no loss in over two months. if I don't change things I'm going to gain back everything I've lost and then some. I need to wake up and take control.