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that one time when i gained 10 pounds in two months

Friday, May 15, 2015

seriously, since march 14 I have gained 10 lbs! I gained 4.4 of them in one week!

I can't get passed this all-or-nothing attitude. if I mess up one day I can't get back on track. I say next meal and it turns into next week. and then I just keep going with junk food, booze, etc saying i'll make up for it next week. then I just do worse the next week!

dh even called me out on it yesterday saying I've lost my focus.

am I bored? do I feel like a failure since I can't stay on track and just keep gaining?

I know it started with my knee. I lost 7 lbs in the 2-3 weeks leading up to my knee injury. then I was told to stay off it for a few weeks so I quit my workouts. I could still walk! but I was so frustrated and depressed I didn't even do that. now I still have to stay off my knee, but I haven't found any alternative exercises. this is a life long issues, I can't just not workout because the injury will reoccur. I can walk, run and basically do anything as long as I don't kneel down. so I have to do pushups the proper way! get over it! ugh.

you know that thing fb does where you get your memories of the past few years every morning? last week I got one of a pic of my 20 lb weight loss from last year. I was so proud of myself in that post, where did that focus and determination go? I realized I had only lost 6 lbs a year later. I mean, I had lost more, but I had gained a lot of it back and was sitting at 6 lbs overall.

why do I have such a fear of success? am I afraid I won't be able to maintain once I lose the weight? I had reached my goal weight in 2005, or so, and then gained it all back, and more over the next 4-5 years. I have been maintaining roughly the same weight since 2010. I have had a child since then so I gained and lost about 30 lbs with that. other than that, I'm hovering at the same weight for 5-6 years. but I'm smarter now! I barely had to work to lose the 40 lbs last time. when I hit 150 I was like, oh yeah! I did it! and then went back to my regular lifestyle, plus brought on the lovely aspects of life such as stress, financial issues, house buying, stress eating, excessive drinking, binge eating/drinking, lack of happiness with the current state of life. I just didn't deal with anything and ate and drank to avoid dealing with the actual issues. now I'm in a different phase of my life and trying to break old habits, forgive myself and others, get out of debt, learn to take care of myself properly and undo the damage I caused.

I seriously have no excuses. I have time to workout, I just choose to push the snooze button and keep sleeping. I have access to decently healthy food. yet I choose to make poor choices on a daily basis. I know how awesome I feel when I don't drink, yet I drink most days. I don't even like the soda I drink almost daily, yet I let the habit of drinking it control my actions.

yesterday I hit a 250 day spark streak of spinning the wheel. that's huge! I know I have dedication and I know I can keep myself accountable, so why aren't I? I keep trying to focus on tracking food so I can get back on track. I'm good for a day or two, then I mess up and just keep doing down hill until next week. only to repeat the same mistakes!

I know I try to be perfect at everything and I know that's not possible. I just need to focus on being decent at something, like tracking, until I become good at it. but I just want to be good at it from day one. I don't want to mess up, I want to have a sparkling tracker at the end of the week. and I could do that, but it wouldn't be honest! I can lie to my tracker, but I can't lie to myself. if I don't track the bag of chips I ate I feel like I can ignore it. then I a couple days later when I'm being tempted with a donut I'm like, why not? I already messed up with that bag of chips.

I need to figure out how to get my focus back. I can't keep letting excuses and bad habits control me. I must get back on track! I've been gaining about a pound a week over the past few weeks. sure, there have been weeks of maintenance, but there's been no loss in over two months. if I don't change things I'm going to gain back everything I've lost and then some. I need to wake up and take control.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • TORNADOTAMER
    I'm here with you right now! I have a similar story - was on track early this year, lost some weight, hurt my knee, then completly gave in to depression on lack of movement and gained everything back. I start and stop so many times! I think one of my reasons for having difficulty is that I have NEVER had to worry about food/exercise, so I didn't learn all of this stuff when I was in my 20's and 30's. I'm now in the 40's and having to learn how to eat and exercise and it is difficult. I remember the days pre-children (I had all four of my kids from age 32-39) when I was a healthy weight and I could eat anything I wanted. Now, add in four pregnancies, some hormonal shifts, and I am just plain annoyed. It sucks to now have to worry about food and until I can get accept the "it's not fair" thoughts, I think I'm going to have a difficult time.

    I wish you all the best and hope we can both overcome these potholes in our roads. emoticon
    2178 days ago
  • ADARKARA
    all or nothing is a recipe for failure. losing weight is just a series of good decisions, made one decision at a time. emoticon
    2193 days ago
  • NELLJONES
    I'm not sure if it's fear of succeeding, or fear of anticipating the perceived distress of what it takes to get there. If I heard gunfire, I am the one who would hit the ground to avoid getting hit, not the hero moving to stop the threat. It's the same with food. I avoid that first bite the same way I would stay out of the path of bullets. Call me a coward, but I just can't stop once started, so I avoid.
    2194 days ago
  • MUSCLE-UP
    I'm doing this right now too. Over the last few weeks I have almost put back on 10 my self. What helps me some when I am like this is I go out and read Spark Pages of members who have lost a lot of weight. It seems to help me do a reset. Good luck! You really do have this.
    2194 days ago
  • MARINGAL
    First of all, cut out the "booze." Start walking slowly. Watch chair exercises on videos that you can find on this website. Eat healthy. If your husband notices a change in you on the positive side, life can get a bit better? ;o)
    2194 days ago
  • JENSTRESS
    I've been there. I just got back from there. I wish you the best. It isn't easy to turn it around, but just keep making those choices.
    2194 days ago
  • HONEYBEESBLISS
    P.S. I just saw this book and it looks really good! Just One Thing: Developing a Buddha Brain One Simple Practice at a Time

    http://smile.amazon.com
    /Just-One-Thing-Developing-Prac
    tice/dp/1608820319/ref=tmm_pap_
    title_0?ie=UTF8&qid=1431714222&
    sr=8-2-fkmr1
    2194 days ago
  • HONEYBEESBLISS
    You know I think you could benefit from reading a book on changing your brain/thinking patterns like Buddha's Brain or Awakening Joy! It's neuroscience and I really feel like it would help with what you are going through! I know it may seem unrelated to weight loss but it is more related than people think! I know it's helped me a ton and really contributed to my ongoing success!

    Not sure if these links will work but I copy and pasted them anyway. If not just search for the titles I told you above.

    http://smile.amazon.c
    om/Buddhas-Brain-Practical-Neur
    oscience-Happiness/dp/157224695
    2/ref=sr_1_fkmr1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=
    1431714222&sr=8-1-fkmr1&keyword
    s=joy+budda%27s+brain

    ht
    tp://smile.amazon.com/Awakening
    -Joy-10-Steps-Happiness/dp/1937
    006220/ref=pd_sim_14_9?ie=UTF8&refRID=1RNF1XPWWA4N67YFZKFD
    2194 days ago
  • TIKITAMI

    My suggestion would be give up the all or nothing. It's so overwhelming! Find your starting point, for me it was making sure I got 10 mins of exercise a day. You can do this. You are going to make mistakes, we all make them but you will keep trying and you will get it right.

    emoticon emoticon
    2194 days ago
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