A rant because I do not have all the answers...
Sunday, July 05, 2015
I am not stupid. In fact, I pride myself on being pretty smart. At the same time, I’m certainly not claiming to know everything. And I think I’m pretty good about knowing my limitations. That being said, I’m tired. I’m resentful. And these days I’m getting downright angry. I’m tired of dealing with people who are either (a) thinking only of themselves and/or (b) think they know me better than I know me. I am tired of arguing. I’m mentally and physically tired. I feel like I want to hide away in a cabin for a few months and get away from it all. It wouldn’t fix anything, but it would give me time to regroup. Think. Be. Be me. Because I seem to have lost what that means.
I’m tired of being resentful of a child. It makes me feel like a horrible human. But so much of my life is dictated by him. Where I live. What my work schedule is. When I can get a haircut, get my nails done, what I eat, what errands I can run and when. How long I can stay at the office. It’s all dictated by him.
I was happy. I knew who I was. I knew what I wanted. I enjoyed it all. I could solve the problems because I could see beyond them. Today, all I see are the problems. And beyond those problems, I only see more problems. I lost the horizon. I lost the vision. I lost me.
I don’t know how to get the vision back. Because it’s all in my head, but I can’t just flip a switch. I’m not even sure how I got to here other than I just am tired. And no amount of sleep seems to be the cure. So, what? Staying here isn’t an option. Running away isn’t an option. Sleeping forever isn’t an option. So – what is the escape plan?
Every once in a while I get a fleeting break in the exhaustion. A glimpse at who I used to be. But at the slightest speed bump – and there are always speed bumps – I fall down, stunned and dejected, and seem to go back angrier than I was before.
And being in a constant state of angry is exhausting. But emotions are within my own control. No one can elicit an emotional response from me unless I give them the power to do so. So, what’s made me so weak? Why does everyone – from the 11 year old to the cranky person at the end of a legal contract to the weather – seem to have more power over me than I have over me?
I do not have the answer to this right now. I do not know why I am so lost. But writing used to always help me. So, here I go– hoping for an answer as I process my thoughts. I figure I have nothing to lose.