New beginnings, it's the "ME" show!

Sunday, July 19, 2015

I tend to like to wear black a lot. The last few years I've made myself wear brighter tops- even prints! Why is this hard?

I remember being right out of college, walking around downtown Seattle, and with the crowds it helped me feel 'invisible'. I loved that. No one knew me- I'd left all my friends behind in SoCal. And invisible was a good place for me.

So I wore dark a lot. Black pants always. Even when I would wear a lighter top the bottoms were dark. Invisible. Harder to see. Don't draw attention to myself.

When I was younger I was always the fattest kid. And I was taunted all through school. To this day if I talk about it in detail it makes me want to throw up and cry. It was awful.

As I got older I found my place among supportive friends and family and I was okay. But in photos I wanted to be in the back- carefully placed - not noticeable. Invisible, sort of. Arms crossed over my middle- hidden.

My sisters and I were talking about this- about how even when it's not how we look to the world physically- how we 'think' we look to them haunts us- and 'looking' weak- needy- less than...none of those places are places we are comfortable going.

We hide when we're 'doing bad'- we don't ask for help. We stay 'invisible'. Because that is where we are most comfortable. And what is the one thing we an always count on when we are there? Food.

When I was talking to my husband recently I told him as a child we moved all the time- and music was the only friend I could take with me from place to place. And then it was food. Food was the friend that always understood.

It's why we are so shamed when we can't lose the weight- or admit we failed- or slipped- or whatever. We feel it exposes our weakness- it exposes the one thing in our life we really are not good at controlling.

And what does this have to do with where I am? Being in the midst of all this change- needing to raise the funds for surgery- being all over facebook- having everything in my home and life being about ME- THIS- it's an adjustment for me. My husband even told me that everything IS about me cause it has to be.

Going from invisible to the ME show? Not fun.

How hard is it for us to really let the spotlight shine on us? Do you hide? Wear dark things? Stay home? Do you avoid letting people see what is really going on with you? Invisible.

I can't stay invisible if I'm going to get well. I have to be in the light- admit I need help- admit I can't do it all. I have to do this or I can't ever get out of the shadows of my own shame.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    For years I was the picture taker until one day my kids said something that made me change my way of thinking. Unfortunately they were young adults by this time but they were looking through childhood pictures when they realized I was in very few of them. Yep, I was always the one taking the pictures, at birthday parties, picnics, school outings, family gatherings and most important all our vacations. It really upset them when I explained that I didn't like the way I looked in pictures. They all hugged me and explained that they loved me exactly the way I was/am and wish they had more pictures to remember me exactly as I was all those years. Since then I make sure to BE IN any pictures at gatherings and be very present in pictures with my grandchildren. It's too important not to!!
    2199 days ago
    Di just a great blog. Yes I too am the pic taker and have been for years and years. I wore dark colors when younger especially, Mom said would hid e the fat...LOL.
    I still do not like to be out to be seen, but it happens and I have learned to take the comments these days more positive. Yet the pain and hurt of the taunting as a young person and adult still sting. I too would prefer many times to be invisible.
    But we do have to get out of the comfort zone that we have had for so long and learn to accept who we are today. You are learning to do that because this means your life. We are NOT failures any of us we are trying to make things better and that is a success.

    Time to step out and enjoy the life we have....LET OUR LIGHT SHINE!!!

    Keep moving forward dear friend, you are worth every effort and this is about YOU accept and be glad that you have this option and tool to use.

    Hugs and smiles
    2200 days ago
  • SUNSHINE5268
    Di, you are the sweetest person and the most precious person (((( hugs ))))

    Yes it is hard to have the spotlight on us, as beautiful (inside and out) that we are.... sometimes I wish I was invisible.... but somehow... people STILL see me LOL... smiles.

    in regard to raising funds for your surgery.... are you talking about the co-pay of the surgery or the cost of the entire surgery that you are needing to raise money for?

    I ask because most hospitals have some kind of "indigent program" for those who may not be able to pay for surgery due to a financial situation and then if they qualify for this indigent program, the patient then pays at a reduced price..... I hope the hospital you choose to have the surgery in... has this type of program available. let us know,

    2200 days ago
  • CRACKERS4554
    I still have a difficult time walking into a party or a social gathering when I feel fat, but today I put on a bathing suit and went to the pool. I remember when this suit was perfect for my body shape, but today I couldn't believe how tight it was! I decided to still get in the pool because 30 days from now people are going to ask what I am doing to look so good! I am learning to love my body thanks to Spark people! Di, you are on a path which will open up your eyes as to "why" you are where you are in your journey. I write about my my triggers and I am healing one page at a time. My thoughts are with you.
    2200 days ago
    I tried to hide because I feel judged. Not in a positive way. Once, when I worked as a book keeper at a restaurant, a patron actually mooed like a cow as I walk past their table. People always feel they know why you are fat and they offer unsolicited advice.
    Here are some I am familiar with, and you probably are too:

    “No! Don’t have a bagel! Carbs are bad!”
    "fat girls don't get asked on dates."
    “All you have to do is drink water and eat healthy.”
    "You must love the all you can buffets."
    “But you have such a beautiful face.”- translation-the rest of you is ugly.
    “I feel sooo fat.” (from the size 10 friend.)
    “Oh, why are you having a protein shake? Who told you to do that? I don’t think you should do that, I think you should….”
    “I love your style but I actually think you would look better in…”
    “Why don’t you try smaller portions and eating every 3-4 hours?”
    "Just eat carrots when you feel hungry." -that from a very thin co-worker.
    “Do some fun exercise! If you find something fun that you love it won’t feel like you’re working out.”
    “Have you gotten your thyroid checked?”
    "Have you been checked for goiter?"-(Thanks Aunt Carol.)
    “When’s your due date?” -from a lady at the laundry mat.
    “Have you tried weight watchers/diet pills/Jenny Craig?”
    "Just eat one tablespoon of the sweets you like."
    "Don't wear you hair like that, it makes your face look fatter."

    Yes, there's a reason I try to stay hidden.
    But you are not going to have to do that anymore, Di. You are going to be front and center, holding your head up high. And I hope you post a lot of pictures to prove it!

    2200 days ago

    Comment edited on: 7/20/2015 1:14:58 PM
    Like Deb, I usually take the pictures instead of being IN them. I HATE the way that I look in mirrors or pictures. I HATE the way that I THINK that I look, all the time. Oh well, YESl I hide in plain sight. I do what I can to always be the positive, happy, upbeat person. Always cheering everyone on and supporting everyone in my path. When I NEED their help & support I feel bad. I feel like a failure. I feel that I don't deserve their help because I am a failure. Oh well. I'm going to figure it out and try to love me more. Love me enough to take care of myself and to ask for help. I'm so grateful that you're my sister/friend and we can talk honestly with each other. THANK YOU for today and for this blog. I LOVE YOU!
    2200 days ago
    Even though I hide some in pictures, I've always had the excuse that I was taller than most of the rest. I have never liked black (or white for that matter) near my face as I think that it is not a flattering color for me. I don't necessarily wear light colors, but I do wear colors on top. I wear mostly jeans on bottom for practicality. I also wear some black pants, rarely any other colors. So I guess that I am also doing some hiding. I also find that blazers are great for hiding.

    As I lose weight, I find that I am less concerned about dressing for camouflage.

    Just another thing that we need to work out about this weight loss thing.

    Have a good week!

    2200 days ago
    I always wear black slacks. I have very lumpy misshapen legs and I feel like black hides it better than lighter colors. I so try to hide. I take the pictures rather than be in them. I don't like being the center of attention. I give you a lot of credit for putting yourself out there because I know you are just like me .
    2200 days ago
  • KNH771
    I think there is a part of us that feels that being in the spotlight or the center of attention is prideful - and it can be, but I think in this case, it is both the healing of your past, and the practice of humility. I do wear a lot of black, but I think it's because I like the simplicity of it. It's not a way to hide so much as a way to be sophisticated and chic. There's a reason you are supposed to have a Little Black Dress in your closet, and not a Little Green One... I guess everything depends on perspective. I'm sorry to hear that you aren't doing well, but I'll keep you in my prayers.
    2200 days ago
    I'm with you. I've never been comfortable in the spotlight. I'm proud of you for stepping outside of your comfort zone and doing what needs to be done for you.
    2200 days ago
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