I tend to like to wear black a lot. The last few years I've made myself wear brighter tops- even prints! Why is this hard?
I remember being right out of college, walking around downtown Seattle, and with the crowds it helped me feel 'invisible'. I loved that. No one knew me- I'd left all my friends behind in SoCal. And invisible was a good place for me.
So I wore dark a lot. Black pants always. Even when I would wear a lighter top the bottoms were dark. Invisible. Harder to see. Don't draw attention to myself.
When I was younger I was always the fattest kid. And I was taunted all through school. To this day if I talk about it in detail it makes me want to throw up and cry. It was awful.
As I got older I found my place among supportive friends and family and I was okay. But in photos I wanted to be in the back- carefully placed - not noticeable. Invisible, sort of. Arms crossed over my middle- hidden.
My sisters and I were talking about this- about how even when it's not how we look to the world physically- how we 'think' we look to them haunts us- and 'looking' weak- needy- less than...none of those places are places we are comfortable going.
We hide when we're 'doing bad'- we don't ask for help. We stay 'invisible'. Because that is where we are most comfortable. And what is the one thing we an always count on when we are there? Food.
When I was talking to my husband recently I told him as a child we moved all the time- and music was the only friend I could take with me from place to place. And then it was food. Food was the friend that always understood.
It's why we are so shamed when we can't lose the weight- or admit we failed- or slipped- or whatever. We feel it exposes our weakness- it exposes the one thing in our life we really are not good at controlling.
And what does this have to do with where I am? Being in the midst of all this change- needing to raise the funds for surgery- being all over facebook- having everything in my home and life being about ME- THIS- it's an adjustment for me. My husband even told me that everything IS about me cause it has to be.
Going from invisible to the ME show? Not fun.
How hard is it for us to really let the spotlight shine on us? Do you hide? Wear dark things? Stay home? Do you avoid letting people see what is really going on with you? Invisible.
I can't stay invisible if I'm going to get well. I have to be in the light- admit I need help- admit I can't do it all. I have to do this or I can't ever get out of the shadows of my own shame.