back.... running out of jail... again...
Monday, October 19, 2015
Life is a struggle sometimes. Sometimes, it flows like water. Other times, it flows like cement, a mudslide, a rock slide or an avalanche.
I keep falling down. I get back up.
Fun foods and larger portions of quality foods have been making their way back onto my plate. I am aware I'm comforting myself with food. Food was a coping tool ingrained via childhood. There wasn't much money but there was never starvation. An acre garden plot stretched the budget along with meat procured from the farm - I grew up on a dairy farm.
Food was a coping tool. A tool for celebration. A tool for control.
Christmas was about cookies and candies. Birthdays about poppyseed cake with lemon topping and white frosting. Weddings about the cake then the food. Gatherings about what tasty things friends brought to eat. Or my dad buying ice cream to stash in the freezer as my mom made progress in losing weight - more about his feelings about her losing weight, stoking thoughts he never shared.
I can numb out when I don't want to hear something or if I want to do what I want to do.
My MO? I am a "good public eater" and then sneak stuff when I'm alone. Or I just eat more of something healthier. More calories are sometimes more calories.
I'm not going to be perfect. When I fall off the wagon and notice I've fallen, it's time to stand back up, dust myself off, and start moving again. Toss in some kindness because kicking myself in the butt did work - it gave me bruises. Cruelty sparks more numbness and avoidance.
Getting to the end is a straight line. Just like being an overnight success is. Getting out of jail means that I will run back in to where it's safe and comfortable and then realize where I'm at. Then I run out again.
Success looks more like a stock market ticker graph - up and down and up and down with an overall trending pattern. Awareness is hard and it can't be maintained all of the time. We are wired to allow autopilot to run. Autopilot IS faster. Cognitive "thinking" is slower.
Know how to drive your car? If you drive, you probably would say yes. Teach someone to drive and you'll see how many things you do while driving you don't notice that you even do until your teenager (or whomever) isn't doing something necessary.
Eating habits are like driving. The word "habit" is part of that phrase. That's autopilot behavior. What do you feel when you see a piece of cake? Or maybe chips? Or some food that just brings a smile to your face? You've got an ingrained response to something you've experienced before. It can put us back at a particular time and place - good, bad or neutral.
I used to "hate" tonic water. I tried it again a couple of years ago and found that I actually like it. I sometimes buy diet tonic water and drink that instead of soda. Nothing is more refreshing to me now than iced tonic water with lime - skip the gin - after I've been doing yard work or mowing the lawn.
The sparkpeople app is about cultivating awareness and providing information & community. Good stuff.