New beginnings: through my eyes

Wednesday, December 09, 2015

I never see myself the way I am. I tend to see what I think I've always seen- someone who is overweight and, therefore, not attractive. I've had moments when I could 'see' someone different, but it's hard.

Back when I joined SP in 2009 I was determined to lose this weight once and for all, and I tried. I lost over 100 pounds from my high weight (that I know of), and was happy to post my progress pictures...to be in smaller sizes. I felt so hopeful, and happy with myself.

This picture was taken in October 2010 before the 'climb' happened, before I kept gaining weight. I barely fit into the top, and was excited about continuing to lose.

I've felt awful since this picture was taken, because it wasn't me any longer. I just kept gaining, as I'd always done.

You all know that I've had to have surgery- and since August 4th I've lost 89 pounds to date. I know I'm losing, I know I'm smaller, but my head hasn't caught up with this. Yesterday I posted a before photo and someone called me on it, telling me I had to post a current one and start to see the difference. So, I wore the blouse from 2010 today, which has been sitting in my closet unused since October 2010. I want to see that I'm at least where I was before (even though I weigh less), and I'm trying to get my head to catch up with my body. It's all part of the process, this is so much more in our head than it is anything else.

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