New beginning: New Year!

Wednesday, January 06, 2016

I wanted to share a moment of bliss I had today. (This is long- sorry) Sunday was my month 5 surgiversary. I didn't meet my goal of -100 on that day, but I have this week. I still have a long way to go though, and it's easy to feel like the effort isn't giving me the results I want.

After all- my whole life I've wanted results NOW. I've wanted to eat one good meal and see the pounds melt away. I've wanted to 'diet' for a week or a month or whatever- and feel like I could walk around in a swim suit and elicit envy from all the haters. And I wanted it to happen now while I snuck m&m's or pizza for dinner or...whatever.

But I'm learning this time (at my very advanced age) that this is so much about my head and not always about my stomach. And I'm finding a place of gratitude for where I am. But- I don't always 'see' it.

I run a program at an early childhood center for families- and I visit there weekly as much as possible- but I don't always see their director. I stopped in today and walked past the office and she came running out into the hall after me and I heard "who is this person?". When I turned around- she was huge eyed...and she said she couldn't believe how different I looked.

But it wasn't just my shrinking size- she was amazed at how HEALTHY I looked. She just kept talking. And in that moment- I was transported back several months ago- when I was sitting in her office after using my walker to get into the building- winded and out of breath- and struggling to even focus on my job there. I could see myself as I was, and it was all I could do not to start crying.

I didn't really notice- things have changed so gradually. But this has changed ME in more ways than what size I am. I'll never be able to walk around in a swim suit and elicit envy- I'll never be toned or 'hot'. But I can walk without assistance today, with my head held high and a spring in my step, and I can do it without feeling like I'm dying. How easy it is to forget those moments of devastation and hopelessness. When I'm feeling down, feeling the scale isn't my friend, feeling I've slipped...I want to remind myself to stop and remember that worst moment when it all felt hopeless.

This surgery has renewed my hope. What an amazing gift.
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