Obliteration and reintegration
Sunday, January 10, 2016
I am back. In the time I've been away my life has changed so much.
I finished my PhD. I submitted just over a year ago. I had to change my topic very late in the day, which means I did the entire PhD in 16 months. That kind of workload is probably impossible, but I did it anyway. However, it did mean all kinds of epic burnout. I have been so messed up since submission I have barely been able to run my own life.
Near the end of my PhD I left my partner of 18 years. I am so glad that relationship is over. It was fine in the beginning for a number of years, but it went oh-so sour. Perhaps the timing was bad, but I could no longer cope with the situation. He acted like a complete arse (as expected) and I was kinda homeless for a while. I don't recommend finishing a PhD while homeless. It's incredibly stressful. Especially having done it in such a ridiculously short timeframe.
However, I found my own little house and moved in last February. We share custody of the kids. I'm delighted to say that my ex has now got over his tanty and is acting like an adult. We have a very amicable relationship and can work well in co-parenting our children.
I have two new polyamorous relationships. My two men are both fabulous and supportive, both of me and each other. It does make for busy times, parenting, working and seeing two people, but it's worth it. I make sure I get time for myself as well and I am learning to feel again. To love again. It is beautiful.
I have also become involved in my local BDSM community. They are a great bunch of people who are so accepting. I love going to kink events and seeing the great variety of ages, gender orientations and sizes all accepted for who they are. There really is no body-shaming and it's fantastic. I love it.
So where am I on my health?
During the PhD I had no time for exercise, tracking or even breathing at times. So I gained weight. Then near the end I was so stressed I couldn't eat at all, so I lost a lot. But of course, the starvation messed up my system, so when I started eating again, I really ballooned and returned to the poor habits I picked up during my PhD. Anyway, it's been a while, and now it's time to work on fixing the damage done to my body from the past two and a half years.
I am starting simply by tracking my food. I am still sometimes overwhelmed and barely able to cope, so I'm starting small. I know how to eat well. I have done it for so many years. So at least that hurdle has been cleared. Now it's just a matter of practicing until it becomes normal again.