Not the easy way

Sunday, January 31, 2016

Despite what I used to think- or others might think- getting surgery for weight loss is NOT the 'easy way'.

For one thing- it's like being forced into detox with an addiction- your emotional crutches all gone- I went into this with no real tools to deal with my emotional eating and it has been a rough ride. I've been pretty depressed going through this, and while I'm thankful and grateful daily for my gifts and for my life- that hasn't seemed to help with the depression.

And this tool, and it's a great tool don't get me wrong- the tool doesn't do everything. It doesn't force you to eat something or to not eat something else. Those are still choices.

Someone recently asked me why I didn't just start eating a few hundred calories a day since it's like suffering anyway, and avoid the surgery? Well, that would have been great. But honestly- I was broken. I broke myself, no question there. But after 50 years of being obese (yes I was actually obese as a child- not chubby) I had managed to break the way my body was supposed to work. Nothing I did short of this very drastic measure would have netted a result.

And I saw that- year after year- 45 years of dieting. I might lose a little bit- but my net result was gaining year after year. More broken.

So did surgery 'fix' my broken body? No. It drastically changed the way I absorb food- but it didn't fix me. I am one of those people who are always going to have to do this. Eat like this. No carbs ever. No 'normal' food. Restriction will be my life.

And none of us like it. I watch post after post of how hard we try to find a way to just eat the things we want- or versions of them- and not gain or maintain. How can we alter something so we can have sweets, goodies, pizza, baked goods? I understand it because I did it for all my life. And I know there are some people- fortunate people- who were not totally broken and can live that life.

I can't. I'm not bemoaning that. I'm really accepting that. And learning that for the rest of the life I have- I will be fueling my body and not my taste buds, not my desire for yummy gooey sweet or salty foods. I'll be feeding my body the way I maybe should have been feeding it all along? I don't know.

My path isn't everyone's path. For some people there may be time to go back and have a good reset of your digestive system- fix what happened. For some- your weight or health may not be a barrier to life. That just isn't my path. I thought I was a 'healthy fat person' my whole life. Until I wasn't.

I know this probably sounds depressing and I am sorry if it is- I can tell you it doesn't feel like it to me- it feels like a new beginning- a first step into the rest of my life. That is a good thing, because I have a possible life now. And six months ago- I really didn't.

February 3rd will be my 6 month anniversary of this new beginning. I'll post more then.

For now- a before surgery and 5 month photo of one change. You can't always see all the others.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I love your honesty. This is truly an inspirational page. I am coming to the same realization and while it is sobering, it is also hopeful. Thank you for sharing. emoticon
    1964 days ago
  • CRACKERS4554
    1965 days ago
    di ,
    i find this post inspirational in its honesty. Your sober outlook and strong determination make me feel less alone as a food addict. i appreciate you sharing.
    love from tam
    1966 days ago

    Comment edited on: 2/2/2016 7:25:54 PM
  • no profile photo CD16198436
    Thank you for sharing :)
    1968 days ago
  • KNH771
    emoticon Di!

    It was so interesting to read your post. I'll be 7 years post op in a couple of months... 7 years! It's so hard to believe.

    First, let me say that you're doing wonderful!!! You mentioned that you're having trouble with the emotional side of things... Have you considered counseling? Is there someone in your neck of the woods who specializes in WLS? I think that specialty is really important.

    It's interesting that you say you read a lot of posts from post-ops still trying to find ways to eat like they used to. Sweet substitutes and such. That makes me sad. There is no substitute, you just have to learn to say goodbye. Otherwise you end up five or ten years down the road struggling all over again. I have a group of acquaintances who started around the time I did. Some have done really well, and some have had some regain. A lot of the people with regain are looking for something external to blame. They'll never get where they need to be. If you haven't, you might try the bariatriceating.com community. They are a no BS group. No excuses allowed there. I find it helpful. They keep you accountable for your choices and behavior.
    1968 days ago
    You are an amazing lady. I am so proud to call you sister and friend.
    1968 days ago
    What a great blog - thanks for sharing!
    1968 days ago
    What a wonderful blog! Yes, it is not easy and I greatly admire you for going through this. And I must say you look fantastic. You can read the kindness in your face.
    1968 days ago
    What a difference in those pictures!

    I'm glad that you are making progress.

    Great blog!

    1968 days ago
    Love the pictures. You're amazing. I love you.
    1968 days ago
    I just had a friend who did gastric bypass in late December. She's struggling, too. It is a big adjustment.
    1968 days ago
    I was just looking at your pictures! That's a coincidence. I am happy for the new you that is emerging, but I understand losing the emotional crutches you depend on. I lost mine in a different way , but loss is loss and it takes a long time to come to terms with it.
    Congratulations on 6 months well done.
    1968 days ago
    Di I have always admired you and you have inspired me for a long time. I know this decision was not an easy one and the path you are on is not easy. I can both understand and empathize with you about being broken. I have too been dealing with nearly all my life. To see and understand what is wrong is not easy and yes it was forced on you is one fell swoop and now you are dealing with it. The aftermath not easy. But I am also so proud of you because through it all you ARE dealing with it and maybe fussing some of time but facing it and making it work.

    You are so awesome. I am glad to know you. Just keep fighting and working. Oh love the pics you are looking so good.

    Hugs and love
    1968 days ago
    You are brave and strong to share your journey. Thank you. P.S. I love your white shirt! You look really pretty.
    1968 days ago
    Wow! While I can honestly say that your path isn't mine, you look good! I've been reading a book that was recommended to me and I'll share it...full-filled by Renee Stephens. Maybe that will help you out some :)
    1968 days ago
  • JUDAH444
    Go get it
    1968 days ago
  • no profile photo WJRZEB
    You are very brave, as well as being an excellent writer! I wish you continuing success with your struggle.
    1968 days ago
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