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Again, I Feel Bad For The Comments About Me And My House

Monday, February 22, 2016

Hello, Spark community!! Again, in less than a month, I have to come back to this awesome and caring community, feeling very sad and hurt. This time is not my mother. It is my youngest daughter and that is what hurt the most, this time.

My youngest is the one that leaves in TX, the one that had the curtest baby girl, that I deeply love and care a lot about her. The one I was with her in April, for three weeks until she had her baby girl and she was a week old. The one I call almost every week and support with her baby, not minding the distance, helping her as much as I can with the rising of my lovely granddaughter.

They are coming to visit the Island (in April) for her one year birthday to present Amber to everyone, in both families, that lives in PR and do not know her yet. They are going to baptise her and celebrate her one year birthday down here with all the family that lives here.

She called me tonight and was mentioning that she was looking for a nice place to stay while being in PR. I was kind of surprise cause every time, my daughters comes to PR they stay at home with us. We have 2 more huge bedrooms and have a big house with lots of space and plenty room for everyone. So, I said, "You can stay here, with us, like usual. We are going to fix a place for little Amber and going to buy a play yard for her." And suddenly, she interrupted e and say, "I'm not staying at home. I am not bringing Amber to stay there." I was even more surprise and asked, "Why is that?" And she answered me, "Cause the house is not clean enough and not very well organize and I do not want her to be in a place like that. It brakes my heart!!!!!! :(

I do not have a castle, I know, but I have a nice house; the house they were raised in and everything went ok by that time. My house is clean and I am very honest with you all my sparklers friend, my DH and I keep cleaning all week long and my house is clean. My house is not perfectly organize cause I am a teacher and I had lots of books, papers and so many school supplies and stuff in my work room, but it is clean that is for sure. My DH is a retired engineer and he has his own books and plans, but he has his work area, too.

The room they stay in was her room as a single lady and it has stayed as she left it, but clean and organized, cause we keep it clean. We have a backyard that we clean everyday, We have a front balcony that I sweep and mop everyday and I have my plants in there and it looks cute. I do, in a corner of my balcony, have some more plastic boxes with school stuff ready to give away as soon as a teacher that wants them can make a 4 hour drive to pick them up, but as they are organized in plastic boxes (the ones that you can get at Walmart) with it covers and everything it does not bother us to keep them there until she can come to pick them up.

As I know they are coming, I bought new sheets sets, comforter set, bedspread and throw for their bed and new towel set for them and the baby that just arrived today. We contracted a company that will be cleaning the air conditioning in their room and we are planning on getting a play yard that the baby can sleep in and stay sometime, and even nap in the afternoon. We are planning to be ready and to be prepared, but she thinks the baby can not stay here cause it will not be healthy for her. I had two Labrador retrievers, one inside the house all day long with us cause he was taken from the street and raised with us cause he was hurt, when we found him. But Blacky is a very well behaved dog that likes kids. And I give him a bath every month. He smells very good and has an awesome black and shinny hair that everybody likes. Even more, they have a dog too, and my granddaughter has been raised around him. The baby learn to walk about a week ago, so she does not crawl any longer and I think Blacky wont be a problem. It hurts so much, that my house is good for my daughters but not for my grandkids that I enjoy and love so deeply.

So sorry to bother and take your time, but I have to vent cause I felt like I could not take air into my lungs. I am so, so, so sad right. Will you please comment and give me some advice and support. Thank you for giving me your time to read and to post back to me. ((((HUGS)))))) I love you all and I love SparkPeople for saving my life on 2009. Carmen
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    49 days ago
  • FOXBAY99
    I have been in a similar situation with my daughter and my son. I am not the neatest housekeeper but my house is very clean. They also object because I now live in an apartment. I am 75, walk with a walker and can not do the stairs or clean a large home anymore. Both of my children have had to adjust their attitudes. I am happy with my new apartment and when they realized that, they were happy for me. Because my children now are happy to come here, my grandchildren now think this is OK. It may take time but things have a way of working out. What is most important is what you think of yourself, your house and your life. Don't spend your time feeling sad. There is so much in life to do that I was too busy to be sad. emoticon
    1580 days ago
    This saddens me and my heart aches for you! Sending hugs and prayers, my friend!
    1618 days ago
  • no profile photo CD6913562
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    1645 days ago
  • JAJABEE1717
    On the SP "FLYbaby" team the lady who blogs about getting one's house clean and organized mentions that the need for perfectionism can get in our way. Now, I'm not referring to you but to your daughter. Certainly sounds like this is her problem. Keep cool and keep love in your heart.
    1646 days ago
    Hello! I hope your DD & GD's visit ended up going well for all involved, and you were able to spend a LOT of stress-free time with both of them. I agree with many of the comments, it could have been a "first child" feeling extra protective? There's usually a natural ebb and flow as our grown children become true adults, especially when they become parents themselves. Take care of yourself!!!
    1832 days ago
    You could choose not to be sad and rejoice that your daughter and grand daughter are coming back to PR to be introduced to extended family and share the joy filled baptism. Respond with love, help where you can and allow her to establish boundaries that you seem to have had trouble establishing with your mom and keep the door open. She will find that it's hard to find a hotel as healthy as your home; but it's something SHE needs to discover. A hotel room will not build the memories that grandma's house does. It will work out. My life experience is that sadness drives loved ones away and happiness attracts them. Be happy! Hugs.
    1980 days ago
    Carmen, others have expressed many of my thoughts. Gail struck a very important point about 'control'; first-time and/or young mothers tend to be overprotective, overly vigilant, and Major League Control Freaks. Her insensitivity is disgusting, and unbelievably immature. People often misdirect feelings of anger at a person whom they know will always love them because doing so feels "safe"... instead of directing their frustrations toward the person or situation that truly bothers them. While she may be taking out some of her own problems on you, there is no excuse for such rudeness.

    I pray that your daughter grow up into an adult (mindset) soon to realize that rudeness is inexcusable toward a parent ...or anyone. May this happen before her child is old enough to learn from the poor example.
    1983 days ago
  • no profile photo CD9166467
    I know how children can hurt their parents, and I understand how you must feel. I would help her find a place to stay, because it sounds like she's determined not to stay at your home. If this is her first baby, perhaps she's overwhelmed thinking of things that could happen to her baby if she doesn't have complete control all the time.

    Enjoy their visit, and have fun with the baby.

    1985 days ago
    Hugs and prayers. This is your daughter's problem not yours. She will come to realize her mistake some day, probably when she is older. Enjoy the time with your grand-daughter. I agree with others, enjoy the visit but don't let her being in PR control your time. You don't have to feed her, or change your plans for her. If you want to keep the new things fine if not return them. It is your home, you and your husband are comfortable no reason to change it for anyone. Hugs emoticon
    1985 days ago
    I think I would just say "Fine. It saves me work." and let her do what she wants. She will anyway. That's one of the problems of working so hard to make life easier for our children. Sometimes they forget where they came from.

    1985 days ago
    Carmen, So sorry to hear how your daughter has treated you. Sometimes our kids have no idea of the hurts they cause us. Unfortunately, I don't think you have much choice but to accept her decision and to go along with her plans to stay in a hotel. Maybe she's just a very nervous first-time mom and once she has gotten thru this first time of bringing the baby back to PR, she will relax and stay with you another time. Welcome her and enjoy your grandbaby every chance you get. Sending lots of hugs and love and prayers.
    1985 days ago
    Wow so many comments, only half. My guess from an Old Farmer of 77, might be the dogs, something in her memory might have caused fear. So sorry for the problem. Take your concerns to prayer then go with it, she is an adult and has to make her own decisions.
    Sorry for the stress.
    1985 days ago
    My heart goes out to you. It does sound like something else is up with your daughter. These situations are never easy on a parent. I know, from experience, that my children will sometimes get upset about something that makes no sense to me until finally they tell me what is going on in their hearts and heads. Often it was not what I expected. Spend as much time with your daughter and grandchild and enjoy the time. Ask God to give you supernatural wisdom and patience with this situation. We can do all things through Christ Jesus. I will be praying for you and your family. You sound like a lovely mom and grandmother. Praise God for that and your beautiful family.

    1985 days ago
    Words can def be hurtful and unfortunately can not be taken back. BUT they can be forgiven !!! Do not let words ruin your time together. You can still have a lovely visit with all the celebration of family and the baptism.

    Let go and let God take care of it dear. He knows best.

    1985 days ago
    Oh, Carmen, I am so sorry you were hurt by your daughter's words. I am sure she was just not thinking how much power her words held, to wound you.

    I feel sure that cleanliness and organization are probably not the real things that make her want to stay somewhere else. Most likely that is just an excuse, because she doesn't want to stay at home, and wants to be on her own. With no one to judge what she does, or doesn't do!

    Try to just shake it off, let her stay in a NOT help with making the arrangements, or with the cost!
    Let her know how much you have invested in buying all the baby gear. Maybe think about returning it, and mention that to her.

    But do not stress over this. It is not your issue, it is hers. emoticon emoticon
    1985 days ago
    us older people tend to have more "stuff' than the younger gen..... it is only HER opinion doesn't make it true..... I would ask what the reason was and try to determine if it is valid.
    1985 days ago
    1985 days ago
    Andrea, I think you have received many kind and wise responses. I really can't add anything more other than I really agree with the suggestion of just accepting your daughter's decision by treating her as an adult; pray and let God comfort you in your hurt. You want to enjoy your granddaughter and daughter and not rob yourself because of hurt feelings. Blessings. Joy
    1985 days ago
    if you and your husband have changed your home environment since she last visited... then I suggest you send pictures of what it looks like, and the things you have already purchased TODAY! If she is still saying she will stay elsewhere....honor that. (And let her see in person what you have changed....) Having the play yard will still be good for the hours they visit you, even if they don't stay the whole time!!

    This may be unrelated to the condition of your home...and she may not be ready to relate that information. Honor that as well.... Treating her as an adult is very important for your continued relationships....

    All new parents are (overly?) concerned about their babies...and as a grandma, you understand that....! Offer love freely, with no strings attached, and respectfully....
    All the Best!

    1985 days ago
    I would suggest that you pray for your daughter and pray for peace in your family.
    After that try to talk to her and ask what her specific concerns are.
    Is it about all the books and art supplies? the dog? baby-proofing issues? the air conditioner vents? the yard?
    Maybe if you can open up communication and tell her that you love her and your granddaughter (both!) perhaps her concerns can be put to rest.
    But maybe not.
    If she insists on staying somewhere else this trip, try to forgive her and enjoy the time you can spend with them. Maybe next trip will be different when the baby is a little older.

    I just re-read the beginning of your post, about how you give your daughter so much help by phone. Maybe you should pray for your relationship and maybe take your cue from her as to how much help she wants? I wonder if she might feel like you don't think she is as good a mother as you are? Could she be afraid you would criticize her if she were there with you with her baby? Just a thought that came to me.
    God bless you and your family.
    1985 days ago
  • no profile photo CD16070360
    Sometimes with the first child, young mothers can be very over protective. I would once again tell her that the house is spic and span, extra protection in making it safe for Amber, and that you have bought new things to make it extra special for her. I would asked that if felt uncomfortable about the dog being in the house, I would find away to keep it out for that amount of time.
    Just remind her of how much it would mean to have her home with you . However, if she says no, try not to let it stress you out to the point that you cannot enjoy them. Who knows, she may come in and stay somewhere else at first and then end up staying with you.

    Give it to the Lord in prayer; and I will be joining you too.
    1985 days ago
    I would try not to take it personally, and just try to enjoy the time you will have with your family.

    Very sorry to hear of your situation. Sending hugs and healing prayers to you.

    1986 days ago
    The baby cannot help the ignorance of your daughter. I would limit my time around my daughter. I would go to the Christening for the sake of the grand daughter. But as for my daughter, I would pull her aside and have a private chat with her and let her know that I am not a filthy house keeper, and let her know how much she upset me. Find out what her problem is with you and see if it can be settled. Remind her that you are the one raised her to her standards of cleanliness. But do it as nice as you can.
    Lots of luck.
    1986 days ago
  • no profile photo RTMEDWARDS
    It could all be spawned from the stresses of a baby. I am sure she doesn't mean to hurt your feelings or make you sad, she's probably trying to take in all the overwhelming advice etc that u hear when you have children. So sorry to hear.
    1986 days ago
    The baby cannot help the ignorance of your daughter. I would limit my time around my daughter. I would go to the Christening for the sake of the grand daughter. But as for my daughter, I would pull her aside and have a private chat with her and let her know that I am not a filthy house keeper, and let her know how much she upset me. Find out what her problem is with you and see if it can be settled. Remind her that you are the one who raised her to her standards of cleanliness. But do it as nice as you can.
    Lots of luck.
    1986 days ago

    Comment edited on: 2/22/2016 9:17:52 PM
    1st I send you Hugs & Prayers.
    As a mother, also, of adult children.....I cannot offer advice. I will say something cliche, but true. If you love them, let them go.
    The sunny side, for you... you don't have to clean & cook & jump to their every need. Send the new sheets back.
    You'll get to visit with them, but none of the drama.
    Don't allow them to control you. That's what she's doing. Love them, with all your heart. Don't let them break your heart.
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    1986 days ago
    Have you also prayed about this. Sometimes only by giving this to God will solve a problem, in God's time and will. He cares and loves you, and desires what is best or you.
    1986 days ago
    AS I said on the other post, I am so sorry to hear this and wish I could offer you a solution. But hugs and prayers.
    1986 days ago
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