I hit the wall this week, that impossible brick wall, that STOP’S you in your tracks.. For 8 months I’ve been successfully climbing this mountain called obesity, gluttony AND WINNING; however, I hit a muddy slippery slope three-fourth of the way up that caught me off guard, slipping and sliding since Friday.. I can’t seem to get a footing, I need some cleats for my shoes.
OK, time for self-examination of what’s really going on.. My emotions came under attack on Friday when they tested me for dialyzes and a few other things [but, that word dialyzes freaked me out] and I felt overwhelmed with fear and depression hit, it’s like being told the 90 lbs off was nothing .. Thoughts of, “I’ll never be healthy” hit me hard.. Yes, it was only a blood test [duh]! Stupid thinking on my part, but non the less it hit me with a lot of fear and made me give into these feelings of loss [hopelessness]. Then after talking to my NP about my husband and I both being sick, I told her about his leg being swollen this past week and she wanted to see him right away. Well, long story short.. they found two blood clots in his right leg and it turned into the longest day of scheduling appointments and running back and forth and things have not slowed down.. at least not mentally for me. I’ve been deeply depressed, very emotional.. by Friday night I realized we had not eaten anything all day so we grabbed what we could find on the run [fast food] which was too good and should have sent up red flags and warning bells for I felt my taste buds and emotions delight in the taste. But, I made it through that day within my boundaries ..
Skipping ahead I will not bore you with details of my week; it’s enough to say that I discovered something about myself; my boundaries are weaker than I thought, I thought they were really strong since discovering Spark people [SP is an excellent program] I love tracking my food, it’s made weight loss the easiest it’s ever been for me; however, my boundaries are weak [almost non existent next to my emotions]. As I’ve moved through these past 7 days I’ve seen myself start each day off with good intentions but the more I get caught up in my emotions and the stresses of the day, the more I’ve been drawn to cross over my boundaries and give into nibbling and that has moved me into eating what I want without weighing and measuring everything. Plus, people have been bringing meals for us and how do I count THOSE THINGS? so there’s another excuse! I share this not to be defeated; but, to share how I’ve discovered I am not eating because I’m hungry but my emotions are feeding me [telling me when to eat] .. It’s a curious thing to find myself reaching for something because I’m weepy or when the fear hits, I reach for the bread? It’s a wake up call to realize that, this is how I ended up so big.. I let my emotions run the show and the weight loss has been good when I’m happy or carefree.
I’m seeing that fear is one of those emotions I can’t seem to control on my own, it eats me up if I don’t turn to God quick enough and of course I don’t.. being hindered with other distractions it’s easier to grab the loaf of bread on the run. I know it’s time to step it up and apply what I’ve been learning.. First, that failure is a time for renewing my mind [my commitment] and 2nd, kicking this idea to the curb this idea that my emotions are in control.. That really makes me mad to see that in myself. My emotions should not be in control of my boundaries; in fact, reflecting back.. I think it’s why the weight comes off slower some weeks.. I truly am being controlled by my emotions and not yielding myself to God when I should, we are to be governed by HIS Spirit, not our emotions. The Bible says, “bringing every thought captive to the Lord!” (And are not our emotions our thoughts too?) This is not about reaching goal, or saving life.. this is about serving God with every part of me… I am going to climb over this hurtle with Gods help, HE’S brought us to this time in our lives and I have to trust Him to carry me over these slippery slopes. However, isn’t it interesting that I see a new weakness? that my success or un-seccessfulness depends on my emotions? I’m in shock that my emotions play a bigger role than GOD or the SP boundaries.. I find this disturbing, surreal, and appalling.. Talk about your grief’s to bear, I really do need to carry this to the Lord!