How did I get here and why I refuse to let go....

Thursday, June 09, 2016

I have been your typical success story, I set my mind to losing weight in 2007 and I did it. I used SP faithfully and it worked for me. Here I am 8 years later totally frustrated with my life and desperately trying to figure out just why and how to get myself up and running again... Literally!! I know what it is, it is fear and looking back on my pasts blogs I see the pattern of the same struggle, being so tremendously hard on myself. If I do good, I want better and if I do better I want even more better, it's never enough and honestly it is driving me crazy.

How did I get here, well I've gained 30lbs back of my original 85lbs lost and I although I am trying to stay body positive, this is not where I would like to be. I feel heavy and tired most of the time. I have to wear stretchy pants and constantly beat myself up when it comes to eating. I say today is going to be different, I start off with a green smoothie and end up eating a cheeseburger and large fries at the end of the day. I am so tired and being a past motivator, no one else but me can say that I know I am lacking decision. When I try to visualize me at 175lbs something in my mind just tells me it's never going to happen. When did I become this way? Have I just accepted that I will be this weight forever or have I accepted that somehow I do not feel I deserve to live a life in where I am finally at peace with my weight? There is definitely more to my problem then just the overeating. I know it's deep's called FEAR! At times I want to cry with frustration because I know what I need to do to lose the weight, I also know what is stopping me from losing it. I just can't seem to figure out why exactly I keep allowing it to happen. I am unhappy and tired of always accepting less in my life all because I feel like it is bad to want more. I know my potential, I know I am strong. I don't want to die and always have the desire to be healed and whole. I don't want to die and never have faced this problem and had resolution to it once and for all!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    You can beat yourself only a little bit - just enough to get you going, not enough to make you miserable and ready to give up.

    It's a constant struggle to not gain, and it's frustrating. But you know what I've learned? Thin people go through this too! I have a friend who has always been thin, as far as I knew her. Turns out that when her jeans get tight, she eats just salads for lunch and dinner, until her jeans are comfortable again. Doesn't stress over it. Doesn't beat herself up over it. She just eats what she knows is lower calorie meals until she's back to where she wants to be.

    Not as easy for me, I want more food that salad at two meals a day. But once I realized that even thin people pay attention to their food and their size, it kind of made it easier for me to stay attentive. Knowing it isn't just chubby me doing this made is easier.

    Hope that helps you!
    1835 days ago
    Ive been where you are at right now. I know where you are coming from at a visceral level. Please do not give up hope. Feel free to email me.
    1835 days ago
    I've been there too. All we can do is pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and get back on track. But our past experiences can help us learn what does and doesn't work, and what the warning signs are.
    1835 days ago
    I did sparks about 6 years ago and lost 100 . Fast forward and I'm back up 37 lbs . I've had some medical issues but that's just part of my excuse . Lol All we can do is recognize that we need help and get back too it I guess .
    1835 days ago
    Don't beat yourself up. You can do this, just make some little changes that don't feel like that dirty word "diet". I found a book, " The Beck Diet Solution" very helpful. It's a cognitive behavioral approach, changing how we relate to food.
    1835 days ago
    Wow for a second I thought I wrote this, except instead of 85 pounds, it was only 20, and I gained almost all of it back in 2 years. But the past is the past, and all we can do now is focus on the future and let go of the past. Just never give up :)
    1835 days ago
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    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.

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