Just posted on my daily Meditation and Mindfulness Team and felt overcome with a sense of gratitude for all I learn on a daily basis and the joy and understanding this year has given me.
Spark People take care of my bodily needs and I am so grateful they are here and I have made so many real friends - on line. Those who I care about and those who care about me.
I am grateful for Meditation and Mindfulness which is leading me into new areas of life that were beyond my understanding. It is only the last three years I have started meditating consistently.
Anyone having read my blogs over the years will know more or less where I have come from and who I am. Learning to share who I really am without guilt or fear has been a major part of recovering to where I am today.
Many years have been spent working through the depression, addiction, abuse, guilt and shame that have made up my life. Over the years there have been many places of new discoveries and joy at finding new understandings that have brought me closer to finding a place of peace and belonging in the world.
Just recently I had a major experience in my life where I realised - actually realised - deep inside me that I am not worthless and do not deserve to be treated, or to treat myself as if I am somehow defective and deserving of being used by others to fulfil their own needs.Nor do I need to use others to fulfill my own needs.
This last couple of years I have been part of another 12 step fellowship - there have been several over the years - each dealing with addictions of body and mind, each one helping me to overcome the difficulties in my life. Each of the groups has been so helpful in its specific area and I needed each to prepare me for what I am now learning. Each has been exactly the right place, almost like a series of schools. And I am still there - for me learning is a life long process, not planning on graduating any time. I am so grateful that once again The One who leads, when asked, has brought me to where I need to be.
This Christmas has been really special for me because I have seen and also been able to actually do something I have needed to do for a very many years and yet was unable to do, because feelings of inferiority, guilt, fear and neediness kept bound. It is only since I have 'broken the chains' realisation is dawning on what has now happened. Freedom.
Some people talk of the chains that bind us being of our own making and that we keep ourselves enslaved. For the first time I am understanding this. I have been like a bird in a cage that thought this cage was home. Someone opened the door and I was still unable to go out because of fear of losing the safety of the cage. Now that pain forced me to out of the cage, it is clear to see the bars were of my own making. While I was in there I couldn't even see the bars.
This joy of feeling free and equal is like having dropped a great load of parcels that have been weighing me down. I have been playing God and trying to rescue others from their pain - now I see clearly that no one can rescue anyone from anything. We each have to do that with whatever resources are given us. It is so amazing to discover that I am not responsible for what other people do or say - it even seems strange saying this, but I really was only able to judge myself as other people saw me. So I was constantly trying to do what other people thought was the right thing. Somehow I have found that who I am is already inside me - and what others may or may not think about me is only from their perspective. I must have read similar words to these many times, now the realisation of meaning of the words has come.
I do not experience pain of various kinds because I am bad as I had believed but more along the lines of pain being my greatest teacher in learning how to live life here and each lesson leads to more freedom.
As always, each day is a new day. I have no idea what tomorrow or next week, or next year might hold.
Today I am at peace and thankful to God for all those who share this journey and fill my heart with joy.
Blessings and a wonderful holiday season to everyone.
Jennifer aka Wispy