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Sunday, April 23, 2017

I can always tell if I'm in a positive or negative frame of mind by the thoughts that form in my head. It seems that lately . . . I'm not exactly sure how long this has been . . . my thoughts have tended to favor the negative variety. I'm still in the 'trying to figure out what's wrong' phase so it hadn't occurred to me that I have a choice in what I focus my mind on, be it thoughts of gratitude or negativity. It wasn't all that long ago that I was blogging 10 things a day that I was grateful for. I wasn't negative then. Quite the opposite. And then I stopped blogging.

I can't say I'm depressed. I'm more than familiar with what that feels like and this isn't it. But I'm not happy. Not even content. I've lost interest in food. I ask myself if it's the 25 pounds I gained and can't seem to shake off. I have a lot of 'I don't care' thoughts. They pop into my head regularly. Is it the fact that I stopped sitting under my 'happy lamp' once the days started getting longer and I thought it was time to get my Vitamin D from the actual sun? Did I stop too early?

I've experienced a number of losses over the past 5 months. I quit delivering flyers when the winter hit. I'd done that job for 22 years but it had become too hard for my body. That was a loss of identity for me; I was no longer The Flyer Lady.

My adult daughter and I have had a tumultuous relationship over the past 8 years. The abuse was emotionally damaging and I was not sorry when she moved in with her boyfriend last April.
Although I relished the absence of so much stress and emotional pain it was still a loss to no longer be an Active Parent. Something very ugly happened on my birthday in late January and as a result I considered myself to be divorced from my daughter. It was difficult initially but after a while I found that I rarely even thought about her. Not necessarily a healthy way of coping but nonetheless, it did help me cope with the pain.

A few weeks back I lost a very significant online friend, someone I had grown connected to over a 5 year period of almost daily support. It's true what they say, "You don't know what you have until it's gone." My initial reaction was one of shock, denial . . . and once the reality sunk in, I felt gutted. This was so unexpected. What did he die from? How could this have happened? How does one mourn the passing of an online friend? Can't even look up the obituary because I never knew his last name. When his son notified us of 'Richard's passing' I asked myself, Who's Richard? Those of us on MFP knew him as Ricktheexpreacher. Although I am a believer, it brings me little comfort to think that Rick is in a better place. I don't know how to grieve properly. I've never dealt with death in a healthy fashion. As a 10 year old child, when I learned that my elderly father was not coming home from the hospital, I put my fist through the wall. Losing Rick is huge. I know it's playing a significant role in how I've been feeling lately.

A few things I've read on this site today have reminded me that I have a choice in whether or not I stay stuck or make a conscious decision to move forward, to focus on the things for which I am grateful. And then there's this one: Sometimes you are delayed where you are because GOD knows there's a STORM where you're headed. BE GRATEFUL.

I guess the bottom line for me is, I simply don't know if I'm at a place in time where I'm meant to stay stuck or if it is time for me to once again choose happiness . And if I choose happiness will I be able to pull myself out of this slump.

I'd appreciate any thoughts you might have. THANK YOU for reading.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I am sorry about your loss. It is hard on the body and mind when you are in a relationship with family that causes so much tension. I have a few difficulties myself in that area. Through all of this ,you are sounding positive and on the right track. It is ok to feel down. You just lost a friend. I know all my SP friends are online and yet, they are my friends. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1414 days ago
    I too have had a split with my daughter. I know we both love each other, but it is more about, when we are together, we seem to push each other's buttons. I don't know why, but we seem to think it is okay to say to our family what we would not say to other people. I told my kids that they can say anything to me they want to, but I will not allow them to cuss at me and I expect them to listen to me when I offer my reasoning for what they don't like about me.

    I have an online friend that I feel is dying. He too is a preacher. Our relationship online was talking about how God had blessed us and our families. His blood pressure goes very low and he gets sick at his stomach.

    Grief is something that there is no time limit on. It is not something that you get over, but you learn to live with it. As 1CRAZYDOG said, it affects our heart. What I think is, we need to be careful that we don't die with the person that died or get stuck there and not be able to function. Routines help me and though I go through the motions, often with my mind elsewhere, I keep going.


    A old man’s description of grief – must read. - Tickld
    1517 days ago

    Comment edited on: 4/27/2017 8:47:04 PM
    Sending you positive thoughts and prayers going up for you as well.
    I would like to suggest reading "Simple Abundance".
    Each day's reading is only about a page which is sometimes all I can handle.
    It has been helpful for me at a couple of points in my life and its encouragement to
    journal your gratitude has worked very well.
    1520 days ago
    I am sorry for your is tough, this grief thing. It seems to come and go. Just about the time you think your getting through it., a memory will crop up and it starts all over again.I hope you find a way to deal with it works for you..i have had to deal with grief in my lifetime also..They say writing a letter to the person helps to get those feelings out.. I wish you well.. hugs
    1520 days ago
    I am so very sorry for your loss. I know the pain you feel and although I can't put my arms around you to hug you in person, I am sending you a virtual hug and my understanding of what you are going through.
    I do hope that you can find a way back to having a happy life. I am doing my best at finding my way back. Maybe we can gain momentum through each others strengths to get back to being happy.

    Big Hugs Susan emoticon

    1520 days ago
    I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your online friend. I know how precious online friends can be. Give yourself some time. Grief is not something you can get over overnight. I'm sorry about the situation with your daughter, too, but it sounds like your life might be less stressful right now without her.
    Sending big comforting virtual hugs your way. Take care.
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1521 days ago
    You have had several blows in the last little while and I have no doubt that has affected you deeply and will take time to "get over." Several of your friends here have given you some hints and expressed sympathy and I extend sympathy and send hugs your way. (Using the "feel good" lamp is likely a good idea)

    You wrote:

    "I guess the bottom line for me is, I simply don't know if I'm at a place in time where I'm meant to stay stuck or if it is time for me to once again choose happiness . And if I choose happiness will I be able to pull myself out of this slump."

    We all have choices and ultimately the choice is yours as to where you want to be. I don't believe in "meant to stay stuck" or God delays us in moving ahead. I believe He is a loving God who wants the best for us and will help us through whatever it is that we must face.

    Having said all that, I ask you---Do you like where you are at the present time or are you going to choose happiness? Will you be able to pull yourself out of this slump? Of course you can - put your hand in God's hand and he will help you along.

    1521 days ago
  • -POOKIE-
    There is no set way to deal with grief. I know it sounds a little silly... but if you don't know how to grieve, try looking for suggestions to help deal with it online, see which things might be able to help you or not. It's all so personal and it won't all apply but it might help you find a point to begin from.

    Family problems are so difficult, my Mum did something I found unbelievable a couple years ago which has permanently affected our relationship and how I allow her to interact with my daughter. What I mean here is that we don't make these decisions lightly and if we have come to that decision, it must be for real reasons.

    Why not try finding your gratitude blogs again, even finding a couple of things might be a brightener to your day, they where beautiful blogs, so thoughtful and a reminder to us all to appreciate the little things.
    1521 days ago
    May you've certainly had a lot to deal with and all you've mentioned have caused you to stop and ponder.
    Life has a nasty habit of kicking us when we're down and it's how we get back up that matters.
    I recall some deep slumps in my life, occasionally even when things were going well I'd wonder what lay ahead to scupper the good time I was having.
    Joy has the right idea, slowly focus on the positives and you'll find life will get better. Maybe, as you seem to miss your leaflet job, some voluntary work or join a club for a night out. But do it at your pace- don't force it.
    I would even suggest, if things don't improve, going to your doctor in case there is an underlying cause of you feeling down such as anaemia.
    Love and hugs to you, baby steps emoticon
    1521 days ago
    That's a lot of change and loss in the past year and I think all the things you mentioned contribute to it. You may have to fake it until you make it but you can pull yourself through it. Going back to your gratitude list and happy lamp are positive things you can do. Years ago I went through a rough patch like that. I listened to uplifting music, got outside as much as I could and walked, walked, walked! I made myself accept invitations whether I felt like going out or not and it's when I started a "Time for Joy" email that I still send out every morning with a positive message. Just looking up things to put in it helped get my mind on a more positive path. I also journaled, there were things I just couldn't talk to anyone about and the journaling helped me a lot! Be kind to yourself and take your mind to nice places, your mood will follow. Not instantly, but over time. You can't rush grieving but you can get through it. Hugs.
    1521 days ago
    So sorry for your losses and that you are feeling down. Take it one step at a time, one day at a time. We are here for you.
    1521 days ago
  • D86917
    Sorry for your loss of a friend but yes you can choose happiness. I myself are battling alot of emotional stress but bound and determined to overcome. We can do it!
    1521 days ago
    You have been hit with quite a few blows to make you feel sad. I'm glad to hear you don't feel it's depression. Everyone feels sad at some point, things happen that we can't control. Think about the good memories you had with your friend. I hope that tomorrow you will feel better, and just know that your Spark friends are always here for you. emoticon
    1521 days ago
  • BLUEJAY1969
    Oh sweetie I'm so sorry for your loss! I have a couple of online friends that I am so very close to it would hurt me so badly to lose them. All I can tell you is that I was in a severe depression and I started to count the blessings in the stress and the mess. Once I did that things became easier - slowly but they did become easier. I hope this can in some way help you out even a little.

    1521 days ago
    so sorry for the loss of your friend. That is tough. But on-line or not, it affects our heart.

    And sorry too about your tumultuous relationship w/your DD. It is sad, but sometimes it is best to be apart, at least for a while. It is hard.

    HUGS my dear.
    1521 days ago
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