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The REAL Birds and the Bees

Thursday, March 15, 2018

I have been on and off sick for the past few months. I have a really healthy week, and then bam, I am sick again. I have different symptoms each time, so it makes absolutely no sense. Plus I had a flu shot. Any needle that breaches my skin should cover me for every illness I am exposed to for at least 4 months, 8 days, 3 hours, 17 minutes, and 55.7342111 seconds. Let me tell you, being sick is getting so annoying. It reaches the pinnacle of annoyingness when the husband starts badgering me about going to see a doctor. He just doesn’t understand that being in a highly populated region you have to preplan your illnesses several months in advance in order to get in to see a doctor. Plus they have scales there. Evil soul-sucking scales.

Really this blog isn’t about me whining or trying to garner any kind of sympathy. Although I am not opposed to sympathy… What this blog is supposed to be about is the realization that when my mother explained the birds and the bees to me, all of her charts and diagrams left out the most important part: Men and women are different. I am not talking “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus” different. I am talking “Men Are Not From the Same Galaxy, and I Highly Doubt They Are From the Same Species” different. I don’t need proof of alien life forms. Men are proof enough. Area 51 isn’t some secret government alien testing facility in the middle of the desert. It is a secret government giant man-cave where the aliens, aka men, go to hang out.

Don’t believe me? Picture this: Me, curled up in a fetal position in bed with a temperature and a killer headache. My sons are going to go get Taco Bell…alien food, need I say more? I request, by text so there can be no misunderstanding, applesauce and ready-made Jello. They arrive home with no applesauce, powdered Jello mix, and beer. Dudes, really? Freaky Aliens.

Husband takes pity on me, or he just wants to get away from my whimpering. He goes to the store and comes home with applesauce, refrigerated Jello, and refrigerated pudding. Thought of pudding makes me want to heave, but Jello and applesauce? Oh yeah. He doesn’t bring a spoon. After all, aliens probably don’t need spoons to consume Jello and applesauce. I text Alien#2 because he is generally more reliable than the other two. Alien#2 not only brought a spoon, but napkins too. He must be studying up on humans and the tools they use in their culture.

Next morning I crawl out of bed and drag myself downstairs. Leaning against the wall for support as I descend the stairs, I can honestly say for once I smell worse than the dog. I glance in the dining room. Applesauce, refrigerated Jello and refrigerated pudding are sitting out on the dining room table. Throw pudding and Jello in the garbage because a little ingestion of Salmonella is not going to make me feel better at this point. Mention to husband later in the day that I had to throw out Jello and pudding. His response, “But the applesauce didn’t need to be refrigerated, why should the others?” Let’s see. Applesauce came from a non-refrigerated shelf. Jello and pudding came from refrigerated section. Jello and pudding are clearly labeled “Keep Refrigerated”. Yes, I know the containers look similar. Humans can be so confusing to men. Freaky Alien.

***To all my male Spark friends, you know this is all said in jest. Really it doesn’t need to be an agenda item at your next Area 51 club meeting…***

Until next time. Be Safe. Be Strong. Be Healthy. Keep Sparking!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I hope all this misery is way in the past and that you are now feeling your old chipper self.


    966 days ago
    1111 days ago
    You are hilarious! Lots of truth in that humor emoticon Hope this passes and you start feeling better.
    1113 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon

    You poor thing. They're probably performing experiments on you in the middle of the night! Seriously though, first day it hits 50 open the bedroom Windows to air it out, have DH strip the bed, spray Lysol everywhere, and then remake bed with fresh linens.

    Oh, and GO TO THE DOCTOR.
    1124 days ago
    Sick or not, humor is definitely the best way to maneuver these alien encounters.
    Hope you're feeling better.

    1124 days ago
    You made me Laugh Out Loud even when you are sick. Leaving jello and pudding out!! What were they thinking - obviously they weren't. I wish I could came and bring you some care for this galaxy. When I'm sick,
    I crave my mother's bread pudding. It is more like a custard and baked in a water bath. Basically, bread, milk, eggs, vanilla, sugar - but you need your energy. Let me know if you're interested. Take care!! emoticon emoticon
    1129 days ago
  • SPICY23
    This is too funny.

    FYI to GLORIAZ: DH is 59 and still waiting for maturity. All the DSs have grown up and now exceed him in functional years, though not necessarily 'mature'. DD has them all beat and she is the youngest, just as you'd predict.

    Enjoyed the chuckle.

    Peace and Care
    1129 days ago
    I totally agree with you about men! I previously thought they didn’t mature until 30 but I have increased that number. So sorry you aren’t feeling well........probiotics work for me, but everyone is different. Stay safe....our forecast is 12 to 18 inches of snow.............first day of Spring! emoticon
    1129 days ago
    I am so sorry to read you are still sick and have had so many consecutive illnesses. I think I mentioned in your feed that a friend of mine had the same thing happen. Her kids are younger (youngest in K) so she is exposed to everything, but she doesn't usually get sick so often. All 3 illnesses were very different and she had health for a few days in between.

    Breaks my heart to think of the jello, etc left out. You desperately need these things when so sick and unable to tolerate much and it's like dangling it in front of your face and taking it away. Sorry they were so clueless. I find I have to spell out exactly what I need and be clear with all directions too.

    Get well soon!!!

    1131 days ago
    OMG! Being sick hasn't affected your sense of humor!!! Thanks for the grins. I hope you are feeling better soon.
    1131 days ago
    All of my sympathies go out to you. At least I only have the one alien to deal with. Sending hugs for a speedy recovery.
    1131 days ago
    Lol! These little aliens of ours try, but processing more than one thing at a time is so difficult. I would have had to write the list and then explain it before he left. Yes, Honey, cooked pudding is the kind that's cooked. It'll say cooked on the package. No, instant is not cooked. You'll find it in the refrigerator section. Before purchases were made, I would receive no less than five phone calls about the three things on the list, and another one to let me know he was on the way home. He would then walk in quietly because he didn't want to wake me. Like I could have found time to sleep between the six phone calls he made in the fifteen minutes he was gone. His intentions are good though, and they do love us so much and want to take care of us. I hope you're better soon. I've been battling this bug for a week. Yuck! Just want to feel better! I'm sure you're in agreement. emoticon emoticon
    1132 days ago
  • BJAEGER307
    As I am sitting here coughing, sneezing, have a headache, my insides hurt from coughing, Kleenex hanging out of my nose to stop the dripping, I can say I truly understand. Hubby has "tried" to help, but I'd rather he did not as me feeling miserable, I hate having to do over what he did.

    So life goes on. I truly understand. emoticon Thanks for putting a bit of humor on the thinking of men. emoticon
    1133 days ago

    Comment edited on: 3/16/2018 6:40:07 PM
    you gave me a smile and a laugh sorry under the weather emoticon emoticon

    emoticon emoticon
    1133 days ago
    Oh Julia.............You have hit it right on the head!!!!! The men in my household are truly Aliens. Two of them don't live here anymore, but as my DH ages, he is quickly becoming a 3-in-one package. He has taken on some of the habits of our 2 sons. I have to give credit where credit is due and comment on the fact that he is a great cook, but cleaning up has a totally different meaning to both of us. To solve this, we have developed ..... "If you cook, you don't clean up." So, every other day the kitchen looks great.

    As for illnesses, NO ONE IS EVER SICKER THAN A MAN!!! I am sure that you already know this.

    If you ever get really sick of your present could be a comedy writer and you do have very definite Erma Bombeck qualities. emoticon
    1134 days ago

    Comment edited on: 3/15/2018 11:20:19 PM
    I love your humor, Julia Bombeck! The friendly aliens perhaps had heard of a folk remedy combining powdered jello and beer?? Are you feeling any better? Do hope so! emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1134 days ago
  • no profile photo CD17989942
    Oh Julia, you will never know how much I miss your wit.....well, maybe you do cause I tell you all the hope you feel better soon and the aliens do better grocery store runs...when I read the title my thoughts jumped to a pregnancy announcement....please don't faint on me...huge hugs, Kim
    1134 days ago
    OMG Julia,

    Sick and still an awesome sense of humor - I hope that means you are feeling better!

    Men are from a different planet - even my DH says he's from a different planet when the crazies hit the news, internet and any other public forum.

    Wishing you good health good weather and normal people to surround you even if it is for only a minute!

    emoticon and emoticon

    1134 days ago
    So very sorry to hear you have been fighting the battle of the bugs. And your males are immune or something, or perhaps carriers? They are the ones usually moaning and groaning and feeling like they are going to die when sick. Women are made of stronger stuff, as you no doubt are.
    I have never heard of ready made refrigerated Jello. Really? Fridge pudding? Only have seen these on shelves. I used to like jello made with fruit. But now I realise its just sugar water with a minute amount of gelatin thrown in. Bugs like sugar. Just saying. I always have unsweetened applesauce on hand for a snack.
    I have heard on my many health summits high dose vitamin C while sick helps you recover faster and regular Vit C when not can help ward off the nasties. I have had people hacking all around me, but I never get sick. Not one cold. ever. Flu once, as a kid. I don't bother with the shot as there are worse things in there I would rather not have injected.
    I think you need to be in a different location during sick season. Somewhere warm to fry the bugs out.
    emoticon emoticon
    1134 days ago
    Where do I find this jest thing, looked everywhere and see no directions, WOW, do I need a women around or what! 😅 In a serious note, he, meaning husband has been around a women 60 years like yours truly, I've just about learned everything but still bought the wrong milk yesterday, but did remember to put in refrigerator, who knew there was 4 or more different kinds. You get better soon, your family needs you! The Pest, the Skeeter
    1134 days ago
    emoticon emoticon
    1134 days ago
    OMG! no applesauce, powdered Jell-o mix and BEER! Definitely Dude-veille thinking. **SIGH**

    Glad at least hubs came thru w/the Jell-o pre-made and the applesauce. NO SPOON! **SIGH** Glad DS took up the slack on that one and added in the napkin.

    NOOOOOOoooo! The applesauce, Jell-o meant for the fridge and the puddings are NOT in the fridge! OMGOMGOMG

    My dear, that's why women go to Heaven . . . .. Always. Heaven definited as a place where there is warmth, beaches, banana boys (NOT of the alien species) and massages. Definitely. My brain wants to believe this is so.

    Hope you're feeling better.
    1134 days ago
    Maybe you should wear a foiled hat.... emoticon at least while until you feel better emoticon I hope you kick whatever it is back to area 51. So glad aliens didn't rid you of your humor, I so much enjoy it. emoticon
    1134 days ago
    Oh no, Alien Invasion. Hope you feel better soon.
    1134 days ago
    Oh my... you have been invaded by aliens emoticon

    And I do send lots of sympathy and hope that you will feel better real soon!! emoticon
    1134 days ago
    I can so totally relate! I think you may be on to something about them being aliens. Yesterday afternoon, out of absolutely nowhere, I became quite ill - very sick to my stomach. So much so that I actually went to lie down - which did nothing to make me feel better. Yet my DH asks "what's for dinner tonight". Seriously, I don't know if I should even EAT dinner let alone make it. Thankfully the overwhelming wave of nauseousness, I prepared a simple egg dish which I thought might feel good, and felt a little bit better after I age. Than the biggest surprise of all - HE did the dishes. Just when you think you have them figured out!! emoticon
    1134 days ago
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