Going all in
Monday, March 19, 2018
I have been slowly coming to the realization that I have been holding back on this journey. Afraid to go all in, guns blazing. My mind says I want to lose weight, my body definitely communicates that it is way past time, so why the hesitation?
What purpose does walking around in this fat suit serve?
I can only partially verbalize what is rolling around inside.
First, I have nearly always been heavier than I should have been. I don't know what it would be like to be at a normal weight. The few minutes I was near normal weight are a blur and I don't remember what it was like.
Second, and probably related to the first, I have always had a self-esteem problem. I think that is less the case now that at any time in my life, but still, there is that to consider.
Third, my parents were heavy and were probably emotional eaters. Me too.
Fourth, I have had my share of hurts, disappointments, failures. Probably no worse than anyone else, but I have a "perfectionist" streak, that probably turned those into way bigger problems than they should have been.
I don't think of myself as a negative person, but maybe I am when I talk to myself. Maybe I hold back because I think I might fail, again. And regain the weight, again. That I'll have to renegotiate everything that I know about myself, that I may not know who I am without the fat suit.
Like I said, I haven't gotten a full grip on what is percolating on the inside. But maybe I don't need to figure that out. Maybe I just need to throw all that "stuff" aside and act like this time is THE TIME. This time I will reach the end of this particular journey.
It's scary letting go of the status quo. Just typing that statement, and all that it means scares me, but I'm going to try. So, at the risk of actually losing the fat suit, I'm going to make a start at going 100%.
For the sake of accountability, that means:
1.) I'm going to be more active in my Spark groups.
2.) I'm going to blog once a week.
3.) I'm going to stop fooling myself that eating junk is ok, as long as I log it and stay within my calorie range.
4.) I'm going to continue my battle with sodium and with Diet Coke.
5.) I'm going to incorporate new classes, equipment and or training routines at the gym.
6.) And as Pele would tell me, I'm going to find the warrior within and let her ROAR.
I think that's enough to start.