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Going all in

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Monday, March 19, 2018

I have been slowly coming to the realization that I have been holding back on this journey. Afraid to go all in, guns blazing. My mind says I want to lose weight, my body definitely communicates that it is way past time, so why the hesitation?

What purpose does walking around in this fat suit serve?

I can only partially verbalize what is rolling around inside.

First, I have nearly always been heavier than I should have been. I don't know what it would be like to be at a normal weight. The few minutes I was near normal weight are a blur and I don't remember what it was like.

Second, and probably related to the first, I have always had a self-esteem problem. I think that is less the case now that at any time in my life, but still, there is that to consider.

Third, my parents were heavy and were probably emotional eaters. Me too.

Fourth, I have had my share of hurts, disappointments, failures. Probably no worse than anyone else, but I have a "perfectionist" streak, that probably turned those into way bigger problems than they should have been.

I don't think of myself as a negative person, but maybe I am when I talk to myself. Maybe I hold back because I think I might fail, again. And regain the weight, again. That I'll have to renegotiate everything that I know about myself, that I may not know who I am without the fat suit.

Like I said, I haven't gotten a full grip on what is percolating on the inside. But maybe I don't need to figure that out. Maybe I just need to throw all that "stuff" aside and act like this time is THE TIME. This time I will reach the end of this particular journey.

It's scary letting go of the status quo. Just typing that statement, and all that it means scares me, but I'm going to try. So, at the risk of actually losing the fat suit, I'm going to make a start at going 100%.

For the sake of accountability, that means:

1.) I'm going to be more active in my Spark groups.
2.) I'm going to blog once a week.
3.) I'm going to stop fooling myself that eating junk is ok, as long as I log it and stay within my calorie range.
4.) I'm going to continue my battle with sodium and with Diet Coke.
5.) I'm going to incorporate new classes, equipment and or training routines at the gym.
6.) And as Pele would tell me, I'm going to find the warrior within and let her ROAR.

I think that's enough to start.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • no profile photo CD10676776
    emoticon on your Voted Featured Blog Post! emoticon emoticon emoticon Press on, Push forward, Spark ON!
    1212 days ago
    Great blog. You've gained a lot of insight into your reasons 'why'. Good plan. You can do this!!! Keep on keeping on.

    1220 days ago
    Roar Warrior Roar,

    I set a goal this year, which was to concentrate on my health for one year less a day and to see what would happen if I don't give up. I have tried this journey many times and failed, like many. This is my last time, win or lose.

    Perhaps it would help you to focus on small goals and forget about the big picture so that it doesn't overwhelm you??? I find celebrating small goals boosts my motivation and makes me feel good about myself.

    Whatever you decide, I wish you much success.
    1222 days ago
  • AMBER461
    Great plan you can do it.
    1223 days ago
  • no profile photo BONDMANUS2002
    1223 days ago
  • CLARE1952
    Awesome blog!
    An exact replica to my thoughts and struggles. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

    Here is a little pep talk.

    YOU GO GIRL. Go and DON'T give up until you get there! Sparker Beth Donovan blogged about never giving up on your dreams. So what if you stall or gain a bit sometimes, we make mistakes and sometimes we lose the plot. We learn from the mistakes and deviations and can come through stronger. Determination strengthens like a muscle does, the more we use it.

    Keep your dreams to centrefront of where you are headed, like a homing device, and march ever onward. YOU CAN DO THIS! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1223 days ago

    Comment edited on: 3/21/2018 9:34:17 PM
    Great plan! You got this!

    1224 days ago
  • no profile photo CHRISTOPHER63
    1224 days ago
    Very encouraging blog! Sounds like you have a great plan. I am on week two of being serious on my journey and am learning to eat and live a healthy lifestyle.Good luck!
    1224 days ago
    Thanks for sharing...I can relate on many levels!! You've got this!! emoticon
    1224 days ago
    Wishing you a great Journey ahead emoticon emoticon
    1224 days ago
  • no profile photo CD4994568
    Great goals! You can do this!
    1224 days ago
  • no profile photo LAH1222
    You can do it.
    1224 days ago
    Don't think about reaching the end of the journey, just take it day by day and DON'T GIVE UP. If you reach a plateau along the way, just think of it as practice for maintenance. I've maintained a 50 pound loss for 14 years now, and the journey never really ends; it just continues as I learn how to maintain the loss and tweak my program to support my health. I'm confident that you can succeed!
    1224 days ago
  • JIBBIE49
    1224 days ago
    It seems like a great plan. When I began with sparkpeople I had already determined that I did not want to fail once again in losing weight. I could not face another failure! After checking out some of the different articles on nutrition and fitness I said OKAY! I know nothing and the spark coaches know it all. That helped me get started. Of course I had a built in spark buddy. My sister Thoms1 joined my journey That has been the number one reason I have been able so successful on my journey. Good luck. I would check out Coach Dean Anderson's blogs on "Mind over Body" It's a series of 10 articles that just might help.
    1225 days ago
  • no profile photo CD14641362
    1225 days ago
  • MARTHA324
    Making change is hard but I'm here to tell you that it is so worth it!
    You are facing your fears and
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1225 days ago
    It is scary to let go but the rewards you will get are so worth it. I had to learn that persistence not perfection will help me achieve my goal. Once I shed the “all or nothing” mindset my journey became easier. Not easy but less stressed because I no longer expected to be perfect and that freed me to have the journey I need to have to get to goal. Is it easy, heck no! But it is so worth it.
    1225 days ago
  • no profile photo CHRISTOPHER63
    1225 days ago
    You just did...roar, I mean!! emoticon Love your blog and happy that you are making such great insights for yourself. They will help all of us!!
    1225 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1225 days ago
    emoticon You got this, You have taken the first step in realizing why, I have also battled some of you concerns. And, it may not be easy, this journey isn't by far, but, it is one that we all have decided to take. the help and understanding of the people here are awesome. Don't forget to reward yourself when reaching your goals. This doesn't mean food. Even a nice flower to set on your table is a spirit lifter. You got this. And, welcome aboard! emoticon
    1225 days ago
    I used to be thin. I was thin for my entire life up until the past couple years. I still feel the same inside. I am the same person regardless of my weight....until I look in the mirror or see myself in a photo or shop for clothes. I tell you this because you fear not knowing who you will be. There will be the same person on the inside always. However, being thin, I was happier. Maybe because I wasn't turned off by looking at myself. Maybe because more people smiled at me and I smiled more. Maybe because I could easily do anything at all without struggling a bit the way I do now. So I am the reverse...I've been where you are nervous about going and I can tell you, it feels great to feel good. Make it happen. I promise you, it will be worth it!!
    1225 days ago
    Good thoughts! You have encouraged me to look at blogging too. Getting it out there gets it off my mind. Perfectionism is sometimes our worst enemy. And I agree, you don't have to be "all in" with guns blazing. Sometimes just a start gets us there.
    1225 days ago
  • MAWMAW101
    You really don’t need to figure it all out to “go all in”, just go all in and see how it turns out!
    You’ll be glad you did no matter what!
    Excellent way to start..... emoticon
    1225 days ago
  • no profile photo CD23029692
    emoticon This sounds all too familiar- things I would say to myself! You got this!!! emoticon
    1225 days ago
    Awesome blog!! You started your blog using the word "realization." There is a difference between knowledge and realization. In my case, I knew that I was overweight, obese but I resisted doing anything about it. I often joked about my beer belly. ("Some men have six-pack abs but I have a whole keg!") But my obesity didn't become real to me until I developed high blood pressure. At this point I came to the realization that if I don't do something about my weight I could develop heart disease like my father. But enough psychobabble. You have the spirit and the motivation, and you can do whatever you want to do. Yes indeed, you got this. I wish you the best in your health and wellness journey.

    Ron AKA 1Day-ata-time

    1225 days ago
  • no profile photo IDAEVE
    All the best to you! You have a smart plan. emoticon emoticon
    1225 days ago
  • no profile photo CD22750510
    Awesome blog. You are not alone learning to wear your changes. You've got this!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1225 days ago
    Whoa. I LOVE this blog.

    I've never met you but you came through with your words as somebody really worth knowing.

    I, too, come from a ... uhm ... fluffy family and even during the years when I was fit and slim and NOBODY would ever have thought I had a weight problem - I had a weight problem. It's as if it came with the birth certificate.

    Of all the accountability steps you can take - eliminating non-nutritious food from your day is the most powerful. The re-think in your head that makes "No. It's not okay" your personal truth will transform you so that one day you'll be walking along a store front and see this slim woman reflected and think "Man I wish I looked like that". Then suddenly you'l realize ... that's a reflection of you!

    I am positive you'll get there.
    1225 days ago
    Great start- all in.
    1225 days ago
    Sounds like a good plan..
    1226 days ago
    emoticon And just like that she ROAR'd out her biggest and loudest CRY yet! Then she confidently started her day, TIARA straight, Wait, Yep, OK, LET's DO THIS!!!

    Bye 290's, Hello and Goodbye 50lbs weight loss, and YOU better run 280's, hear me coming? Yep, that's me, Susan, ROARING!! Go, Girl, Go Hard, Get IT, YOU CAN!
    1226 days ago

    Comment edited on: 3/19/2018 12:17:02 PM
  • no profile photo CD17713391
    WOW! You go girl! That is the spirit of a winner! You will do it!
    1226 days ago
    Wishing you the best of success!
    1226 days ago
    Great, but guns aren't necessary. Maybe have a little reward after each minor success (turning down a diet coke, passing on the junk, trying a new class)...
    1226 days ago
    Sounds like an awesome plan! I'll roar with you! ALL IN!

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1226 days ago
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