Wednesday, April 11, 2018

Here I sit. Ready to face myself. I'm having a hard time not sobbing as I type this, but all I know is that life is precious. And I need to take care of myself.

My blood pressure is too high. I'm on medication. My body is aching. And I don't feel strong and vibrant like I once did. The last number of years have taken it's toll on me as I've grieved over the loss of my in-laws who were closer to me than my own parents. And the last week has set me down on my butt. Sobbing. And the only way I know how to cope is to write. And go for walks.

With the death of 15 people of the Humbolt Bronco's team, I have fell apart. I have cousins who live there. I know what they are going through. I'm taken back to May 28, 1995, 23 years ago, like it was yesterday when my Mom called me. I was a new mom of a 3 month old son, and told that my 14 year old brother was dead, and my 17 year old brother was in hospital lucky to have survived the accident of van & train colliding. They were on their way home from a weekend youth retreat. Five youth died that day. Two survived. With that accident, came so much more loss. My parents & I didn't have a healthy relationship to start with, but my father's bitterness drove our family apart as he pitted sibling against sibling. For the most part, we sibling have figured things out and moved on. And my parents are basically acquaintances.
My sister-in-law, now married to the above brother called yesterday, that he was admitted to hospital because he wanted to commit suicide after seeing this week's accident. He is still not over his own PTSD. This accident is stirring up so much.

I know that if it were not for my strong faith, I would be in a really bad spot. I have my Friday Coffee Girls. I have my Study Group. God has blessed me with a very supportive husband. And he has blessed me with 3 wonderful boys who take good care of their Momma. I don't want to disappoint them. But right now, I'm not the strong one. I need others to rallying around me.

I don't want to go back into depression. I don't want to take on my brother's burden. He has to admit he needs professional help with his drinking related to PTSD. I don't want to live my life in a shell of fear when my youngest son goes on band bus trips. I don't want to live in fear when my middle son takes a road trip with friends. I don't want to be tense every time my oldest son leaves the ground as a pilot. I don't usually feel this way. At least not in a very long time. And it's a bit unnerving.

And I don't want to waste my life not enjoying the days I have been given. I don't want to live with "what if".

I want to live a life of "why not".

So. I'm on a slow journey to healing and de-stressing myself.
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