Sunday, April 29, 2018
I have been trying to do things differently this time. Blogging too often was putting a lot of stress on me. I love to write but I have a huge tendency to push myself and then quickly get burned out.
I had a surprising revelation this weekend. I have an enormous problem with impulse control. Anyone who knows me would probably laugh and say it's about time I noticed, but it never sunk in before.
I'm not sure I want to go into how and why this affects me, but the one thing I will share is that I realized how much this has affected my diet and my choices. In my elder years, I have become someone who just could not say no to anything containing sugar or refined carbs.
After this information smacked me in the face the other day, I started to analyze what I've been eating over the years. My diet didn't exist to nourish my body or even keep me alive. It's as if all of my eating was simply to make me happy. Such as it is, it never worked. My joy was always attached to the next piece of cake or chocolate. If I had a bad day my intense cravings for sweets could lead me to such wonderful health choices as eating frosting from a can with a spoon, combining several bite-sized pieces of chocolate into a bowl with baked potato chips ("healthy" chips plus six small Reese's cups has to be better than one big one), enjoying frozen cookie dough without bothering to bake it - the list is endless.
If that didn't work, then I would move on to carbs. I made pasta almost every night for the better part of the last 30 years. It's a miracle I'm still alive, having been a diabetic for at least the last 18. You may find this disturbing but I've been known to eat pieces of raw pasta while waiting for the rest to cook. Probably my worst idea was to try eating raw biscuits and cinnamon rolls after opening that stupid tube. I always had to save one for myself.
I've been thinking over why I do this. I can only say that I believe my brain is wired wrong. I believe that my intense craving for the dopamine in my brain to be recharged has caused this. I having been holding my cravings at bay for a few weeks and I'm hoping that remembering what I have written here will help me maintain control.
I haven't had a piece of chocolate in the last three weeks. No unbaked goods, lol and I'm staying within my carb limits most days.
Thankfully, my blood sugar levels seem to be going back to normal. I feel better but I'm currently fighting my life long insomnia. It's tough but I'll keep trying. It's all I can do.
I keep thinking about why I'm still here. I guess I still have something the universe needs me to finish.