Tears

I don't know why I keep doing this, I don't know why I can't stop doing what I know is literally killing me. Today I cried again, what is it about the end of January that calls me back to here. I was doing so well, I ran my first 1/2 marathon in 2017 I was training and doing well, then my body just quit on me...my B/P skyrocketed, I was passing out, and anytime I was active I couldn't breath or got really dizzy. I was told to take 6 weeks off.. no exercise no work no driving ....only to be told they don't know what is wrong with me. It was exhausting and it sent me into a spiral of depression. I act "ok" for work, and family. I put on my smile, but inside Im screaming. I have been afraid to go back to the gym, to hike, to get out there..because I feel like fainting and my world spins. Im afraid of being alone and something happening. Now my body is worse than it was before..My B/p is high, my weight has never been higher..and I hurt all over. My ankles bruise just from walking and being at work, my migraines are back, and so is the back pain that I had gotten rid of.
Pitty party table for 1.....Yes I'm crying, yes im angry, yes I am disappointed yet again. I read and reread the old me saying "never again" and yet here I sit...heavier and more unhealthy than before....the wind knocked out of my sails, the carpet pulled from my feet...will I ever get to the me I dream of being? Will I ever feel the utter joy I felt the first time I ran over 6 miles? Will I ever be truly happy and healthy and just enjoying things....I want to scream YES YES YOU WILL....but the me right now is like shut up.. sit down...you've tried this. But as my family and friends know...Im stubborn...I will keep trying...keep trying to change the inner voice that tells me I can't...All I can ever do is keep trying.