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Being Against My Own Self Interests

Monday, February 11, 2019

The last year has been a nightmare. I started sliding in February of 2018 and now here I am 90 pounds heavier. What I thought was bad in February was nothing compared to what the end of the year brought, but I let it affect me. I stopped logging my food. I stopped caring what I eat. My depression and anxiety came roaring and I slid.

It occurred to me to me to try to stop the slide, and then life was more unkind and here I am. Starting again, again.

Back to small changes. Tracking my food. I know that that will be a lifetime thing. Because I eat to consume. I eat to finish. I eat because I like food. I eat because it gives me comfort. Moving ten minutes a day. No I don't want to. I want to curl up on my bed and die. But I won't. I will fight that feeling again. I won't wait until the weather warms and I can get out and walk. I can move for 10 minutes inside. I am back to making sure I drink enough water. I will fill my containers and make sure I get it all down. And I will dedicate myself to writing for 10 minutes a day on things that will hone my craft.

Perspective is a funny thing. I remember when I first started to meaningfully change my life. None of the small changes I just listed seemed small to me back then. In fact, they seemed impossible. So, while I find myself starting again, I am starting further ahead than I was when I first started.

Here I go. Wish me luck.
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