I was born into a family of alcoholics and a dysfunctional. Inside our household we learned to stuff what’s going on around us or what’s happening to us with food or alcohol to numb how we felt at that time. What my mother showed for love is either taking physical or emotional abuse, or being control by a man. It was all so easy for us to be concerned with other family members or friends issues and faults instead working on ourselves.
So today I'm going to talk about step 3 what it means to me.
On January 22nd 2019, I was ready to open. I turn my live and will over to Gitche Manitou.
My little girl was about 6 years old at that time. She started to learn how be a teenager at time because taking care of her cousins, while the adults were drinking. As, her mother was getting drunk she not was protecting this little girl, things happen that this girl was afraid to open up about because nobody would believe her. It started at 10 years old, this is where she started to believe how to please men and giving what men wanted.This little girl was sober and innocent at this time in her life. However, as I got older I learned how to get drunk to have sex with men, because this how i numb my little girl
It started with my mom boyfriend, we lived in Brunswick Georgia. Nov 1983 till Feb 1984 we lived in a house with little to no furniture. It happened one night, they came home from a party and my mom passed out. Her boyfriend came to the place I was sleeping at and he lock the door so my mom couldn’t open it. He was wearing a flower robe, standing there naked. While screaming for my mother, he was telling to shut up and that’s when my mom try to open the door. He told me “if I was to tell anyone he would beat me and my mom. This little girl did say something, however, my mom didn’t believe me. So I prayed to my Higher Power to protect me.
We came back to Minnesota because my grandma passed away Feb 12, 1984, Maybe two weeks after her passing, people went back to their normal life. Since, my mom didn’t protected her from what happen in Georgia. This little girl wanted to be accepted so she allowed others to use her, called her names.
It’s like living two lives. By day this little girl stuff herself with food to numb the pain, and when night time came she wanted to be adult so she waited till everyone was drunk and she will join.
As, I got to be adult, I buried that little girl. This is where I began to be a people pleaser, have no trust in anybody, and allowing others to control me or the situation. I allow men to take full advantage of me, I believed anything they would say. I just didn’t care because they showed me love.
This journey started January 22nd of 2017, the week before I was getting sick and tired of drinking it took two months before I admit that I had a problem with drinking.
I was still stuffing my emotional feelings with food.
April 15th of 2017, when I came to ACA. I knew I grew up around a alcoholic family and dysfunctional family. However, I was not ready to let this little girl to live happy, and a peaceful life. So I kept accepting the wrong kind of men, allowing my adult kids control me, and enjoying what chaos they brought in.
I was still neglecting my little girl by stuffing food in her when she was not hungry.
My little girl was getting sick and tired of being sick and tired of stuffing in her emotions.
December 31st of 2018 my little girl finally came out. I am now willing to turn my life over to my higher power has I understands him.
Growing up, I always knew my higher power was there. He was waiting on me. To take over loving that little girl, while i was stuffing or putting poison in my body, he was there hanging out with that little girl letting her know one day I will find the strength to Let Go and Let God.
My pledge to my little girl
I will protect you from harm
I will say no to things that don't get yes
I will have the mind set and stay strong
I will invest in this sobriety
I will always allow my feeling to show
I will always allow the Gitche Manitou walk beside us. Not behind or ahead.