Control freak? Maybe...?
Thursday, March 07, 2019
I may be a little bit of a control freak – sometimes, with somethings, possibly? Maybe?
Take flying – for YEARS and YEARS I was TERRIFIED of flying…think cold sweats, white knuckle grips on the arm rests and, if I knew the person next to me, hand squeezes that mirrored those of a woman in labor (seriously, I’ve done that 3 times – I’m positive!). I always said that it’s because I don’t know how to fly a plane – well that and because you can’t just pull a plane over to the side of the sky and fix something. I’d say the serenity prayer (God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference), and I’d count to 300 in treadmill seconds (you know, the actual pace it is to count a second backed up by watching it while on the treadmill) after takeoff because most plane crashes happen in the first 5 minutes of take off…or on landing. I also have that grip on the arm rests on landing and nearly push a hole through the floor of the plane or push the seat in front of me ahead by pushing so hard on the seat legs bolted to the floor in front of me on landing – my brain would rather believe that I’m helping stop the plane as opposed to just pissing off the person in front of me. Control freak? Maybe a little.
Then take my life over the last several years. There’s something about survival mode then getting in to ‘get s h i t done’ mode that makes me a control freak. Staying way too long in a toxic environment where I have ZERO ability to control the outcome is probably me being a control freak too – I was going to make things change damn it!! No, that alcoholism tearing my family and my life apart wasn’t mine to own but DAMN IT I was going to make him care enough to get help – I was going to keep our family together and make us happy!!! Except – I couldn’t. When I finally got that figured out, I went into a different control freak mode – that aforementioned ‘get s h i t done’ mode. I controlled when, where, and what I spent my money on to make sure I could move us out of that environment. I decided what the kids and I did. I decided how I reacted to what came at me. I was in control – because I was terrified! Deep down I had no clue how to do any of this starting over, letting go, healing, and moving on…but if I convinced myself I was in control – I was ok – so I was in control.
Then there is the health factor…I’m in control, right? Seeeeeee…here’s the rub…I am in control, but I choose to go to the side of happy feelings in my tummy. No I haven’t gained a ton of weight back, after the 30 I put back on after knee surgery 5 years ago, but I haven’t lost and, worse yet, I’m not healthy. I think part of my thinking is that I like me. I do like me! I like who I am as a person. I even like who I look at in the mirror because I know every line and gray hair (even though I also like to cover those up!) reminds me of who I am. I feel sassy and feisty and downright sexy a good part of my life and even when I don’t, I never tear myself apart anymore. I truly learned to love myself even when working on myself. I do not look in the mirror and pick apart all the places I hate, I don’t tell me that I’m awful looking because my face is rounder, etc, etc, etc – I just don’t…and maybe that’s why it’s so easy to just quit trying.
What I need to take control of is my thinking. It’s my brain. Yep – I may be tired, even exhausted, and not want to cook or make good food choices, but I can and I should. Yep – we may be running here there and everywhere during the summer months because of baseball, but I have plenty of time at some part of my week to prepare meals for the week. Yep – I may have an issue finding time to work out, but there’s time and ways to fit in some movement in my day! I just choose to feel out of control there, because it’s easier. Maybe it’s that I’m sick of having to be a control freak, or, maybe it’s just easier when nothing else is – but it’s only easier on the surface because when this, apparently big, control freak feels out of control it’s not pretty. So…now what?
Well now I take my control freak tendencies and I put them to good work. I take control of my brain, somehow, and talk myself in to things that feed and fuel my body. I treat it kindly, I treat my physical being as kind as I have my emotional and mental being. I can do just about anything (still can’t fly a plane but I’m a WAY better passenger these days) – there isn’t any reason I can’t do this. Slow and steady will win this journey…it’s about time to get started…