Saturday, March 09, 2019
Full disclosure. This last year has been the hardest of my life. It started with the death of my dog in February of 2018. She was 10 pounds of antidepressant. She kept me active because she needed to go out. She needed walks. She needed people. I had always said that if it weren't for her I would be a ghost and that no one would really see me.
I was engaged, and in many ways it was the happiest I've ever been. But without the forced activity of Trinket, and because food stops the dialog of depression while I'm eating I started putting on weight.
Still my fiance kept me busy. It's funny how you can be happy and still depressed. You wouldn't think that would be the reality of it, but it is. I loved being with him and it was new every day that he loved me. I had resolved a long time ago that I would likely be single my whole life. So love at 58 was pretty stunning.
He had a heart attack in July. After that he slowed down. A lot. Hindsight was that the heart attack was worse than he knew or would admit. He had another heart attack in November. This time, there were complications during the angioplasty and he ended up on a heart machine. He died during the procedure to remove that machine.
Now alone I comforted myself with food while at the same time my thoughts about becoming a hermit became a reality. I hate going out alone, so I don't go. I have put back 100 of the 170 pounds I lost. Now my kidney disease is causing me some significant issues. I don't want to go back into type 2 diabetes and it's likely where I will wind up if I haven't already.
But this isn't what he would want for me. He wouldn't want me fading into a half life even though my depression is loud. Spring is coming. It will get nice and I will be able to go out and walk which is hard to do with 40 inches of snow on the ground.
I don't want to walk. But I will. I don't want to control my eating. But I will. I want to let my depression win. But I won't.