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Wednesday, April 03, 2019

I've been missing for almost a full month. What has happened during that time? I ballooned. I blew up like a zeppelin. My highest known weight was about a week ago, 336. Yes, let that sink in. Binge after binge after binge. Missed CC appointments. No exercise. Just depression and more depression, spiraling downward into an onyx abyss of self loathing and bitter hatred towards my circumstances. Now, some backstory: March 9th, I went to see the doctor for a follow up after my PCOS diagnosis. They did an ultrasound and hooray! No cysts. Not a single one. Great news, right? Well, hold your horses, John boy. My doctor said "Let's run some more tests, see what's going on." A few vials of blood later, and a few days later I learned I was infertile. Yes. My psych meds caused my infertility. The doctor then went on to inform me that my daughter was a miracle. Exact words. I was distraught and in this episode of sadness I turned to my only friend, food. I actually went to Taco Bell so often, certain crew members knew me. It was depressing and embarrassing. I didn't shower or brush my hair for 2 weeks straight, I would cobble together a frumpy outfit when I had or needed to leave the house. When I say I was a mess, I mean I was a MESS. Until March 31st. I dragged myself out of bed, threw on some clothes and decided to go outside and stand in the 38 degree weather, hoping to catch a shimmer of sunshine. I live in a multi ethnic neighborhood (I love it!) and I saw all my neighbors, outside playing with their children. One neighbor in particular came over to talk and expressed their concern about my wellbeing. We got to talking more and I told him about my infertility and he said "focusing on what you don't have takes away from what you do have - a miracle!" And honestly, as simple as that sounds Holy Beans, it made a huge difference. I felt like such an ungrateful douchebag, I have a sweet, beautiful, healthy, miracle baby and I'm choosing to mourn what I can't have. So lately I've been really focusing on the good, wonderful things I have in my life and sparkpeople is one of them. I think it's only human to lose sight of what you have, but it doesn't make it right. I am grateful that I got to experience a pregnancy and child birth. I am grateful I get to raise a child. I am grateful that I can still adopt and foster and grow my family. I am grateful for my life experiences. I am grateful for my life. Sarah
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