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Wednesday, May 15, 2019

How did we get to the middle of May? I peek in on everyone late at night in bed on my ipad before I pass out, I do! I am in the last two weeks of the semester, finals week(s). I'm beat but so excited to welcome summer vacation. I have been revving up for summer since January emoticon This is going to be the first summer in 3 years that I have not been in summer classes and I am most looking forward to spending undistracted time with my kids, reading books (not texts!!!), and taking care of myself. That includes having the time to do the research sans going down interesting rabbit holes, and making a solid plan so that when Fall rolls back around, I am rested, refreshed and prepared to handle it instead of flying by the seat of my pants. I actually have made some progress in this area and I am proud of that. For instance, I order my Epic bars on Amazon so I am no dependent on the time I may or may not have to find them in the store who may or may not have my favorite in stock so I'm always ready for lunch at school. I park far on campus to get my hurried steps in, and I never bring money onto campus so even if I'm tempted to buy something from the cafeteria, no time to get to my very far car and back or I can usually talk myself out it after a brisk walk. That's progress from last semester when I used to pack one dollar bills on purpose so I could grab a monster sized cookie. emoticon
The scale is at an all time high, I only weigh on Monday mornings and we've had many celebrations recently, baby shower, First Communion, birthdays, Mother's Day.....the biggest temptation I face is not planning on a summer "boot camp/punishment/penance" with bingeing from here to there and promising myself to turn it all around on day.....X. That's baloney and it will ruin my summer and my today as I cram every last thing I can think of down my throat before I face a lie and a fail. Nope, not this time.
I am working extra hard these days on being patient with myself, loving myself and accepting myself while realizing that water, walks and vegetables are all part of that plan. I have been making more decisions based on "what would be the kind thing to do for yourself?" and to my happy surprise sometimes I choose a healthy behavior like shutting down and going to bed or taking a rainy day walk. I am shocked at how much discipline it takes to love oneself. To let go of no longer relevant behavior, and to feel empowered, even at a higher weight.
I see this mastery in many successful people here at SP. For some it happens during the weight loss journey like a slowly unraveled revelation. For some at the end when they finally appreciate the person who accomplished so much. I was never satisfied at any weight, not 107 or 223 so my only hope is to start now, right here where I am. I can remember hoping to find self love at the lower weight. Like a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow, I just couldn't figure out where exactly that place was, very elusive. Now, I know it starts right here and I have heard this before but my ugly private thought has always been, "If I love or respect myself right here then I am saying I accept this weight and I'll be like that really loud, obnoxious lady I know who wears visors and proudly overeats at every function all while declaring she loves herself". Really. Huge fear. Comparing is silly and we can never really know or judge where someone is on a journey and it really has nothing to do with us anyway. The truth is I can't be the skinny friend or the obnoxious one, I am me and I don't have to prove my love for myself with a certain size jeans or by overeating large amounts of pizza publicly as if to say, "See, doesn't bug me a bit!"
I need to this well and solidly and genuinely once and for all. I am a rebel to the core and rebels do it their way and might I add often like to pull a fast one and do something unexpected before the big reveal. I know my private little workings are going to pay off because I see the progress that hasn't yet translated to something visual yet. Learning to love myself is the most extreme thing I've ever undertaken. You know this if you've ever dabbled! You are my hero if you do and I know you're out there because I read your blogs and your self discovery and love inspires me but I can't be you and I have to do it my way in my time and you totally get it:) Keep your blogs coming! I even smiled to myself, SMILED when I saw a large number this week because I know my personality loves to test. Do you still love me????? No need for testing, I do. Interestingly, this is what I have done in some of my most important relationships as well. It's destructive and I always come out loveable so this behavior is wholly mas. Now do the work that is difficult sometimes but mostly enjoyable because you deserve it and are worthy and always have been.
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