From the darkness
Monday, June 03, 2019
Before I started this journey on my lifestyle change I had been battling some pretty severe depression. I mean severe... I told my husband to leave me, as he could do better than me. I contemplated self harm (never done that before!) and I was even pushing my own kiddos away.
It all started two years ago when the Dr. said mom is dying and needs to come home for hospice care. I quit my job and got other things in order to prepare for the time she would be home and I could be by her side. She only lasted one week at home before she passed. It absolutely devastated me. Mom was my best friend. My only parent I had ever known! Sure dad came around in my 30's, but he was never ever my mom, and never will be. I grew up with just me and her. My siblings were a decade older than me and out of the house before I could really remember them being there.
8 months after mom passed and the healing started, my best friend took his own life. He always struggled with mental health and started to self medicate. Unfortunately those hard street drugs took their toll and the rest of his mental health. He couldn't handle the pain of living anymore.
3 months after my best friend passed, my brother died. He was the closest thing to a father figure I ever really had... losing him hurt to my core. In 13 months time I lost three of the most important people to me... so I went dark..... really really dark. It took over a year to crawl out of that dark hole.
I knew I had to change my mindset. My husband and kids needed me. They tolerated my self loathing and pushing them away. they stood by my side and held my hand every dark step of the way. I turned all of my focus towards being a better, strong, and healthier (mental and physical) version of me.
My dear sweet husband says that ever since January, the month I really started this change, that I have gained my shine back. I feel healthier inside and out thanks to eating right and exercising and I would not have it any other way. This new lifestyle saved my life and pulled me from the darkness.