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Monday, August 12, 2019

I feel absolutely disgusting. If you can, hang in there for the full story.
So I've been missing from spark for a little while. My family finally was able to move into our brand new home and with three young kids it took me a long time to pack, and we're still unpacking after being here almost 6 weeks. in this time our eating habits became terrible because convenience took a major precedence over health. We have eaten out so so so much and frequently at McDonalds because its cheap and easy. A lot of pizza, a lot of everything you shouldn't be eating. And I've been making convenient and less healthy meals for dinner and stuffing my face with carb loaded snacks throughout the day.

I finally got the courage to step on the scale for the first time since early June. I have gained about 20 lbs and officially am bigger than I've ever been in my entire life- weighing in at 340lbs. Do you want to know why I weighed myself? Because I've been noticing the differences slowly taking over my life. I tire quickly and easily become short of breath. Taking care of personal needs in the bathroom has become more difficult, and that's really embarrassing! My fat is in my way. I'm getting rashes. I can't bend over as easily and my double chin is annoying me to no end. Looking down shouldn't be hard! I hadn't noticed much difference in clothes because I wear leggings every day. My husband took a candid photo of me doing something and I was beyond horrified with what I saw. I went wedding dress shopping with my sister and she wanted me to try on bridesmaid dresses. I could hardly fit into the size 26 dresses and I was not ready to commit to buying one while I'm this big.

I hate myself. I haven't felt this awful about myself since I was in college (2009) and gave a damn about what other people thought. I can't take this. Something has to change.

I have terrible carpal tunnel and I have an appointment this week for a consultation and will likely need surgery. What if they don't want to do it because of my size? What if I can't properly take care of myself in the bathroom with just my left hand available? What if I just choose to suffer through it and carry on? What if I end up using the surgery as an excuse to make unhealthy choices and never exercise? What if recovery stifles any progress I make?

Today is grocery day. It's difficult for me to successfully shop for my family in a healthy way as my children are incredibly picky. I buy them stuff like goldfish and chicken nuggets for lunch and I'm not above stuffing a half a bag of crackers into my face while I make their lunch because I'm hungry and being a mom is busy and exhausting. Meal prep takes time I don't always have. Making myself a separate meal isn't at the top of my priority list because I can't manage to squeeze it in.

I'm so discouraged and angry with myself. I can feel my PCOS spinning out of control and I'm afraid it'll only make it harder for me to make progress. I'm embarrassed by myself and I can't stand to be in my own skin right now.

My knees hurt, my ankles hurt, my back aches and I don't like to stand for long periods.
I ask my husband on a daily basis how he can stand to look at me and I twist his words to make it sound as though he's hung up on how fat I am. I'm a terrible person. I'm not a great mother or wife and I'm a very unhealthy person. Hoping to find some answers and to train myself in a new lifestyle though I'm deeply discouraged because this is only one of many many attempts at such a feat.

I'm so tired of me.
I'm so, so tired.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • SHAKTI816
    I understand some of what you are feeling. I know how awful and desperate it can seem. It's overwhelming when you feel like there's so much to tackle. I just wanted you to know that I'm here to support you on your journey. You have lots of folks here that can relate to you and be a good support system. I've only written a couple of blogs but one of them basically says JUST DO IT. And it's the hard truth. You absolutely must start and JUST DO IT!!! Do one thing to make your life better. Get some momentum and start adding to it. The small changes will be where the magic happens as long as you stay consistent. If you need a buddy to help keep you motivated... reach out to me on my page and we'll get together via text. I want you to be happy and healthy. I promise you can do it but you first have to work on believing and accepting that you can do it!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    424 days ago
  • SUNSHINE6442
    Chances are, your children aren't eating enough of crucial nutrients...try fortified foods like cereals, cheese & apple slices, serve canned fruit that says it's light or packed in its own juice, meaning it's low in added sugar. Chicken Nuggets...besides offering little nutritional value, they contain an overwhelmingly high amount of preservatives & chicken nuggets are among the unhealthiest foods you can eat. The “chicken” is usually more fat and filler than meat (breaded or battered and fried). Try canned chicken mashed into a creamy mayonnaise and add bacon bits for crunch, chill & serve on whole wheat crackers of whole wheat bread....my son used to love this sandwich.
    Use McCormick's version of the product, labeled as "bacon flavored bits," do not contain any bacon. In fact, McCormick's “bac'n” is actually totally vegan.


    He also loved Green Giant White Shoepeg Sweetcorn ...it comes in a microwave pouch....and is valued for its sweetness. He ate this sometimes for lunch or a snack.

    Cubed ham is fast and easy..serve with slices of cheese & raw baby carrots. Kraft Mac & Cheese is made with no artificial flavors, preservatives, and dyes with easy 10 minute prep time.

    431 days ago

    Comment edited on: 8/18/2019 4:47:31 AM
  • KMLOPAC
    When I feel broken, I turn to music. Maybe you can draw some inspiration from this song that I currently love. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L9F
    A9U4s3Tg If the link doesn't work you can search for "Josh Groban- Granted" It helped me through my mom's cancer diagnosis last year (She completed treatment and is cancer free now!)
    435 days ago
  • EMJAYWS
    I really like how honest you are in this blog! I can't help but notice how incredibly stressful the past few months have been for you. Now that you are in your new place and are ready to make other types of changes, it's a great time to let the past be the past, "draw a line in the sand" and start that next chapter of your own choosing. I've had PCOS/blood sugar issues and found alot of positive changes doing lower-carb/keto. It keeps me feeling satisfied and I'm able to stay on track without being driven mad by thoughts of food. AND many of us were that busy mommy once and a really important lynchpin is SUPPORT... from friends, family, or a sisterhood-of-your-choosing... emoticon Glad you're reaching out!
    435 days ago
  • MIAMI_LILLY
    Changes that last. You’re at the point where you’re tired of being sick and tired. This is where things turn around. Forgive yourself, and take 1 day at a time. Be kind, be patient and don’t ever give up. A new you is waiting to bust out! 💪🙌💕
    435 days ago
  • MIAMI_LILLY
    First, you take care of your kids before yourself, so you ARE a great mom. And just because life’s circumstances took over and led you to make poor choices does not make you a terrible person. Loving and accepting yourself is the key to making change
    435 days ago
  • GETTHERE135
    Well first I would suggest stop hating yourself... so easy for us all to be hard on ourselves, but it never helps. Start loving yourself right now, little baby steps. Talk to yourself in a loving way, remind yourself of all the things you are doing RIGHT. Treat yourself like you love yourself even if you fake it til you make it, talk out of love, eat out of love, be active out of love. Just begin to challenge those hurtful thoughts. Maybe you can try some new healthier foods for your kids so you are not making two meals, bonus it will be good for everyone. There are so many healthy recipes online, just small changes that remake a recipe but you won`t lose the flavor. Best of luck, keep your head up, you can do this, just one day at a time.
    435 days ago
  • MEGMCDO
    I saw your request for support on the Community Feed, and stopped by to read your very articulate, self-aware blog. Kudos to you for being able to express what you're experiencing right now, even if it's difficult. This kind of clarity is the first step in the journey. You are sick and tired of being sick and tired.

    I gained 21 pounds recently while out of work for six months. Here's how I got more than half of it off over the past six weeks: Tracking every bite, lick, and taste. Drinking 64 ounces of water each day. Moving for 20 minutes each day despite my physical limitations. Meditating for 10 minutes every evening before bed.

    I saw someone in these comments suggest picking one habit to tackle per week. This is great advice. Slow and steady wins the race!

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    435 days ago
  • NEWFLABULESS
    I think that you are being way too hard yourself. I'm sure that you are a great mother and wife. You have just strayed away from your own happiness. You need to work on you and what makes you feel good. But you can't change everything overnight; it will take patience and a lot of perseverance.

    Start by making small goals such as, I will not snack while fixing my kids lunches. Plan out what you are going to eat and picture how it looks....aim for colorful, healthy foods that fuel your body. Park a little farther at the store so that you have to add a few more steps. It doesn't sound like much, but little things like this do add up and if you slowly add more, you will soon be on your way to a happier you.

    Keep up the faith....YOU GOT THIS!!!
    435 days ago
  • DAWNWATERWOMAN
    This sounds like something I could have written in the past. Some of it still rings true for me but thanks to therapy & determination, I am in a less negative spot. I can NOT look at myself in pictures or mirrors. However, I can cheerfully avoid them and push myself forward to becoming the best me that there is. My highest weight was 475+. The scale didn't go higher. I came to SparkPeople and I lost weight. THEN, life got in the way. Just after I managed to break into the 200's... life fell apart and my emotional eating was out of control. I ended up suicidal, in the doctor's office at 403 and beyond miserable. I got on some good anti depressants, got a great therapist & psychiatrist and found a food plan that I could embrace and stick with. I have been working with the therapist since Nov 2017. Once I was healthy enough mentally, I was able to find and embrace my food plan in July 2018. I am now sitting at 283 (a 192 pound total loss) and still pushing myself as hard as I can. On bad days, I know that I have my SparkFriends, my SparkTeams, my therapist & doctor and even my family (not so much) I am still almost 100 pounds away from my goal, but I am NEVER GOING TO GIVE UP. I am sure that I WILL get there. Just not sure how long it will take. That means that YOU & I have plenty of time to work on ourselves and learn to LOVE OURSELVES. I believe that some day WE will get there. In the meantime... BELIEVE what you want yourself to be and somehow the magic happens and you will find that true self. BELIEVE that you are a good person, a good mom, a good wife. BELIEVE that you will find the path you need to take to in order to find all of the BEAUTIFUL YOU that is definitely inside of you. Bright blessings to you.
    435 days ago
  • NANALD1
    Most of us have faced the same issues you are at some point in time. I’m not saying this to minimize your feelings, but to let you know that it will get better. Try to take your diet one day at a time and just do the best that you can. You are a mom and that is an obstacle for sure but you can use it as a motivator as well. I am sure you want them to be health and modeling healthy eating and exercising in your home will help give them a great foundation. As for not liking yourself, take a closer look! You sound like a great, you are articulate and you are trying. I am sure there is much more to applaud but since I don’t know you it is hard. Push your way through the slip and know that there will be more slips but you can and will get to where you want to be!! emoticon
    435 days ago
  • -TERESALYNN-
    Hi, Madison! Give yourself a huge pat on the back for stepping on that scale. I've been in the same place you are - having gained a bunch when my plan was to lose - and usually the thing that gets me back on track is seeing that number on the scale. I know (and you know) that if you can make a small change (like switching from the empty carbs to veggies) it will be a step in the right direction, which you can follow with another step, and then another, one small step at a time. Now that the move is over, things can maybe be a bit more in control. With three kids it will always be a challenge, but I read your profile about doing kid's exercises with your kids - so that shows you can find ways to make healthy work.

    They say it's darkest just before the dawn, and I see a sunrise ahead for you - You can do this! I'm working to get under 300 myself, so let's do it together
    435 days ago
  • no profile photo CD24782080
    You took a major positive step by blogging this and reaching out the the sparkpeople community. Try to reframe things and look at the things you are grateful for. It really helps me with my negative inner dialog. You have a new home! You have a wonderful family! Just start tracking and making small changes a little at a time. Hang in there - you are a beautiful soul and can take the first step on this journey right now!!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    435 days ago
  • PB1959
    You have done this before and you can do it now. I am looking forward to your progress. You will be there for someone else in the future. Hang in there. You got this!
    435 days ago
  • PB1959
    Hey sweetie. You can do this. One day at a time. You have alot going on! Try tracking food...do just that for a week. Then start drinking water...try for 8....the next week. Then substitute a healthy vegetable or fruit for the fries.
    435 days ago
  • JELSON7
    I'm so sorry. I feel the same way right now. I had worked hard running & eating healthy & got down to 190. In the last 2 years of bad choices I've gained & am up to 250 - the biggest I've ever been Tires, hurting... I hate it.
    435 days ago
  • CARLOSLAKELAND
    You can do this. You are worth it. Take it one moment at a time. Be patient. Log your food. Go for walks even if it's 5 minutes at a time. You got this. Read as many articles and blogs on here as you can every day. God bless you on your journey
    435 days ago
  • NEPTUNE1939
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    435 days ago
  • SHOAPIE
    Even tho it is hard, first try to change your inner dialog. Congratulate yourself on something well done, no matter how small. Make small changes slowly and add as things get easier. Eat more fruit and vegetables, and remember frozen is as good as fresh although fresh is immediately available. Move more, walk more. Achieve a few goals at a time and reward yourself when you accomplish them. Remind your inner self what you have achieved and what you want to achieve. Go back to the beginning and redo the Spark People 28 Day Program. It will refresh memory on how to do it. emoticon emoticon
    435 days ago
  • LIZMARIE0803
    I am tired as well and I am the biggest I have weighed in a long time... I am starting today cannot tell you how many times I said DAY 1.... can only hope and push my way through this change one day at a time
    435 days ago
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