Monday, August 12, 2019
I feel absolutely disgusting. If you can, hang in there for the full story.
So I've been missing from spark for a little while. My family finally was able to move into our brand new home and with three young kids it took me a long time to pack, and we're still unpacking after being here almost 6 weeks. in this time our eating habits became terrible because convenience took a major precedence over health. We have eaten out so so so much and frequently at McDonalds because its cheap and easy. A lot of pizza, a lot of everything you shouldn't be eating. And I've been making convenient and less healthy meals for dinner and stuffing my face with carb loaded snacks throughout the day.
I finally got the courage to step on the scale for the first time since early June. I have gained about 20 lbs and officially am bigger than I've ever been in my entire life- weighing in at 340lbs. Do you want to know why I weighed myself? Because I've been noticing the differences slowly taking over my life. I tire quickly and easily become short of breath. Taking care of personal needs in the bathroom has become more difficult, and that's really embarrassing! My fat is in my way. I'm getting rashes. I can't bend over as easily and my double chin is annoying me to no end. Looking down shouldn't be hard! I hadn't noticed much difference in clothes because I wear leggings every day. My husband took a candid photo of me doing something and I was beyond horrified with what I saw. I went wedding dress shopping with my sister and she wanted me to try on bridesmaid dresses. I could hardly fit into the size 26 dresses and I was not ready to commit to buying one while I'm this big.
I hate myself. I haven't felt this awful about myself since I was in college (2009) and gave a damn about what other people thought. I can't take this. Something has to change.
I have terrible carpal tunnel and I have an appointment this week for a consultation and will likely need surgery. What if they don't want to do it because of my size? What if I can't properly take care of myself in the bathroom with just my left hand available? What if I just choose to suffer through it and carry on? What if I end up using the surgery as an excuse to make unhealthy choices and never exercise? What if recovery stifles any progress I make?
Today is grocery day. It's difficult for me to successfully shop for my family in a healthy way as my children are incredibly picky. I buy them stuff like goldfish and chicken nuggets for lunch and I'm not above stuffing a half a bag of crackers into my face while I make their lunch because I'm hungry and being a mom is busy and exhausting. Meal prep takes time I don't always have. Making myself a separate meal isn't at the top of my priority list because I can't manage to squeeze it in.
I'm so discouraged and angry with myself. I can feel my PCOS spinning out of control and I'm afraid it'll only make it harder for me to make progress. I'm embarrassed by myself and I can't stand to be in my own skin right now.
My knees hurt, my ankles hurt, my back aches and I don't like to stand for long periods.
I ask my husband on a daily basis how he can stand to look at me and I twist his words to make it sound as though he's hung up on how fat I am. I'm a terrible person. I'm not a great mother or wife and I'm a very unhealthy person. Hoping to find some answers and to train myself in a new lifestyle though I'm deeply discouraged because this is only one of many many attempts at such a feat.
I'm so tired of me.
I'm so, so tired.