I'm scared I'll go back...
Monday, November 04, 2019
I try to be positive and encouraging when I put something on here but the truth is I'm reaching a point where I'm feeling two contrasting emotions:
#1 - this isn't that hard, I've got this figured out. I'm going to change my life!!
#2- this has never been that hard, You've thought you had this figured out before. What if you go back to how it was before?
It's crazy. I still am amazed that I've been losing weight and changing my body.
I spent about 25 years feeling hopeless and not even believing in myself or the process. I mean if I never believed it would work then it wasn't too disappointing when I let myself down. Now I'm really scared. I am feeling so good and enjoying the rewards that come with better health and fitness. Now that I know I can do this... it feels like a lot of pressure to not allow myself to backslide. And I don't do well with pressure.
I constantly have to fight urges to self-sabotage. I also have to be careful to not become overly obsessed with every carb and calorie...it leads to unhealthy habits like binging when I do not match up to what I expect is right. I'm tired of this good food/bad food mentality. I think that's one of the biggest issues. If you don't have an addiction or an unhealthy diet...then food is just food...some choices better for you than others but none that should cause you such pain or guilt. I guess that's what I'm striving for right now. A relationship with food that is healthy and reasonable. And a mindset that knows it's okay to have some Nutella "occasionally" and it not be a big deal.
YES... NUTELLA... I don't even usually like Nutella but I had some this weekend and I put way too much energy into worrying about it. And instead of being okay with having a little... I felt so much guilt that I justified having a lot more.... almost an entire little jar in the past two days. See.... there is that unhealthy binging thing that is no fun to talk about. But it's the truth. And I guess I'm scared that one day I'll let something like that really derail me. But not today...I'm moving on and building on the healthy things I've incorporated in my life.
So to end on a positive note... here are a few inspirational things!!