SUSMANNIE
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Lunch at my desk

Friday, December 13, 2019



Yesterday evening I'd had a sleepless night and didn't want to cook, so I stopped at Target after work and bought 4 Amy's frozen meals. Asian vegetables, noodles, with cashew sauce. For DH and my dinner and lunch today. I made a spinach salad with assorted slivered vegetables and an Asian dressing. I mixed the salad into the meal after I heated and it made it more interesting.

Yesterday I broke down with my generally not getting involved with coworkers rule when we had a departmental brunch potluck. I said no at first but thought it would not help me in any way to opt out so I sucked it up and went. Still having emotional issues with work. Part of my concern is my emotional health, which does not seem as hearty as some people's. Full confession: I see a doctor for antidepressant meds. I've been on one or another since my twenties after being hospitalized for depression. I feel very fortunate that I was able to complete college, live on my own, and meet and marry my wonderful husband. It could have gone differently. But I do feel vulnerable to excessive stress, as it tends to throw me into a depressive mood. I usually can pull into my bag of tricks to "heal my mood", but I try to avoid lots of stress. TMI, probably, but I see it as a sort of handicap and have to take care of myself.

So I went, I ate quiche, and I sat with my manager while the bulk of the "younger set" sat at the other end of the table taking selfies. I go through periods of despair and feeling alienated, but want to hang on to my job a while longer until I can retire. Some days are better than others. But in the meantime, I keep learning how to take care of myself better and modify my eating habits.

I have noticed that I've blocked my emotional eating mostly, and so am having much stronger feelings. Not numbing myself. But I indulged in a couple of bakery chocolate chip cookies and found myself returning several times for another. It's amazing how quickly that addictive behavior kicks back in, like it's saying, "Hi, where have you been?" Ugh. I'm stopping that immediately. I need my own personal robot/caretaker to say "Poison Alert, Will Robinson! Beware!" (Will R. from Lost in Space, TV program of the 60's).

I had a visit with my (new) prescribing psychiatrist, who disagreed with my strategy of emotional self protection in the workplace, and emphasized the "value of vulnerability". I guess in some situations this is valid, but how about a little emotional support, new doctor? Whatever. The verdict is still out on her longevity in my health care picture. My previous doctor left the clinic where I was seeing him (for many years).

Change, change, and more change. I used to think I welcomed change. Then I turned 60 and began to struggle with the concept.

Happy Sparking to everyone. Take good care of yourself today.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • LINDA!
    I always hated the office parties. I only really liked to hang out with people I like - rarely was that more than 1 or 2 people in my entire company. I usually sat with them and ate. I also take anti depressants. I have been taking them since 2008, with a few tweaks. It helps. I also went to a therapist for talk therapy for several years. I thought it helped.
    38 days ago

    Comment edited on: 12/13/2019 8:54:20 PM
  • MRSLIVINGWELL
    I don't know who enjoys office parties... but I go to them anyway as an obligation. Good for you for getting through it and mastering the planning of what can be done when you are faced with sleeplessness and stress. I think you did great!
    38 days ago
  • SHOAPIE
    emoticon
    38 days ago
  • MOLLIEMAC
    emoticon You made it through and thankfully the prerequisite holiday luncheon only happens once a year. I seldom participated in any when I was still working, the thought of bad food and drinks and idle gossip was definitely a turn off. I hope you and your new doctor can come to some kind of understanding, she needs to back up and listen to you before she changes course so abruptly.
    Like the looks and sound of your lunch!
    38 days ago
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