Just so I remember again - next step in this journey starting
Thursday, December 26, 2019
Well hello Spark world...it's time to re-write this yet again.
Like all journeys in life, there are phases or steps that one goes through when navigating that journey. There are bad times, but there are so many good times and, if you are blessed enough, when you come to a clearing in your journey, you have learned something and are a better person for it...I have learned.
If you want to read my past intro, it's in my blog - in a nutshell it's this - I once had a life I was extremely happy in and my biggest worry was my weight - then, things happened, things I couldn't control and could never figure out how to navigate and my world turned upside down. Over the last several years I have lost my marriage and the life I thought I would give myself and my kids...I have struggled and hurt and been angry...and I have pushed through and grown stronger and healed. My clearing is here...
It's funny how I don't realize where I'm at in life, most times, until I'm through a stage. I'm learning to recognize and grasp my life, moment by moment, as they are here. Today, as I sit here in the 5 a.m. hour updating this, I'm happy.
Today I sit here, single, still with 3 beautiful children (just older children now :) One even had the balls to move away to chase her dreams at her dream school - good for her!), still working on my health journey, again smiling more than I frown, feeling amazing!
In the last few years I hit rock bottom, and then I started building my way up. I have learned to love myself. I have learned that the way that I talk to myself sets up how I feel. I have learned that if I do not like myself when I am alone, I can not possibly expect anyone else to like me. I have learned to love myself, even if I'm still working on me. I have learned that being able to be happy alone is a true blessing and a MUST in order to be able to truly be open to be with someone else. I have learned to take care of me, body yes, but also mind and soul and the rest of the world learns that you will take nothing less than respect, love and happiness from it.
Difficult times? Yes, there will always be those, but they get much easier when you are confident that the bad times are not permanent and they do not define who you are, they are a piece of life and an opportunity to learn. Also, the best things about difficult times, they make us appreciate the beset times. I work now to take in the difficult times, to embrace the crappy moments, to know that they will pass and some of the best are yet to come!
See, I've learned to live life. I've not become jaded, I stopped pushing others away, I've rediscovered parts of me that I had buried in order to heal. I have given myself permission to be nice to me and to embrace this crazy journey of life. I am happy.
This last Saturday (March 31st, 2018 - for the me that looks back and reads this 2 years from now) I was paid one of the best compliments. The compliment was simple, but it was from someone who has absolutely nothing to gain from complimenting me. This person is an important person in my son's life and, thus, in mine but only on the level that he cares for my son in a coach/mentor/idol (in my son's eyes) way. He is very happily married and I adore his wife too. His compliment was non prompted, it wasn't part of a conversation about health or weight loss, it was simply a question and statement that was real and honest in the moment - and I'm quite glad he had the gall to ask given that a guy asking this kind of thing of a woman can be dangerous! :) He said to me "You're looking great! Have you lost weight?" This while I'm sitting at an 8 a.m. Saturday baseball practice with mini piggy tails in my hair under a hat because, well, 8 a.m. baseball practice on a Saturday! I smiled and told him how I'm the heaviest I've been since starting to lose weight 9 years ago (he's known me for 3 years). He told me that I looked like I was losing weight and looked great. I thought for a minute and said, "I'm happy - I'm the happiest I've been in the last several years." He smiled and told me it looked good on me...and isn't it great when they happy inside starts shining on the outside?
Life will not be perfect...but it certainly can be great...and I type that as I'm starting day 4 with no soda and have a headache I'm not looking forward to battling today - but I woke up today...so far, so have all my loved ones...I have a new day to make the best I can, to smile, to laugh, to think, and to cry...
I think Jimmy V said it the very best as he stood on a stage just days before he died, knowing he was dying but living in that moment anyway when he said:
“To me there are three things everyone should do every day. Number one is laugh. Number two is think -- spend some time time in thought. Number three, you should have your emotions move you to tears. If you laugh, think and cry, that's a heck of a day.”
So - welcome to my page now - I'm battling back in my health journey and I'll have ups and downs, but the goal is more ups than downs - wait - with weight maybe that's more downs than ups! :) And I'm walking with purpose and appreciation through this life - taking in all the good I can, working through the difficult and enjoying the journey. Hugs and loves friends!