Friday, January 10, 2020
So I’m back at this. It’s been a great kick-off week.
Now, I don’t know if I’ve been avoiding this or if it truly has never occurred to me but I now can honestly say I am truly addicted to food. I think the stigma wrapped around that statement leaves people rolling their eyes thinking “that’s not a REAL addiction, it’s not like heroin or something.” But it is.
Last night I asked my husband to pick up some baked lays potato chips to have with dinner because i have been successful in the past with those. I can measure a serving and feel like it’s enough and I don’t love them so much that I’ll eat them all. Apparently they didn’t have any so instead he was being nice and brought home my most favorite aged white cheddar and sour cream cape cod potato chips. I immediately said “there goes my progress.”
I weighed out a serving on my plate and when my plate was empty I weighed out one more serving and stayed within my goal calorie range. Fine. I snuck a couple extras and then tucked the bag in the back of the pantry.
After the kids were in bed and I was settling down I kept wishing I could go eat some more chips. We hopped in bed and watched tv and has a sugar free pudding. But I wanted the chips. I had been fixating on them for an hour at that point. I kept thinking about their crunch, their flavor, wishing the bag was full so I could eat a whole bag because I’d be so happy eating all of those glorious chips. I’d feel like crap afterward but I’d tell myself it was soooo worth it. It was the only thing I could think about! Eventually it made me really angry and I snapped and just about tore my husbands head off when he started licking his pudding cup (gross) and I even got tears in my eyes. I scrunched down in bed and before my show was even over I just rolled over and went to sleep.
I woke up this morning still feeling grumpy and thinking about those chips. I weighed myself and it was a smaller loss than what I’ve been having. I blame the chips. It’s 7:19am and I’ve thought about them for an hour, I want them for breakfast. How I’m going to successfully fight this long term...I don’t know if I can.
I don’t quite think my husband grasps what it means for me to be addicted to food. He’s an unintentional enabler. He tries to be nice by grabbing things he knows I like. I’ve tried buying prepackaged things to avoid overeating servings but then I just eat two or more packs. Ive tried packaging things myself so there are no extra packs but then I eat it all while I’m packing it.
This is the struggle. I have very little will power, I’ve always struggled with that. When I was younger (not necessarily a child but a teenager maybe and younger adult) I remember social situations where I struggled. For instance say someone brought a cake for a birthday and I had a piece and we all moved on but then all I could do was stare at the cake and wish that I could go in for a second piece without being stared at. If someone brought doughnuts to work I’d take one and then think about them all day wondering if any were left and if I could get away with grabbing another. Situations where I knew it was socially inappropriate to stuff my face with the offending food but it was the only thing I could focus on. That’s gotten a bit better with my age but I’m aware of it happening and how it made me feel over and over again.
We made plans with some neighbors for next week and and before they even said they could come I was planning out which junk foods I’d have available and how I was going to have such a glorious cheat night stuffing my face with crap while I excused it because it’s supposed to be a fun night and battling addiction is the opposite of fun.
These roots run so deep and I don’t know how I can ever change.