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My Adventures in Spark Land...Day 167 of Doing the New: Discovering the root of my insecurities.

Thursday, January 16, 2020

"Love your whole story even if it hasn't been the perfect fairy tale."

emoticon Last night I was reading in my dress your truth book by Carol Tuttle and some things popped out at me. As I laid there and stared off into space thinking about them, they made a lot of since to me. I wanted to share them:

emoticon We are like wearing what is in fashion. But the fashion clothes are made for the rich and famous. They don't make the same clothes for the poor people.

emoticon Clothes that are is fashion are made for 1 body type. The world is filled with all sorts of body types. So when we go into a store and see the latest styles and go to try them on, they don't fit us. We look at ourselves and begun to hate ourselves because that outfit, which was not made for our bodies, looks bad on us. So we leaving feeling awful about ourselves.

emoticon My Dad put down my mom for the way she looked for years. She was on WW half my life. I remember her reaching her goal and going off WW and gaining weight then my dad would make hurtful comments and she would go back on WW. He had photos on his dresser of her when she was skinny but none of her being fat! Looking back, she wasn't fat!

emoticon I grew up being skinny! When I met my son's father, I bloated 2 jean sizes overnight. I went to the doctor and they found a lump. People prayed and when I took a C-scan it was gone. But my belly still looked like I was pg! I walked all the time. My Dad said awful things to me that made me ashamed of my body image. He said I wasn't exercising. Mom offered to pay for a gym membership. When I was in the mist of the court battles, I bloated again. Mom took me to doctors and test. She paid for curves until I quit because my legs were in pain. The doctors said it was IBS. I do believe a lot of the bloating comes from 'family drama'. But instead of encouraging me that the doctors would find out why I was bloating in my belly and I looked pg, Dad made fun of my weight.

Last night I could see what Carol was talking about. I grew up skinny and now my belly is bloated. I look awful in the 'cute in style' clothes.

emoticon The other day I started to look into Chakras videos from Carol Tuttle. There are seven. One is the root. I went through her 'visual exercise'. I had mixed emotions because I was told while I attended St. Paul Bible College that this was new age and new age was wrong. This morning that video popped up again. As I listen to it again, I was in total shock!!! The root Chakra helps us feel safety and security, When this is off, everything is off! This Chakra is activated in us from Birth to 6 Months old. My whole life I have never felt safe or secure! Actually my son's father pointed that out to me. I won't go into detail. What I did the other day through this 'visual exercise' was open up that Chakra to start helping me feel safe, secure, and grounded.

For Day 167 I am going to share what is starting to happen as the result:

emoticon As I started above my parent's have felt unsafe and insecure my whole life. My son's father pointed out that when ever my parent's would go on vacation I would go into 'what if they die, who will 'take care' of me?' modes. I know silly for a 30 year old women to feel. Now that my parent's are gone, my son makes me feel that in a different way. He feels as if he is 'teasing me' and I start freaking out because I start feeling unsafe and insecure! I became very vocal with my son today about what he was saying for the first time. He stopped and looked at me and said 'what is your problem?' As we begin to talk, he realized my Dad had feeding me wrong information all my life. So when he 'teased me', I went into feeling unsafe and insecure. Today as I went over the video again, I thought what happened to me the first 6 months of my life? Then it came back to me! When I entered college, the rule was at that college, that you must hug at least 10 people a day. I came home and asked my mom why she never hug me. Mom told me I spend the 1st 10 days of my life in a children's hospital, went I came home, I rejected them touching me so they rejected me. In college I took psych 101 and learned that babies who aren't touched the first few days of their lives do reject touch because they don't know what touch is. I learned that day, I wasn't rejected them, I was a innocent baby who had never been touched before. I had to learn what touch was! I realized today that rejection from them has played into my life. For the first time I was able to verbalize to my son, how his 'teasing' is making me feel. By the way, my maternal grandparent's hugged and cuddled, etc me. My Dad's sister told me her whole family had low self esteem and never hugged or touched anyone. I tend to believe my Dad was behind my parent's rejected me. When my son and I talked we realized it was lies my dad had told me that was making me feel insecure.

emoticon I am pretty excited to see what happens next in my healing process.

Onward to Day 168 of Doing the New.
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