CARRILU
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Tuesday, May 12, 2020

Howdy Fam,
How is it that there is more time now than ever and yet zero motivation to do all the things I had always imagined I would with just one more hour in the day??? I feel like I may be slowly emerging from the quarantine stupor I have been in. I have also been in a cast since the first week of stay at home orders so my feelings of restriction are layered in more ways than one. I know we are all feeling this, everyone's universe has shifted and it gives me comfort to know that we are feeling the feelings together.
In terms of health and wellness, I have never eaten so much in my life as these past weeks and it's not totally a bad thing. Let me explain. This is full binge eating disorder at it's apex. Intuitive eating starts with not having a fear of any food and not assigning morality to food, it is not "good" or "bad". I am not trying to intuitively eat, that is way beyond my ability BUT I kinda get it now. I have learned that food is just food. Some food fuels and nourishes better for sure but because I haven't restricted myself in the least, I am now in a position to CHOOSE how I would like to proceed. I have proven to myself (on accident) that I can eat pizza four times a week if I want and have dessert most nights if I choose. It isn't that great. I also can now say with certainty, that food does not cure anxiety, not salty, not sweet, not huge amounts, not weeks on end in unlimited quantities, .....it doesn't work because that is not food's job. I am as uncertain about the future as I was when I slathered that second batch of soda bread with butter back in March. It is very liberating. I seriously feel lucky. Most of my life I "cheated" on the weekend, and because Monday was around the corner I had to be strategic with my binge, pizza and ice cream or burgers and shake? I only had one shot at it...., until the next binge. Over six weeks, there has been no limits and so no mystery, no longing, no wondering if I made the right choice in my "last supper" choice, and most importantly, I didn't feel the urge to plan my next binge, there was no need.
Because I am casted in a plantar flexion position (toes down), I cannot get on my scale. I am completely non-weight bearing so there is no way to balance with one leg on a scale. For the first time in my life I am eating all the things and not worried about my weight. Like for weeks! Like for real! Amazing. I did some seated workouts that I found on Youtube and wheeled myself around the park but the middle of the night itchiness under the cast is unbearable and not worth it, so no exercise either.
What has this all lead to? Tight underwear, a double chin, and a profound, deep, genuine desire to make some real changes in my life. I am not ashamed of myself, I am a little uncomfortable but mostly I am happy that I now know I can love myself even if I am not perfect and that diet, weight, and exercise goals met never were the measurement, I am more at peace today than I have been in a long time. It's crazy and counterintuitive but true, weirdly, true. I have never gone more than a couple of days without agonizing over my failures and vowing to do better the next day. I haven't done much of that recently and as those who preach the first step of eliminating restriction as a means to heal from the damages of dieter have promised, a natural desire to be kind to myself is emerging all on its own.
Every decision about what I eat now comes from a place of want. I refuse to eat food I don't like, I don't have to, I can order pizza. I won't but my point is, there is food that for years I would grudgingly eat because it was "good". I hated it but I choked it down and was resentful. No more. Interestingy, my breakfast for the last few days has been a green smoothie and steel cut oats and I have had more than 7 servings of vegetables a day. My rules, my way. I can always go back to toast with butter for breakfast and fast food, but I like the other stuff better. I always thought I wouldn't be capable of stopping myself if I took the breaks off and it has a lot to do with timing and the state of the world but this has been an accidental experiment with wonderful results. Those who advocate intuitive eating know what they are talking about but I couldn't have done this intentionally, I've tried before and I quickly yell "Uncle" and run back to the scale in fear.
SO, I will continue with this curious little unfolding. I plan on adding sleep to my regimen and water because it feels right. One day exercise will be back on, I like how I feel when I exercise but sleep is better for me right now. I have grains and veggies on the ready for tomorrow and I'm looking forward to them. Whaaaaat???
Sleep well, and miss you all.
Carrilu

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