EMERGING FROM MY COCOON
Sunday, June 14, 2020
Happy belated birthday to me. 😏
My 45th birthday was yesterday and I realized it's been a bit over a decade since I went into what I refer to as "my pain induced cocoon."
In 2010, I had suffered a blow to my heart that I found impossible to integrate. In response, I shut myself down, refusing to let anyone close enough to affect me emotionally. I shut out beloved family members and friends, even co-workers... I barred my spirit from my body. I stopped caring for myself. I refused to sleep (as slumber brought dreams). I only ate when absolutely necessary and rarely, if ever, allowed myself to have dialogues that weren't connected to work. I neglected myself badly and paid a steep price. My body floundered-- my heart even stopped a few times, scaring the bejesus out of my sister older Coleen who'd witnessed a few occurrences-- but I couldn't muster up to the emotional energy to care. I had accepted that I would have to live with the heartache, but I was incapable of doing so with any measure of grace. As my best-friend, Veronica, told me years later, "Emily, you just disappeared. You were here physically, but you-- YOU-- were gone."
In that time, despite barely eating, I gained weight steadily, and the idea of doing anything about it exhausted me. Besides, the weight gain made it easier for me to disappear more effectively. And I wanted, desperately, to disappear.
Well, something finally clicked at the beginning of April 2020 and I finally decided to do something about my health. I'm not, currently, where I want to be physically, but I'm satisfied and focused on remaining emotionally healthy and physically active. I'm back and I have no intention of letting go of myself again.