8,500-9,999 SparkPoints 8,810


Sunday, June 14, 2020

Happy belated birthday to me. 😏

My 45th birthday was yesterday and I realized it's been a bit over a decade since I went into what I refer to as "my pain induced cocoon."

In 2010, I had suffered a blow to my heart that I found impossible to integrate. In response, I shut myself down, refusing to let anyone close enough to affect me emotionally. I shut out beloved family members and friends, even co-workers... I barred my spirit from my body. I stopped caring for myself. I refused to sleep (as slumber brought dreams). I only ate when absolutely necessary and rarely, if ever, allowed myself to have dialogues that weren't connected to work. I neglected myself badly and paid a steep price. My body floundered-- my heart even stopped a few times, scaring the bejesus out of my sister older Coleen who'd witnessed a few occurrences-- but I couldn't muster up to the emotional energy to care. I had accepted that I would have to live with the heartache, but I was incapable of doing so with any measure of grace. As my best-friend, Veronica, told me years later, "Emily, you just disappeared. You were here physically, but you-- YOU-- were gone."

In that time, despite barely eating, I gained weight steadily, and the idea of doing anything about it exhausted me. Besides, the weight gain made it easier for me to disappear more effectively. And I wanted, desperately, to disappear.

Well, something finally clicked at the beginning of April 2020 and I finally decided to do something about my health. I'm not, currently, where I want to be physically, but I'm satisfied and focused on remaining emotionally healthy and physically active. I'm back and I have no intention of letting go of myself again.
Share This Post With Others
Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • LOVIJO20
    You really seem to be killing it! Especially when it comes to your nutrition - with all the rainbows emoticon you are taking down! Pretty certain you must be part unicorn emoticon

    Best wishes that your health and happiness journey continues with the trajectory you desire !
    258 days ago
  • SUNSET09
    We all have to go through, to get to emoticon It's all a learning experience and the opportunity to be the best you, you can be. emoticon emoticon and keep up the good work emoticon and emoticon emoticon
    265 days ago
  • Add Your Comment to the Blog Post

    Log in to post a comment

    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.

More Blogs by IFFILAYO