The Cycle of Binge Eating (pt.1)
Thursday, July 02, 2020
TRIGGER WARNING: Suicide, Disease, Eating Disorder
It's 💩-y, to say the least (I wasn't sure if I could cuss on the site so I've refrained.)
I get caught up in this cycle, way too often.
Restricting or fasting for way too long and then binge eating as if I was never going to eat again.
Yes, it directly stems from issues I had at home as a kid.
No, I haven't actively put in work before this year to stop it because I wasn't purging.
Myth: You don't have an eating disorder unless you're wasting away or you cause harm that people can witness.
Fact: Binge eating is simply consuming way too many calories in a short period of time. It problematic at any point and even if you don't purge you can still develop health issues (like me, a 24-year-old with liver disease).
It's so hard.
Definitely doesn't help to still be one of the seemingly few people practicing social distancing and isolation; it makes suicidal ideation much stronger for those of us who already have a mental illness (ya gurl has C-PTSD too).
Cannabis helps (so much).
I've never felt more naked than when I expose myself (well my inner thoughts and issues) to people I haven't met yet or the general public.
Learning how to be a little more vulnerable is an important part of my journey though, that's why I keep my page public and allow anyone to read my blog posts.
It's okay because the more time I spend opening up about this dark part of me. The more I've been able to receive help, support, and techniques to succeed, regardless of my past.
All I'm focused on now is trying to break unhealthy cycles and move forward with my life.
I used to binge and restrict for WEEKS (24/7) at a time.
This week, I've done so twice. On Sunday, I overate but I got off my butt, came up with a plan, executed it, and stayed hydrated.
Yesterday, I binged again at around this time. I waited almost 10 hours before eating again and then binged again.
Even though this isn't perfect, it's been better because I've been religiously keeping track of my calorie count, my binges were OVER 2,000 calories LESS than previous binges.
That's right y'all: I binged on unsalted unroasted almonds one day and had an extra 400 calories. After a workout, I only had ~ -200 calories on Sunday.
Yesterday, I binged on Tillamook Medium Cheddar I ate about a 1/2 cup of cheese or more (my downfall was being cranky and deciding that I didn't need to measure my intake) and I used Potato Bread instead of Ezekial Bread for my lunch.
Then I literally just put a handful of shredded cheese on my plate beside the sandwich I made. I overate by an excess of ~700 calories yesterday. (It was more bc I took yesterday as a rest day.)
I'm not proud of it.
I am proud of my ability to bound back.
This morning I woke up focused, had my glass of water, and went to work.
Now I'm eating (even though I'm still sort of full from eating a large healthy protein-packed breakfast) some almonds (1/2 of a serving).
Not because I want to, but because I just truly realized that if I don't eat a balanced diet and take time to snack before I'm ravenous, I'll never be able to break the cycle.
I know for some of you this is a sad and weird blog post. Or for others, you may be thinking DUH! Of course, you have to eat consistently.
For others like me, learning this with whatever resources they can scrounge up, missing time from work to meal plan, prep, and shop, and struggling to find their footing in this healthy living lifestyle: I see you and hear you! You're not alone, you're not struggling by yourself!
We're all in this together *cue High School Musical 🎼*
Thanks Sparkers for giving me a time and place to vent and gather myself for the next portion of my day.
Sincerely, your friend,