1LITTLECLOUD
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ANGER AND FRUSTRATION

Sunday, November 08, 2020

A little history about me..

I had a near death experience 1985.. I was hit on my motorcycle and it was a 70mph impact and I wasnt wearing a helmet. MOST people, unless youre a rider wont understand this, but when you wear a helmet, you dont have good peripheral vision, nor can you hear as well. It took me a year to recover through surgeries ands a full leg cast for that whole year. I was an excellent well seasoned rider, but its the other folks you have to watch out for. In this case, it happened so fast and there was no where for me to go, I was in Topanga Canyon in LA county with a mountain on my left and cliff on my right. So I had to hit her in the side of her car and I flew for several yards hitting the pavement full force.
After I was hit, and was flying, time stood still. after I had hit the ground, after I regained consciousness I was screaming with pain and in shock, I had a concussion and my leg was broken. It took forever for emergency to get to me coz it was a 2-lane and work hour traffic. It was very traumatic to my whole body. It was in the high 80's that day and I was freezing!

Over the years my body has been deteriorating. Especially the last 2 years at the speed of light.
I cant even do half the things I use to be able to do. I am in agony 24/7. Every single part of my body is suffering from the damage done. And the older I get the more unbearable it all is.

I have even screamed out in the night for God to have mercy and take my life, because I have no life anymore.
Sometimes, most of the time, Im so angry and frustrated this is happening to me. Im still angry with the woman who almost took my life and sentenced me to a life of pain and misery.
I received a financial settlement, but no amount of money can ever bring my body back to the way it was.

I dont have much hope left and am in deep depression.

Im having my first surgery Nov. 23rd., a total knee replacement. Then awhile later, the other knee, then my spine. I have degenerative disk disease and I suffer from sciatica also.
Every part of my entire body is in pain 24/7. I have lost space between the disks in my neck and spine, and have a ruptured, disk bulge.
I also have neurological problems where the nerves in my body get pinched all over even in my elbow.

Sometimes, I just want to take my own life away. Like right now.
I am not living anymore, Im just waking every day in agony.
Sorry but this is how I feel, and no one where I live understands my pain I live with. They think you are just complaining.
My bike was totalled, and so was I.
My friend took this pic of my motorcycle in the junk yard..




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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • LOSER05
    I am so sorry this happened to you and I feel for you, 5 years ago my brother was at a stop light on a Georgia highway at night on his Harley and the light turned green he took off and some idiot speeding did not stop and
    hit my brother and it wasn't a pretty picture this jerk never stopped or looked back, they left my brother for dead, thank god someone seen and called for help and airlifted my brother to a hospital his Harley was totaled and his leg to this day has a deep and long gash that got infected many times because his leg was so bad the doctor wanted to amputate but he asked them to do another surgery. so to this day this idiot does not have a conscience because they never turned their self in. how does one do that to another person.

    I hope your surgery will help you today, emoticon Hugs your friend vicky emoticon
    145 days ago
  • PICKIE98
    I hope you are feeling better today, and really, that is all we can control is right now. Getting through a hurdle, deciding how we want to fight things. How and why we have more to do and see, regardless of our physical challenges.
    156 days ago
  • SUNNYCALIGIRL
    emoticon I live in California, do you still live in CA? I am not interested in smoking pot but our state has now legalized it for both recreational and medicinal uses. Would it relieve your pain at all? I know absolutely nothing about it, as I said, but I have heard people testify that it relieves pain.
    159 days ago
  • 1CRAZYDOG
    Just got home yesterday (11/08) and haven't really been on spark, either, but saw this today. I am so very sorry to hear about your challenges. It is miraculous you survived such an accident, but the pain sounds awful. Wishing you luck w/your knee replacements. Had both of mine done and happy I did. Wishing good results for you.

    In the meantime, take good care of you. You are precious in His site. And mine, too! Prayers being sent up for you.

    HUGS
    159 days ago
  • AKA_TROUBLE
    emoticon emoticon
    159 days ago
  • VEGGIEPAT
    I am so sorry about your accident. My heart and prayers are with you. I sent you a message with a goodie with some info that possibly might help with the pain. They have many tens units to choose from on Amazon and it really has helped me. Many Blessings and healing. God Bless you! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    159 days ago
  • OSHEONA
    emoticon prayers for you

    I hope the surgeries can ease your pain. I'm glad you are getting some help with that.

    Writing blogs can help you feel better, just in and of itself. But you can also use a journal, either a paper one or something online. I use Blogger, which is from Google. And you're on your computer, so you can just use a writing program on your computer, if you don't want it all out in the cloud. For people with PTSD, sometimes they try to get you to write a journal specifically about something that's really bothering you. You might want to do that, about your accident. It sounds like you have a lot of strong feelings surrounding it. It's supposed to lesson your emotions, somehow. You might give it a try, see if it works at all. And if you get a counselor, you can share it with your counselor, or keep it to yourself, whatever feels best for you.

    They have hotlines for people thinking of ending their life. Please don't do that. You've got these surgeries scheduled and they might really help. It sounds like you are doing the right things, even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes. You are! God bless you. I'm sorry you are going through so much.
    160 days ago
  • 2BFREE2LIVE
    I know your in pain and angry but you can win this battle. Thank the Lord for sparing you and have him guide you to your calling. There is a plan for you but you have to forgive and let the Lord show you the way.
    I know I was on my death bed in 2005 the Dr gave me a month to live and told me to get my affairs in order and told my husband to make arrangements for my passing.
    As you can see I am still here following the Lord and doing his work,I do not belong to a religious group but I do belong to the Lord as he spared my life and has given me a path to follow.
    He has a plan for you and can relieve all your pain just believe in him and ask him to heal your body.
    You should probably find a therapist to talk with sometimes that really helps one to relieve the hurt and sorrow you feel.
    Prayers for you today and always.
    160 days ago
  • CHERYL4808
    I wish I could make the pain come down so that it was not excruciating. emoticon
    You are courageous, and strong, and yes, downright suffering at times. Your message is so well received by me. Just yesterday, I saw a beautiful blue motorcycle, and I turned to my son and said, “That’s still on my list of things to do you know...learn how to ride a motorcycle”. I’m 49 years old, and feeling quite We were walking along the park, enjoying the sun, and yet, there’s a sense that I too am fighting for a solid sense of normalcy in my life. I can’t imagine the pain you’ve learned to live with, and the changes it means for your daily life, but your message gives me a glimpse and I see it’s purpose. I promise as a car driver, pedestrian, bicycle rider, to continue to be very aware of my surroundings because I would never want to be the one who causes a lifetime of pain due to negligence. Thank you for sharing this message and reaching out. You mean a lot to me very much, and your friendship during these isolating difficult times, has helped me tremendously. YOu may have saved countless lives as it is....just with this message!! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    160 days ago
  • 1958TMC
    My husband and I have been in 2 near head on collisons on our Gold Wing. I stopped riding out of fear. He still rides. The fear is real. Please find another doctor who can help you, inside and out. Do not give up. I believe in you!!!!! 💜💜💜💜
    160 days ago
  • IWILLSTILLRISE
    I am so sorry. :( What happened to you was tragic, and unfair. Perhaps a therapist might be able to help you deal with your depression.
    160 days ago
  • JACKIEWALKS4FUN
    So sorry many emoticon and prayers. Never give up.
    160 days ago
  • LIVINGLOVINLIFE
    May the spirit father hear you and ease your pain. I am not of Indian heritage but my first husband was. He was from the Michigan/Canada border. His father was full blood and he spent many years on reservation. He was pure outdoor person. Loved nature and was close to his fathers that way. Why do I tell you this? We were married less than 1 year when he was a victim of violent crime. Left him paralyzed from T1T2 level. Had minimal use of arms and no feeling from nipple line down. He had incomplete transection of spinal cord. He also suffered constant spasms and pain. He felt like he was no longer a man and did no reason to be here. He was a avid hunter, outdoorsman and had a 7th degree black belt in martial arts. He was breathing but not really alive. The only time he was happy was when we would get out in the mountains and smell clean air and enjoy nature. I learned so much in that year about life. I appreciate every minute of it. I am not going to tell you to straighten up, be a man. Because I can't. My husband lived 1 year before his body totally failed him. I sat with him, we talked, I took care of him. I fought for him to live . But I never told him to stop feeling for himself. I was very angry at the person who did this to him in fact I was angry at the world. Now more than 40 years later I still think of him, see him feel him. His memory ha helped me through so many hard times. I live every day appreciating my life. In nature I feel the closest to him and our God. Sending prayers and hope to you. Pat
    160 days ago
  • YOUCANDOITNANA
    I am sorry about your pain. You must have a lot of inner strength. I hope you have a good thing happen for you today.
    160 days ago
  • GEORGE815
    Sorry to hear about all this. Someone said when you ride a motorcycle its not if you will have an accident, its when. Thats not much solace at this point. You were kept alive for a reason. Try to find that and other reasons for surviving this horrendous accident. Keep the faith. I know however that must be hard for you.
    160 days ago
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