How Do You Deal with a Pusher?

No, not that kind of pusher. A general pusher.

Let me explain. Family dynamics 101: Many either want to be like their folks or the complete opposite. Many discover they become their folks whether they intended to or not. Similarly, many discover they have married someone with similarities to their equivalent parent. Ones own sympathies rest with the person one most relates themself to, either in character or desires.

In my family of origin my Mom felt somewhat trapped. They were from that time when wives were expected to support their husbands unconditionally. Dad controlled the budget and determined the course of their lives. She never had time or space to herself to do things she wanted or liked to do. She became apathetic/resigned and developed a somewhat passive aggressive response to suggestions she didn't care for. In response, Dad became a 'pusher' as he felt that was the only way to get things going. The more he pushed, the more obstinate she became. It was very dysfunctional, not to mention unpleasant and negative. In DH's family, similar dynamics were in play. He sympathized with his Dad who was helpless in the face of his Mom's passive aggressive negativity. He felt his Dad was justified in his decisions whether his Mom liked or agreed with them or not. He had no sympathy at all for her.

My DH is a Do-er. He has to go, go, GO. He flies by the seat of his pants but is lucky and lands on his feet most of the time. I am more methodic; I am not so lucky when I leap without looking and have learned through misadventure to invest in preparedness (which materially contributes to his luck in landing on his feet; but of course he can't see that). He gets impatient with my caution. Lately he has begun 'pushing'. A lot!

Partners. What does that mean? To me it means supporting, nurturing and encouraging each other, so that is what I do. I am not sure how it translates with DH, he seems to be more selective and conditional. He wants to know my plans for the next day (Do-er mentality) but then doesn't remember what I tell him and behaves as if I have no plans and he can co-opt me and my time and energy. Our current sleep patterns are out of sync which hasn't helped. He's up at the crack of still pitch black and has had plenty of time to ease into his morning by the time I get up with the sun. He doesn't give me time for coffee or to ease into my day, there's already a 'push' for his agenda. I frequently have to justify my activities which irritates me because I don't think I should have to do this. He doesn't.

We do talk about these things. We do try to discuss and agree on priorities. Unfortunately, often right after a priority discussion, at his designation, we embark on an item that's way down the list. This leads to me feeling disenfranchised and disrespected even though it isn't really deliberate or personal on his part. He is often surprised by my irritation, saying "We talked about this..." Uh, yeah we did, and we didn't put this at the top of the list. WTH?

The joys of Retirement, right? Or in my case, unemployment. I guess we'll figure these things out. Writing beats emotional eating.

I hope you get some (joyful) movement in today! Even angry or frustrated movement is OK.


Peace and Care