Taking Care of Myself Again
Tuesday, May 04, 2021
Life has a way of repeating itself and I'm proof of that. I have to say that I'm disappointed in myself because here I am again, starting from scratch, rock bottom, etc. I'm at the place I vowed I would never be again. It's hard for me to look back on all the struggles, hard work, and honestly, stubbornness, that helped me to make it to my goal weight and lower.
Somewhere along the way I lost my focus on "me" again. I have always felt selfish if I focused on my life and me because of extreme trauma and abuse in my childhood and beyond. I lost my only sibling, my sister, after reuniting with her after years of not speaking due to our abusive parents. So many other traumatic things have happened along the way including dealing with anxiety and depression due to those circumstances.
I fell back into the predictable routine of taking care of everyone else and ignoring myself. I'm back though, I have to get myself back on track again and put myself in the important category as well. I made the decision recently that I could not wing it anymore and just guess at how much I was eating or else I would be gaining more than I already have.
It's very frustrating that I have no one to blame but myself, but I have to do what I did before. Focus on my health, my nutrition, my happiness and realize once and for all that it's not selfish to put yourself in the equation of importance. This body is all that we have on this earth. I know this time it will be more difficult as I am older, I am dealing with extreme pain on a regular basis, etc. but I can't let obstacles stop me from reaching my goals again.
It may take me longer this time due to my age and health issues. I have to wipe away the shame I feel for not taking care of myself the way I should have.