Thursday, June 03, 2021
This week was my second breast MRI. Physically it went better than the first....I'm "seasoned" and asked for the noise cancelling earplugs along with the headset with music. Meditating and being in the moment helped a lot as well. There really wasn't a lot of time to worry about it because of work issues, but I did make a point to use PTO that morning and for today's result appointment as a part of self-care. I'm glad I did - one less thing to stress over.
So here I am...I am having an "off" day mentally...I'm done with a lot of outside stressors... people who aggravate, social media...I'm just done. Thanks but no thanks, I'll pass. I moved apps to another level of searching effort on my phone even. As for invitations for the month, I have declined politely because I have a family of 5 that hasn't made their own plans...which they deserve to, as it is their summer too. Right now, at this moment, I don't want to go to any parties, have any parties, or see people at all. I am in hermit mode. Survival mode. I was obligated to socialize last night and the snarkiness of my comments was quite entertaining to a few people...but that's not me. By the time the end of the night rolled around, my family bore the brunt of the angst that was kept at bay. I retreated quickly to my own corner to be alone, take off my irritating makeup and clothes, sit in the darkness and escaped into a tv show before falling sleep. I slept on the couch because the air conditioner was on in the bedroom and the noise and cold would have been just too much for me. I know my limits.
Today's appointment was greeted with total honesty with my practitioner. I didn't apologize for my down state, I told her outright I was having one of my rare "off" days. This too shall pass. I cut to the chase to get the results too. I wasn't going to sit there wondering for polite conversation to pass...doing this every 6 months is stressful enough.
I felt better after hearing the results, but not relieved like I feel like I should be feeling. I wanted to drink. I wanted to eat. I wanted to escape. I wanted to cry (just like I feel like doing right now) ....and now I certainly don't want to work, but things do have to get done, so I will do my time I promised. Tomorrow may be a mental health day.
As I type, the super hero side of me is starting to rally...she's there recuperating after being beaten down a few times. I tease her saying she's a glutton for punishment, to just stand down and rest a while...she will come back stronger, like she always does. Hermit-girl is in preservation and protection mode...we have to listen to her when she speaks up.
I've gained 10 pounds since I last checked in. I have eaten way too much, drank wine with my BFF and that is the result. God forbid life balance is easy and god forbid we have enjoyment on an off day. That's the Snarky One talking now...she's pissed that after all these years its the SSDD. She is tired of tracking, and doing checklists, and reading articles, and learning stuff she already knows. Add that to the pity party punch....might as well.
Writing usually helps. I sound like a broken record, forgive me and thanks for reading if you got this far into it.
So yay for the MRI results...another bullet dodged.