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MRI negative

Thursday, June 03, 2021

This week was my second breast MRI. Physically it went better than the first....I'm "seasoned" and asked for the noise cancelling earplugs along with the headset with music. Meditating and being in the moment helped a lot as well. There really wasn't a lot of time to worry about it because of work issues, but I did make a point to use PTO that morning and for today's result appointment as a part of self-care. I'm glad I did - one less thing to stress over.

So here I am...I am having an "off" day mentally...I'm done with a lot of outside stressors... people who aggravate, social media...I'm just done. Thanks but no thanks, I'll pass. I moved apps to another level of searching effort on my phone even. As for invitations for the month, I have declined politely because I have a family of 5 that hasn't made their own plans...which they deserve to, as it is their summer too. Right now, at this moment, I don't want to go to any parties, have any parties, or see people at all. I am in hermit mode. Survival mode. I was obligated to socialize last night and the snarkiness of my comments was quite entertaining to a few people...but that's not me. By the time the end of the night rolled around, my family bore the brunt of the angst that was kept at bay. I retreated quickly to my own corner to be alone, take off my irritating makeup and clothes, sit in the darkness and escaped into a tv show before falling sleep. I slept on the couch because the air conditioner was on in the bedroom and the noise and cold would have been just too much for me. I know my limits.

Today's appointment was greeted with total honesty with my practitioner. I didn't apologize for my down state, I told her outright I was having one of my rare "off" days. This too shall pass. I cut to the chase to get the results too. I wasn't going to sit there wondering for polite conversation to pass...doing this every 6 months is stressful enough.

I felt better after hearing the results, but not relieved like I feel like I should be feeling. I wanted to drink. I wanted to eat. I wanted to escape. I wanted to cry (just like I feel like doing right now) ....and now I certainly don't want to work, but things do have to get done, so I will do my time I promised. Tomorrow may be a mental health day.

As I type, the super hero side of me is starting to rally...she's there recuperating after being beaten down a few times. I tease her saying she's a glutton for punishment, to just stand down and rest a while...she will come back stronger, like she always does. Hermit-girl is in preservation and protection mode...we have to listen to her when she speaks up.

I've gained 10 pounds since I last checked in. I have eaten way too much, drank wine with my BFF and that is the result. God forbid life balance is easy and god forbid we have enjoyment on an off day. That's the Snarky One talking now...she's pissed that after all these years its the SSDD. She is tired of tracking, and doing checklists, and reading articles, and learning stuff she already knows. Add that to the pity party punch....might as well.

Writing usually helps. I sound like a broken record, forgive me and thanks for reading if you got this far into it.

So yay for the MRI results...another bullet dodged.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Glad to hear about the MRI result.

    And I’m also glad to hear that you’re allowing yourself to be in the moment and feel your feelings. Too many of us have been socialized to put on a front and pretend everything is cheery when it is not. And then internalized that message, to the point we sometimes don’t even know what we’re feeling, any more.

    Nothing wrong with being a hermit. (Says the woman who lives off grid in the woods, with a man a dog, and three cats, LOL)
    60 days ago
  • DALID414
    60 days ago
    Cheers for the YAY MRI results, & I hope you feel better yesterday, if not sooner.
    60 days ago
    Having a MRI done is not fun but I'm glad you had good results. emoticon emoticon
    60 days ago
    Happy to hear good news from the MRI!
    And yes, yes, everything else.
    Just know that you are not alone in feeling this way.
    Rest up. Keep praying. Hold on to the HOPE of better days to come.

    Some days I chalk it up to hormones. Some days I blame everyone and everything around me, life. Other days I wonder about lack of prayer/faith. But I keep the Faith best I can.

    Spark on!

    61 days ago
    I am glad you embraced your inner hermit and are taking some time for you. ..rock on, my friend emoticon
    61 days ago
    You had me at "hermit mode"
    I've been turning down one invitation after another.
    Except for fully vaccinated family, I don't care if I don't interact with anyone.

    Very happy to hear of the good MRI results.
    Your inner super hero is entitled to take a rest. Let hermit girl do her thing.

    I took advantage of an "early voting" opportunity today.
    I wanted to avoid the maskless, unvaccinated hoards on the official primary day as well as the gauntlet of sign waving people pushing papers in my face on my way into the polling place.
    Now I am back in my hermitage.

    Take care of yourself

    61 days ago
    Very happy for the good news of the MRI. I hope that you'll feel mentally better as a little time goes on. Those kids of stressors wear us down!

    61 days ago
  • BA_COY
    Good news about the MRI results!

    Cancer rechecks are very stressful, especially on top of work and family obligations It sounds like a Mental Health Day doing something you enjoy that would allow you to de-stress would do you a world of good. Your Mental Health is important. emoticon emoticon emoticon
    61 days ago
    glad your MRI was good results. sorry you are under so mush stress. writing help me, when I felt so alone and by myself, getting it on paper helped release the feelings and of course opening up to a good friend or therapist helped also.
    61 days ago
    Glad your MRI went well. Having tools to manage the stress is good. Do not hesitate to take the mental health day. It is your health. Sounds like you have the benefit. Use it! emoticon

    I feel you. I've been on 6 month cancer checks many times. This is my third go-round which has been underway for nearly 3 years, It's simply become a part of my life.

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

    Yes. The writing usually helps ... emoticon
    61 days ago
    I'm glad your MRI went well
    61 days ago
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