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Greatest Hits: The Great Swimsuit Dilemma . . . Squeezing the Right Stuff Into the "Right Suit"

Friday, June 18, 2021

Well, it’s official. . . I have procrastinated long enough; it’s almost the 4th of July, and I can no longer ignore the fact that it’s time to go shopping for a bathing suit.

According to a recent poll, a sizable proportion of women, almost half or 41% of them, would prefer sitting in the dentist’s chair for a root canal over going through the emotional hell of shopping for a bathing suit. I can believe that - although it's a real toss-up for me now that I think about it.

Most styles look like they were designed for those ladies in the B grade movies, or my 4 year old niece. Those three way mirrors that are designed to give you a 360 degree view only further accentuate all the droopy and flabby body parts we try so hard to avoid noticing! To sum it all up, the view is most definitely less than we hope for. It’s funny, about the only thing I can get a good look at in those mirrors is my a**!

So after scouring every nook and cranny I find a couple of suits that I think might actually modestly cover a good proportion of me. I slink quietly into the farthest corner of the dressing rooms, and so it begins . . .

I picked out the one that gave me the most hope to try on first. I was hoping to score early in the game, and beat feet back out to the parking lot for quick get-away. The name sounded promising. It was actually called a “miracle” suit.

As I stepped into the leg holes, I knew how this suit got its name - it would be a miracle if I could get it over my knees and then up over my hips! I huffed and I puffed struggling to pull that damned elasticized tube over my hips and other “assets” and tugged and pulled even more to get it high enough to cover “my girls”.

The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fit those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom and sides. My thighs were looking like poppin fresh dough trying to escape from the tube.

Trying not to really look at myself in the 3 way mirror, my first thought was “If I even try to even take a deep breath it might cause a major wardrobe malfunction!”

That did it! It was time to squirm and exhale as much as I could to get it back down to my ankles and off. Who knew this could be more of a workout than the “Swear Master” or the “Dreadmill” at the gym? I was definitely counting this as my exercise today! I have to admit their marketing was spot on! It was a Miracle suit alright – A miracle that I got out of it! I knew that I was not willing to struggle like this again - let alone every time I wanted to go to the pool!

Here is a list of things that ran through my mind while shopping for the “right suit”:

• “Nope! I have more parts than that suit - period.”
• “Holy crap! That’s not just a muffin top, that’s the whole muffin.”
• “I must have picked up the wrong size.”
• “That’s OK, I have a couple of more to try on”
• “Maybe it’s just the bad lighting.”
• “This makes me look like the Pillsbury Dough Boy’s mother!”
• “This one would be great if my legs and my neck were the same size”
• “Next!!”
• “Where does this strap even go?”
• “How in the world am I supposed to fasten this behind by own back?”
• “How do I even begin to get into this thing?”
• “Aaand this one won’t even fit over my legs!”
• “This would be OK if I could amputate my entire torso.”
• “Oh hell no!”
• “Why do they always assume my boobs and butt are the same size? I’m not Twiggy!”
• “Are you kidding me?!!”
• “Did they suddenly run out of fabric?!”
• “This is literally the worst thing I’ve ever seen!”
• “Oh My God!”
• “You know what? Now that I think about it, the bathing suit I have is just fine.”
• “How many days ‘til Fall?”
• “Time for a drink!”

In the meantime, I’ll just wear a big, floppy hat to the pool, and maybe it will divert all the attention focused on my assets.

I wonder . . . does Spanx make a full body bathing suit?

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